Confession

This morning I had to finally admit to myself… I am not a good cook. I’m not quite down to ranking with the worst cooks in America, but there are definitely days I feel close.

Case in point, I cannot produce a competent pancake. You would think that this a rather simplistic item… but mine are always bland or burned. My casseroles are bland. My breads are heavy and doughy. I cannot make good mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes! How does that even happen? It’s just potatoes!

The only things I can really do well are baked chicken (put chicken in pan. bake.) and gravy. I do make a good gravy, but that’s really it.

In addition the my June habit of clutter-busting, I’m going to start cooking stuff. Yup, that’s my plan. Cook stuff. Hopefully, the kids won’t starve. Lately there’s been a few dinners where the only thing eaten were Kix and canned green beans. Suggestions to try out?

I’m starting out in one of my favorite cookbooks. “Stories and Recipes of the Great Depression of the 1930’s” by Janet Van Amber Paske. There are several volumes, but the first one remains my favorite. Some the recipes aren’t ones I’ll be using any time like a boiled hog’s head or Wisconsin Gravy (which I can make!), or fried Squirrels. But others are pretty frugal and tasty.

Tonight we’re having Turkey Loaf. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

Madame Mim the Mind Reader

One of things I hate about foster to adopt is the amount of "reading the signs" I end up doing. 

Case Worker does this, it must mean that. Biological Parent does that, must mean this.

It is especially mind wracking when these "signs" are in conflict with one another. Mostly because it leads to another round of speculation. I really wish I could just go with the flow, let go, trust in God and all that crap, but apparently I can't. So, instead I sit around wondering what it all means.

Quick Update

• Lala’s dog bite is healing. Explained the situation to her CW and so far, the dog is not going to be in “doggie jail”. I already have a “safety plan” in place, but it’s not one that the dog loves, so I am looking for a new home for her. Had lots of conversations with people about it and if a better home can be found, it would probably be the best. Or, it may be a really long winter.
• Most of my holiday shopping is done. Unfortunately, the cuddler seems to have gotten the raw end of the deal… his poor little stocking is nearly empty. However, I’m not going to buy anything more until the gifts from the state arrive as I have no idea what will show up. Also have no idea when anything will show up.
• I decided to return one of Lala’s gifts I ordered. First, it’s on sale somewhere else for about half the price and second, I’m not so sure I want it any more. I’m wondering if I should create a pretend kitchen with a wooden crate and shelving. That way, it could be recycled into something useful and it supposed to ‘pretend’. How realistic does ‘pretend’ need to be?
• Cards were ordered and are on their way here. Hopefully, they will arrive by Thanksgiving so that I can get them done on Friday and sent out.
• Turkey is currently thawing in fridge in preparation for Thanksgiving. If you’re wondering about the process, it’s here.
• The cuddler will be here over the holidays. No reunification plan has been set.

Photos

As the holidays get closer, I’m thinking more and more about the holiday photo card. Yes, I’m one those people… and not only do I send out photos of myself, kids and dog, but I also send them out Thanksgiving weekend. Cheesy and early. Actually, it’s really the only time I have to write out the cards, address them and get stamps to mail them out. Waiting until December means they probably won’t be sent out.

To accomplish this Thanksgiving weekend task, however, means that the photos have to taken, proofed and sent out the the printer soon. At this juncture in time, I have no idea what is going on with the cuddler’s case. Really, I haven’t a clue. I won’t know until late next week, maybe. I can’t wait that long to hold off to have the photos taken.

So the question becomes, do I include the cuddler on the hopes that he will be here for the holidays? Not include him, because he might be gone by then and if he does become a keeper, he won’t know that he was left out for at least another ten years.

I’ve really tried to philosophical and ‘understanding’ about the lack of information regarding his case, but he’s on his 4th CW in 9 months. I live in a poor rural area. It’s not like there is a lot of people moving in and out… even with this economy. Exactly where are these former CW going? And who is replacing them? Or if no one is being replaced… well, I guess that would explain the total lack of information.

Another Meeting

I finally received a letter informing of an upcoming meeting for the cuddler. Hopefully I’ll get more information on his future – I think these past few months of no information has really set me up for an emotional fall. My mind has been moving into “permanent” mode, even though nothing I’ve ever seen or heard has pointed to that direction. The meeting is next week.

