19 months

and holding...

Today I finally got a call from Lala's case worker about going home. She'll be leaving tomorrow to go on a "weekend visit". That means no little one around for Halloween, which sucks.

Also, it really sucks that I can't be Cleopatra anymore. DeNile will have to become just another river for me. Part of me is seriously wondering why I'm doing this at all... and why I thought I could do this at all? Because every option just leads to more disappointment.

Yes, it's worth when you finally cross the finish line, but I am tired of the marathon.

Going Home

Lala's case worker told me this week that Lala will be going home at the end of the month or beginning of November. Apparently the mom told the new daycare (same system) that it would be Oct. 26th. I don't even get a Halloween.

I'm trying to maintain happy thoughts. Yesterday I purchased a Christmas Carol signing dog that she had seen at a store and loved. There's no point in waiting. I even flirted with the idea of putting the tree up... but in the end decided it would be too hard to take it down after she left.

I'm trying to decided if I need to just have a good cry and get it out or wait until she's gone. I'm also trying to decide if I really want to do this any more. It seems like every road I take has some sort of horredous block. I tried the waiting to get married thing - except I never found anyone to marry (or that I could at least put up with... and don't think I didn't think really long and hard about what I could put up with). I researched every adoption avenue, and thought that China was a good bet, scraped the money together and then watched the wait lengthen to nearly a decade. I went to foster-care gott this baby who is perfect for me and she'll be gone in a matter of days. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something that I won't listen to and until I accept it, I'll just keep getting hurt.

I won't actually stop. I knew that it was a good possibility that Lala would go home. I've known it for months. It's just hard to keep the little flicker of hope lit. And I need to have a little pity party.

And seriously, couldn't I be the person who deals with loss by NOT eating? The not sleeping thing is detrimental to my health and students... and I'm probably going to gain another 10 pounds.

18 Months

Gone by... and still counting.

Lala is growing by leaps and bounds and still NOT walking! At least not by herself. The other day I went to pick her up from a visit with her family- the driver said that she was blowing kisses, a skill that she's had for several months. Then he said that she had been walking too! I have to admit that my heart fell. I really wanted to see her walk first... it's such a big milestone. When we got home, however, I realized that he meant that she was walking while holding a hand or "couch surfing". Or she's just stubborn and won't walk for me because she knows I'll catch her... either way still no pitter-patter little feet without assistance.

The whole thing was a hint of what's to come, I suppose. Currently the plan is that sometime soon Lala will be going home to her family. While that could change, this is the current plan and I have to go with it. Some times I'm ok with it... I know that it's a good thing when kids are reunited with their families. Other times I'm wondering how I'll get through it. A lot of time I really worry about how Lala will be living. It's something that has to taken on faith I guess.

And yes, there are times when the whole process would speed up, so we all can move on.