What a difference a day makes...

Slowly getting used to having two kids. Yesterday I saw a woman walking down the street with three kids under five and couldn't understand how any one could sign up for that kind of punishment... yep, getting used to having two.

Lala is sleeping through the night and now has a bed rail to keep from falling out of bed. Yesterday she didn't even start her bedtime screaming until she was actually in the bed - it's a definite improvement sign.

Or it could be that it's finally starting to cool down. Two days of nearly 100 degree heat in a town that almost never goes above 70 has the baby all discontent. Of course, we don't have AC - why bother for the three days a year when it's over 80 degrees - I survived NYC with out one for many summers. Of course, I was an adult in NYC from a relatively hotter climate, not an infant who has only experienced cool weather.

In the meantime, Lala's stay has been extended, as I'm sure many of you knew would happen. It's possible that her stay will be permanent. I'm cautiously optimistic, but given the ups and downs so far, it's hard to get excited.

Tired... very tired.

Lala isn't sleeping through the night. Not that I blame her, but this means that the cuddler isn't either. But we are starting to get a routine in place for going to bed and she didn't fall out of the bed at all (she did twice the first night) - she and cuddler share a bedroom and it's been a bit difficult with her screaming at the top of her lungs when she gets into bed. Which wakes the cuddler up and then they're both screaming... and the cycle begins again at around 2 am. I'm hoping this will lessen soon. I've gotten nothing done for the past two days trying catch up on sleep while the "kids" are in day care.

Yah... they're in two different daycares. Lala is going to one about 20 miles away so that she can see her siblings every day. I didn't realize what a huge time suck it would be when I agreed to it. It's like half my morning gone. Or maybe just my fuzzy lack of sleep logic.

About the baby - I'm not going to get her. I have to assume that she's gone to another family. It's disappointing, but I couldn't say no to Lala. After hearing everything from the foster family she was with for a couple of days and the case worker, it's obvious that having someone who knows her is much, much better for her. Her personality and the things she's experienced, even at the ripe old age of nearly two, make her more than a little confounding.

Busy Day

Well, things have settled down for the next hour or so... Lala will be arriving tonight. Apparently she's been in care since Friday at another foster home, claiming that they couldn't reach me.

Right now, the placement is for two weeks. That's right, two weeks. I can't really go into detail, but lets just say that Lala's parents aren't necessarily bad people, just people who make dumb, dumb choices. And while I want to be there for Lala, I can't help feeling a bit scammed. A two week placement is like walking around the casino and a placement where they tell you "it WILL likely be a termination" is placing an actual bet.

I'm also a bit worried about Lala. There are some things that the current foster mom told that while not suprising, seemed to have escalated. I realize that we will never truly know how psychological trauma and neglect will affect a child or for how long, but I have to wonder if she was doing great 8 months ago while in my care and now not so much even though "everyone is doing great!" what the heck is really going on when there is no one watching.

Holy Crap!

So, I just posted just 30 minutes ago and things may have changed again!

Apparently, Lala is coming back into care and they want to place her back with me. Conference call at 3pm to get more information. I am so confused!

Seriously, anyone reading this - if you had a child who was returned home and then placed back with after 8 months, please leave me any advice you can think of... like, will she remember me? Will she be angry with me? Will she just be angry? (duh...) What should I do with her to make sure she feels comfortable? Should I still get a crib? She'll be two next month, when do you switch to toddler beds? How big will she be? Will she get along with the baby? She is the baby of her family... now she'll be the oldest.

I am heartbroken that she is coming back into care. I mean, I love her with all my heart and will be thrilled to see her, but not at this cost.

Ok, now I really do need to clean the house because I can't thinking and walking around trying to figure out what needs to be done first.

OMG! OMG!

Could this be it?

I just got a call from the placement co-ordinator asking if I was interested in having a newborn infant placed with me... one that will probably be going to termination (this is the ONLY time anyone has EVER said this me!) and, in fact, the adoption worker had suggested my name as a placement option.

I am quitely freaking out.

The infant is currently in the hospital, possibly in the PICU... but the PC didn't call it that and really, he was talking too fast for me to get all the information written down. There will be a meeting with the CW to go over all the information, hopefully before the placement? OMG... I really know nothing about this child! (this would be the freaking out part!)