In the meantime, it’s been very busy around here. This week is a huge fundraising event (actually 10 days of events!) at work. It’s for a good cause and raises much needed funds… but it’s a lot of work. Last night was a “talent” show in which I performed twice. Sadly, no one recorded it on camera. I had a lot of people tell me that my rendition of Red-Hooded Sweatshirt was quite funny. Tomorrow night is the dessert auction. That’s the event I’m in charge of and I think that I might actually be experienced enough not to freak out this year. At least I haven’t freaked out yet. Tomorrow night I will probably be sweating it out waiting for the donations to show up.

I tried to help out in the dessert donation part by making cookies tonight. I should have known… I cannot make no bake cookies. The whole cooking the sugar for just the right amount of time does not work for me. Even when I have directions, it doesn’t work. I’d post a photo of them, but it’s just too embarrassing. I’ll have to hit the grocery store tomorrow before the auction. Sad.

Home Visit and School Visit

Tomorrow is my final home visit for the home study. I'm predicting
that the homestudy report will be done just before my fingerprints to
expire. Hopefully, that means I will not have to do them again! It
will be such a relief to have everything done!

Last night was our school open house. My babysitter crapped out on me
at the last minute, and I could not find another. Every back up
already had plans - two were planning on actually attending said Open
House. So, as any good single mom, I brought them with me. All was
well until the third group of parents. By then Lala was comfortable
and the cuddler had run into his second wind. While I was trying
explain the class requirements to parent, I had a little boy sitting
in a stroller chattering away (or rather "bok-ing" away... he really
does sound like a chicken trying to lay an egg!) and a little girl
rolling on the floor under my feet saying "momma" over and over.
Luckily, the scene reminded all the parents of when their children
were young AND those were happy memories. I know it was certainly
memorable for me!

Moving Along

First, I talked myself out of the new car. I really do not need one and I may need that car payment money sooner than I thought.

This morning was the meeting with Lala's CW. TPR has been filed and has a court date in Nov. Her BM is MIA. No BF was ever identified. This means that the court notices have to be published for several weeks in a newspaper. For this means, I need to get cracking on that adoption homestudy (still haven't had 2nd meeting with AW) and probably find a lawyer. Having never been this far in the process I'm a little unsure as to what I need to do right now. Probably a good question for the AW.

In the meantime, I'm trying to clear out my "sewing"/storage room for the cuddler. Seriously, we are all happier when he has a lot room to run around in and it will start raining in a matter of weeks. One of the joys of this are is rain from October to May. Like, non-stop rain. While finding new homes for all the stuff is a challenge, the floors in that room are going to be even more so. They are wood, but not in good shape. In fact, I think one spot may actually have mildew in the wood... I'm waiting for the ONE wood floor guy in county to call me back about re-doing them. Hopefully, it's something I can actually afford. Prices in this area are kinda steep and since he's the ONLY guy in the entire county who does this, he's probably more than a little pricey. And if it is mildew issue, I can't just carpet over it.

In the meantime, I'll be working on finding more storage in a house that doesn't really have any. I think I'm going to try to create a faux built in the living room to store books and such. Or at least coral all the toys... I'm already wondering how I will be able to handle Christmas toys.

Change of Seasons

Since this area really only has two seasons... dry and wet, I figure I can set my own change dates. We returned from my family's annual reunion last night. Surprising, the cuddler made pretty good progress for sitting in the car all day. I think it's because Lala was in the back seat with him and could be entertaining when she wanted. Also, I rented a larger vehicle (a CR-V) for the trip, so they weren't so packed in. I'm really thinking about buying a CR-V. It was comfortable, did pretty good on gas milage and had tons of room.

Last week I had a meeting with some of Lala's people and it looked like they were planning on her being here permantly. I told my mother, who immediately got excited and asked why I wasn't... because we all know how this rollercoaster rides, don't we? This morning I heard a rumor that a wrench was thrown into the works. Does this mean a change in plans? Will we all soldier on with the first plan? Once again, I find myself in the unknown. Fun, fun.

What a difference a day makes...

Slowly getting used to having two kids. Yesterday I saw a woman walking down the street with three kids under five and couldn't understand how any one could sign up for that kind of punishment... yep, getting used to having two.

Lala is sleeping through the night and now has a bed rail to keep from falling out of bed. Yesterday she didn't even start her bedtime screaming until she was actually in the bed - it's a definite improvement sign.

