Where I am

Waiting for June referrals - every month I wait for the referral numbers to come out. I enjoy seeing the baby pictures, but mostly I count, and perform various mathematical calculations and wonder. In looking at my previous posts, my very first post lists what I thought was the timeline for me... two years. But is that what it will really be? Maybe. Maybe not. With this uncertainty, comes a sense of disbelief. Is this really going to happen? Again, the same answer.

I think that, in a way, I had to separate myself from this process. If the wait really is in three years or more, who can do that? There is a reason why pregnancy takes only 9 months... and I don't think that anyone was meant to really be focused on preparing for a child for that long. It doesn't mean that I'm calling my agency to drop out of the program. Mentally, it feels like I have though. Perhaps I've just entered into the acceptance phase completely.

I decided to sign up for a foster/adopt class. Then I realized the dates wouldn't work for me (all day in the midle of the week? who attends this? If foster parents aren't supposed to depend of foster payments for income, wouldn't that indicate that classes should be held during time when people with jobs could attend?), so I cancelled. There's another one a few towns away starting a week later, but I haven't signed up for it. I'm still fairly ambivalent with the process. Part of me thinks it could be the right thing... but another part of me has reservations about the needs of the children and whether I can meet them.

I've also flirted with the idea of attempting to get pregnant. However, I'm a bit over the hill, just as uncertain and could be very expensive. I did discover that there are actual places on the internet where people search or offer sperm donations. You really can find anything on the internet!

So, here I am. Waiting for the June referrals.