20 months

tomorrow...

is the day. I'm dropping Lala off in the morning and she'll be taken to her bio-mom's residence after that. I keep hoping that some last minute miracle will occcur, but I know it won't.

Part of feels that glad for the bio-mom, but mostly it's hard to keep it together. I'm hoping that I won't burst into tears at work...

Treading Water

I made it through the weekend. Painted and started to put down a new kitchen floor. Purposefully kept myself distracted with projects instead of wallowing. I did allow for one pity party and apparently, I will no longer get any joy from bookstores. Or perhaps, I just need to find a better one. Or wait for better books to come out.

By Tuesday, it was hard not to speed to pick Lala up. And yet, when I did it was strange. She really did not feel like "my" baby any more. It was bit like picking up a stranger's baby. Of course, she totally ignored me for the first 10 minutes. No eye contact, no response to my talking to her... obviously she was not happy that I had "abandoned" her. She eventually got over it, but she's been pretty clingy since. And who can really blame her?

It's possible that this is the last week with Lala. It's also possible that next week will be... it's maddening how vague all the wording is even when making a plan. Not even, vague as in "if nothing goes we'll do x"... but more like "so then the following weekend..." which leaves me wondering which following weekend? it is; the one starting on the next day? or one following that?