Can I handle what is going on with this child? This totally changes my plans for the next year for work - as in, there is no way I can do National Boards. Luckily, something has kept me from filling out all the paperwork and paying for anything. I wonder if I can get a refund on the money I've spent for co-hort class, even though it started already? Will I be able to get back into the pro-cert program? I have to do something in order to keep my job... and option two is waaaaayyyy easier.

Where am I going to fit another crib? Where am I going to get another crib? Shit, I have to buy another car seat? I wonder the Cuddler can move into the other car seat I have? I think he's still too little... ok, just checked and he's just made it past the cut off (or past it depending on who is doing the weighing). Can I do too babies? What about the dog? She is not going to be happy. I should probably clean up the living room (or giant toy box as it should be known). What if the baby needs a hermetically sealed house? Seriously, I am not that clean. What if the baby has to be fed through a ng tube or something every two hours? Where does one even find day care for such a child? Should I take materity leave? I have like a month of sick time built up... I wonder if I can use it? I may have an excuse to buy that minivan now!

There are about a million things running through my head at the moment and I can NOT reach my mother by phone! She is my medical encyclopedia and I can't even figure out which unit the baby is in because the PC doesn't use the same terminology as they do on TV.

Good and Bad Days

We all have them... some days it's enough just to see the cuddler's sweet smile and that way he puts his hand under his chin and tilts his head when looking at you and nothing else matters. My gosh it's so cute, it's overwhelming. Then there are days when you realize that this may be the last time you see that look, because he doesn't do it all the time and one day he could be gone. I hate those days.

After the meeting with the CW last week, I was having one of those bad days. I know there is no comparison between placements, but I kept comparing the Cuddler to Lala. Where she was this time last year and where will the cuddler be coming November... should I start saving up for Christmas presents? Lala's are still sitting in the storage room from last year... I guess I'll donate them this year. Or if the Cuddler is still here, maybe he can "give" them away to someone else.

I tell myself that I have to just go with the flow and not try to figure out what's going happen next... that it's an exercise in futility and saddness, but I'm here I am, still keeping one foot in reality and the other in fantasy.

secrets of the clothesline

I've written about the joys of my clothesline before... how green it is, how it saves me tons of money (seriously at least $20/mo.), yadda, yadda. I didn't, however, really know how to work it... I mean, it's a clothesline right? Pin the clothes to the line and let the wind do the work. How hard is that? Except the underwear question. No one wants their underwear hanging out for everyone to spy.

I know you are thinking, lord-luv-a-duck, could you not figure it out on your own? And I couldn't. It wasn't until I attended an OSPI conference session led by an Australian using the book The Terrible Underpants (which is hysterical, by the way). While an amusing story, the speaker also described how in Australia, where everyone uses a clothesline, the underwear are hung in the center of the Outdoor Clothes Dryer while the sheets or large towels are hung on the outer line so that all undergarments are hidden from street view.

Never even occurred to me before.

Birthday Party

The birthday party was quite a success! It rained, so BBQ was out, but the food was still good - at least, there was none left over... so it must have been good.

Although the guests got a lovely chocolate cake with custard filling, the cuddler got plain old pound cake. I did make it look like his own bathtub duckie, which was recieved with a smile. It turned out pretty good looking if I do say so myself. Maybe I should try to become a cake carver?

I wish I could post the "after" photos, because someone was covered with yellow frosting.

The big present... a fire truckwith a small motor. If the cuddler ever figures out how to actually push the button to drive it, I may have a heart attack. I'm thinking that when the battery runs down, I might just leave it run down. This, however, will mean that I have to push the darned thing around the yard.

Homestudy Meeting #1

Was finally done! I'm amazed!

It was much more in depth than my homestudy for China and a bit more personal... I was a little unprepared for that, but it's done.

Hopefully, number 2 will be done before the end of the month.

Homestudy

I was going to post this evening all about my first homestudy meeting - the one I've been waiting and waiting for - and, of course, something came up and it was canceled. Of course it was.

I'm working very hard not to become jaded about this... and to be honest, I just had to shake my head and laugh this morning when the appointment was canceled. Because it was just too good to be true.

Maybe I'm being tested for some upcoming challenge that will drive a normal person crazy?