Now if I can just get past that damn Sarah McLaughlin ASP commercial without crying.
Dec 29, 2008
I went to the mall today...
Now if I can just get past that damn Sarah McLaughlin ASP commercial without crying.
Dec 24, 2008
Dec 22, 2008
Vacation...
I don't know why I was so looking forward to the holiday break... so far I've read more information about RAD, child abuse and adoption fiascos than I really needed to to be able sleep well at night.
I really need something else to do.
I really need something else to do.
Dec 21, 2008
Lazy Sunday
This morning my mother called at 9am, shocked to find that I was barely awake.
"You always get up early" she accused.
Well, I don't really have a reason to get up early, do I? It's been snowing for days now and everything is covered with a thick sheet of ice. Plus the town doesn't actually own a snow plow or any other implements of snow/ice removal (seriously - they don't!). Not that I should talk, I don't actually own a snow shovel myself. And in the spirit of saving money, I'm just going to wait it out, rather than attempt to buy one. So, no place to go and nothing to do... why not sleep in?
Dec 19, 2008
No news...
I emailed Lala's case worker to pass along my cell phone number so that I could drop off a Christmas present, but so far I've received no reply or phone call. I'm still trying to decide if that is a good thing or not. I'm pretty sure that I'll burst into tears at saying goodbye to her again, especially since I'm nearly crying just thinking about it. At the same time, I really want to see her again...
I know this blog has become somewhat of a downer, but really it's become somewhat of a shout-out to an unfair universe. Hopefully, it will be all sunshine and smiles again soon.
I know this blog has become somewhat of a downer, but really it's become somewhat of a shout-out to an unfair universe. Hopefully, it will be all sunshine and smiles again soon.
Dec 14, 2008
Making Choices
Sara Solitaire wrote a post recently about attending a pre-adoption seminar. Basically, they scared the crap out of her and heartily discouraged her from even thinking she could adopt a baby.
I hate that. Not that I think everything should be roses and sunshine in these types of adoption seminars; just the continued portrayal of adoption as this easy thing that could be done by anyone, if only we would all stop being such selfish, lazy people. Hell, last night I watched a Christmas movie in which two young children (Santa believer age) ran away from their evil SW and somehow hooked up with a kind-hearted con man. The kids, seemed to have few issues, despite the loss of their parents, having lived in three different foster homes in less than a year and having lived on the streets for a week. At the end of movie, the con man was able adopt the children (and inherited 20 million). Before you say "oh, no one believes those movies", our local CPS office is advertising for adoptive parents in the local newspaper by printing a fake letter to Santa supposedly written by a child waiting to be adopted. How many people will show up for an information night to get the same experience as "Sara"?
Lure them in with cuteness and society belief that SW are tossing children into cars of people who drive too close - then hit them with the "we only have teenagers and kids with problems, so if you're here to adopt a baby, be ashamed of yourself. We need to you adopt these kids, even if it's not right for you."
I'm really glad that "Sara" has been posting about her journey, because it has made me take a closer look at what I'm doing and how I'm handling it. I have to believe that somewhere there is a child for me and the journey to get there is just going to make it even more precious. It's also making me realize that I have to accept the fact that this journey will be fraught with periods of pain and hopelessness as well as joy and peace. It's obviously my fate to have a long one, anyways.
I hate that. Not that I think everything should be roses and sunshine in these types of adoption seminars; just the continued portrayal of adoption as this easy thing that could be done by anyone, if only we would all stop being such selfish, lazy people. Hell, last night I watched a Christmas movie in which two young children (Santa believer age) ran away from their evil SW and somehow hooked up with a kind-hearted con man. The kids, seemed to have few issues, despite the loss of their parents, having lived in three different foster homes in less than a year and having lived on the streets for a week. At the end of movie, the con man was able adopt the children (and inherited 20 million). Before you say "oh, no one believes those movies", our local CPS office is advertising for adoptive parents in the local newspaper by printing a fake letter to Santa supposedly written by a child waiting to be adopted. How many people will show up for an information night to get the same experience as "Sara"?
Lure them in with cuteness and society belief that SW are tossing children into cars of people who drive too close - then hit them with the "we only have teenagers and kids with problems, so if you're here to adopt a baby, be ashamed of yourself. We need to you adopt these kids, even if it's not right for you."
I'm really glad that "Sara" has been posting about her journey, because it has made me take a closer look at what I'm doing and how I'm handling it. I have to believe that somewhere there is a child for me and the journey to get there is just going to make it even more precious. It's also making me realize that I have to accept the fact that this journey will be fraught with periods of pain and hopelessness as well as joy and peace. It's obviously my fate to have a long one, anyways.
Dec 12, 2008
Phone Calls
You know, the one good thing about China is there is a somewhat predicatable wait line. There's no point in wondering if I'll get a call today because it's unlikely to happen for a few more years.
In working with the state, it's a total gamble. Every morning I have no idea what number is going to up. This means that every time the phone rings, it could possible be the placement coordinator calling me to place a child. It could the local car dealer desperate to sell me a car. It could some poor Indian woman telemarketing... answering the phone is like pulling the lever on the slot machine. Most of the time it's car dealer or telemarketer, but I keep pulling because eventually a row of sevens is going to come up.
The placement coordinator called my cell phone during class this morning. I saw the phone number come up as a local number... but in order to play fair to my students I hit the ignore button. See what a good teacher I am? Also, if it was the placement coordinator, he/she would move to the next number listed for me. My desk phone. Which I am allowed to answer during class.
Three seconds later, it rang. My heart started to flutter... and he/she was calling to confirm that I don't have any placements currently. Not that there are any kids available or coming in or "it looks like...", just a status check.
oh, well, tomorrow is a pull of the lever.
