Negativity and Uncertainty

I think that everyone goes into the wait thinking that they can handle it, and why on earth are people complaining?!? Well, now I know. Two months in and I'm already a nut case. It doesn't mean that I'm withdrawing my application or stopping my plans. I'm not... I'm just venting my frustration, cause that's what I am. And to be honest, it's more about the things going on in my life, rather than the wait that are causing it... the wait is just easier to focus on than all the other things going on.

I'm a coach for a team involving teen agers. Since everything sports related is expensive (remember this future sports-star parents), a lot of fundraising is required. However, since I was hired so late, we didn't have a lot of time to fundraise, so we're pretty much tied to one event... one event that is rapidly falling apart and rebuilt again. Hopefully, it will go off successfully, but I'm really tired of teen agers. And I seriously wonder why I get myself into these things - it's stressful because kids are kids and responsibility/committment rank somewhere below homework. I spend a lot of time tracking people down and sending out reminder notes in hopes that something will get done.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep up with my real job, complete college courses and write an extensive year-long syllabus for a class I'm teaching next year. Rumor Queen comes as a welcome distraction, even if it does stress me out.

One more week to go and then it's the slide into the summer.

Month Two

Another month down. Latest rumors say that June referrals will only go to Nov. 7th - these are very early rumors... no one really expected anything this week, but there they are. This means that in the last three months only 14 days have been referred. Yah, I can't really think of anything to say about it... and I guess it doesn't really matter if I did, because I don't believe anymore. It could be worse, I know. To be honest, if my phone hadn't alerted me that it was my LIDaversary, I wouldn't even have remembered. It's just not part of my life anymore.

I wish I could be more positive, but it looks like this is the day for it... today I found out that the show my team has been planning as a fundraiser may be cancelled because a signficant number of participants have bailed. Nice of them to tell me a week before the show. I'm not sure how we'll keep going at this rate. It really pisses me off, because the students have worked so hard to make a go of this and through no fault of their own, it's crumbling apart. Perhaps it's my fault for trying to schedule it in June, but there was really no other options. And I get the joy of telling them tonight.

Where I am

Waiting for June referrals - every month I wait for the referral numbers to come out. I enjoy seeing the baby pictures, but mostly I count, and perform various mathematical calculations and wonder. In looking at my previous posts, my very first post lists what I thought was the timeline for me... two years. But is that what it will really be? Maybe. Maybe not. With this uncertainty, comes a sense of disbelief. Is this really going to happen? Again, the same answer.

I think that, in a way, I had to separate myself from this process. If the wait really is in three years or more, who can do that? There is a reason why pregnancy takes only 9 months... and I don't think that anyone was meant to really be focused on preparing for a child for that long. It doesn't mean that I'm calling my agency to drop out of the program. Mentally, it feels like I have though. Perhaps I've just entered into the acceptance phase completely.

I decided to sign up for a foster/adopt class. Then I realized the dates wouldn't work for me (all day in the midle of the week? who attends this? If foster parents aren't supposed to depend of foster payments for income, wouldn't that indicate that classes should be held during time when people with jobs could attend?), so I cancelled. There's another one a few towns away starting a week later, but I haven't signed up for it. I'm still fairly ambivalent with the process. Part of me thinks it could be the right thing... but another part of me has reservations about the needs of the children and whether I can meet them.

I've also flirted with the idea of attempting to get pregnant. However, I'm a bit over the hill, just as uncertain and could be very expensive. I did discover that there are actual places on the internet where people search or offer sperm donations. You really can find anything on the internet!

So, here I am. Waiting for the June referrals.

New Outfits!

Do you believe in Signs?

Everyone always talks about signs... "this happened, and it was sign," "I saw this picture and it was a sign that my baby was in China," and so on. I'm not really big on signs. Or rather, I'm not really good at interpreting signs. Or making decisions. Which is probably why I'm always wondering if if something is a sign in order to help me make a choice. A choice I'm afraid will be wrong.

Lately, I think I've been getting signs on a particular choice - moving to the foster-adopt route. First there was the phone call. Then there are the co-workers who are doing foster-adopt (giving me an inside scoop on all the horror stories... good sign or bad?). Finally, yesterday two collegues and I had quite the conversation about the number of babies being surrendered/removed from homes in the area and the despotic people gaining foster liscences. Again, is this a good sign or bad a one? Is it a sign at all? Am I just grasping at straws because one month into the wait I've gone crazy? Seriously, I'm obessed with the idea that there might actually be signs, but I'm too stupid-chicken-practical to take notice. Where is Sylvia Brown when I need here?