Dec 11, 2008
Paperwork Recieved
One positive thing about working with my local county. It only took a simple email to find out if my paperwork was received - no packages, no hints from people "in the know"... just an email.
Of course, all I got was confirmation that it was received. What happens now is anyone's guess.
Meanwhile, I made my first batch of christmas cookies. Tomorrow is the staff xmas party and I'm taking homemade wine and cookies. I got a new phone that I'm in love with and half of my house is ready for guests. My christmas cards were shipped to me today and hopefully will be mailed out this weekend. Time moves on and you either go with it or watch it go by.
Of course, all I got was confirmation that it was received. What happens now is anyone's guess.
Meanwhile, I made my first batch of christmas cookies. Tomorrow is the staff xmas party and I'm taking homemade wine and cookies. I got a new phone that I'm in love with and half of my house is ready for guests. My christmas cards were shipped to me today and hopefully will be mailed out this weekend. Time moves on and you either go with it or watch it go by.
Dec 7, 2008
Trying to stay busy
weekends are soooooo long when your missing someone...
Today I started sorting out Lala's clothes and toys. Instead of "doesn't fit" vs. "does fit" back into their marked sizes and age appropriateness. It's been hard to go back into her room, but as it's been nearly two weeks, I figured it was time to start clearing things up. Can't leave the car seat sitting in the living room for the rest of my life.
I also started preparing for the holidays. Apparently my family will be coming here and I need space for the visitors. Plus, I will be doing the SW-clean-house-dance again for the third time. I'm beginning to associate Christmas with social workers.
When I realized that Lala was truly going home, I emailed my foster-care lisence person to find out how I got other SW to think of me when placing a child for potential adoption. The reply was that I needed to submit paperwork to become an adoptive home. Which I thought I was, but it would seem not. The paperwork I had to fill out? Yup. The same stuff I've filled out the previous two times. Luckily, I have it saved in a file on my computer and photo copies of everything. It was just a matter of adjusting and copying. I mailed out the paperwork on Friday - it should arrive on Monday, where I'm sure it will sit on someone's desk for another week or so.
I think I've become jaded and bitter to whole thing.
Today I started sorting out Lala's clothes and toys. Instead of "doesn't fit" vs. "does fit" back into their marked sizes and age appropriateness. It's been hard to go back into her room, but as it's been nearly two weeks, I figured it was time to start clearing things up. Can't leave the car seat sitting in the living room for the rest of my life.
I also started preparing for the holidays. Apparently my family will be coming here and I need space for the visitors. Plus, I will be doing the SW-clean-house-dance again for the third time. I'm beginning to associate Christmas with social workers.
When I realized that Lala was truly going home, I emailed my foster-care lisence person to find out how I got other SW to think of me when placing a child for potential adoption. The reply was that I needed to submit paperwork to become an adoptive home. Which I thought I was, but it would seem not. The paperwork I had to fill out? Yup. The same stuff I've filled out the previous two times. Luckily, I have it saved in a file on my computer and photo copies of everything. It was just a matter of adjusting and copying. I mailed out the paperwork on Friday - it should arrive on Monday, where I'm sure it will sit on someone's desk for another week or so.
I think I've become jaded and bitter to whole thing.
Dec 6, 2008
Seven Random Things
1. My Christmas tree has a really ugly stand. And I'm really tired of staring at it every holiday because there are never any presents around it.
2. I always watch Santa's progress via the NORAD tracking center.
3. I was really crabby this Christmas and refused to let my mother watch "It's a Wonderful Life" because it's not.
4. I think I've seen just about ever episode of House, thanks to the endless tv marathons.
5. I really need to finish painting the living room and the thousand other little jobs I should finish.
6. I may just about be hitting my limit on how much sugar one person an ingest in a month.
7. my life has become very boring... and it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better.
2. I always watch Santa's progress via the NORAD tracking center.
3. I was really crabby this Christmas and refused to let my mother watch "It's a Wonderful Life" because it's not.
4. I think I've seen just about ever episode of House, thanks to the endless tv marathons.
5. I really need to finish painting the living room and the thousand other little jobs I should finish.
6. I may just about be hitting my limit on how much sugar one person an ingest in a month.
7. my life has become very boring... and it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better.
Dec 5, 2008
Through Review
Only five more years to go.
Also, the orphanage fee was raised to $5090 (US)... whoopy.
Dec 4, 2008
Grieving
It suddenly dawned on me yesterday that I've been grieving for Lala for that past week... I know it sounds obvious, but for some reason for me it just wasn't.
I left for Thanksgiving and kept myself busy with family and shopping (and purchased gifts for Lala; why? because I just had to), but when the work week started I just kinda fell into a pattern of nothingness. I haven't done the dishes since coming back because no one needs to have their favorite sippy ready; no one cares if the floor is dog hair free; no one needs me to cook dinner... I pretty much get home, read the paper (all three pages) and then fall asleep on the couch.
Sleeping nearly 12 hours a day probably is a bad sign.
The sun is shining today and I'm hoping to get myself out of this funk and back into some sort of routine or at least start caring about things around the house.
I left for Thanksgiving and kept myself busy with family and shopping (and purchased gifts for Lala; why? because I just had to), but when the work week started I just kinda fell into a pattern of nothingness. I haven't done the dishes since coming back because no one needs to have their favorite sippy ready; no one cares if the floor is dog hair free; no one needs me to cook dinner... I pretty much get home, read the paper (all three pages) and then fall asleep on the couch.
Sleeping nearly 12 hours a day probably is a bad sign.
The sun is shining today and I'm hoping to get myself out of this funk and back into some sort of routine or at least start caring about things around the house.
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