Or it could be that it's finally starting to cool down. Two days of nearly 100 degree heat in a town that almost never goes above 70 has the baby all discontent. Of course, we don't have AC - why bother for the three days a year when it's over 80 degrees - I survived NYC with out one for many summers. Of course, I was an adult in NYC from a relatively hotter climate, not an infant who has only experienced cool weather.

In the meantime, Lala's stay has been extended, as I'm sure many of you knew would happen. It's possible that her stay will be permanent. I'm cautiously optimistic, but given the ups and downs so far, it's hard to get excited.

Tired... very tired.

Lala isn't sleeping through the night. Not that I blame her, but this means that the cuddler isn't either. But we are starting to get a routine in place for going to bed and she didn't fall out of the bed at all (she did twice the first night) - she and cuddler share a bedroom and it's been a bit difficult with her screaming at the top of her lungs when she gets into bed. Which wakes the cuddler up and then they're both screaming... and the cycle begins again at around 2 am. I'm hoping this will lessen soon. I've gotten nothing done for the past two days trying catch up on sleep while the "kids" are in day care.

Yah... they're in two different daycares. Lala is going to one about 20 miles away so that she can see her siblings every day. I didn't realize what a huge time suck it would be when I agreed to it. It's like half my morning gone. Or maybe just my fuzzy lack of sleep logic.

About the baby - I'm not going to get her. I have to assume that she's gone to another family. It's disappointing, but I couldn't say no to Lala. After hearing everything from the foster family she was with for a couple of days and the case worker, it's obvious that having someone who knows her is much, much better for her. Her personality and the things she's experienced, even at the ripe old age of nearly two, make her more than a little confounding.

Busy Day

Well, things have settled down for the next hour or so... Lala will be arriving tonight. Apparently she's been in care since Friday at another foster home, claiming that they couldn't reach me.

Right now, the placement is for two weeks. That's right, two weeks. I can't really go into detail, but lets just say that Lala's parents aren't necessarily bad people, just people who make dumb, dumb choices. And while I want to be there for Lala, I can't help feeling a bit scammed. A two week placement is like walking around the casino and a placement where they tell you "it WILL likely be a termination" is placing an actual bet.

I'm also a bit worried about Lala. There are some things that the current foster mom told that while not suprising, seemed to have escalated. I realize that we will never truly know how psychological trauma and neglect will affect a child or for how long, but I have to wonder if she was doing great 8 months ago while in my care and now not so much even though "everyone is doing great!" what the heck is really going on when there is no one watching.

Holy Crap!

So, I just posted just 30 minutes ago and things may have changed again!

Apparently, Lala is coming back into care and they want to place her back with me. Conference call at 3pm to get more information. I am so confused!

Seriously, anyone reading this - if you had a child who was returned home and then placed back with after 8 months, please leave me any advice you can think of... like, will she remember me? Will she be angry with me? Will she just be angry? (duh...) What should I do with her to make sure she feels comfortable? Should I still get a crib? She'll be two next month, when do you switch to toddler beds? How big will she be? Will she get along with the baby? She is the baby of her family... now she'll be the oldest.

I am heartbroken that she is coming back into care. I mean, I love her with all my heart and will be thrilled to see her, but not at this cost.

Ok, now I really do need to clean the house because I can't thinking and walking around trying to figure out what needs to be done first.

OMG! OMG!

Could this be it?

I just got a call from the placement co-ordinator asking if I was interested in having a newborn infant placed with me... one that will probably be going to termination (this is the ONLY time anyone has EVER said this me!) and, in fact, the adoption worker had suggested my name as a placement option.

I am quitely freaking out.

The infant is currently in the hospital, possibly in the PICU... but the PC didn't call it that and really, he was talking too fast for me to get all the information written down. There will be a meeting with the CW to go over all the information, hopefully before the placement? OMG... I really know nothing about this child! (this would be the freaking out part!)

Can I handle what is going on with this child? This totally changes my plans for the next year for work - as in, there is no way I can do National Boards. Luckily, something has kept me from filling out all the paperwork and paying for anything. I wonder if I can get a refund on the money I've spent for co-hort class, even though it started already? Will I be able to get back into the pro-cert program? I have to do something in order to keep my job... and option two is waaaaayyyy easier.

Where am I going to fit another crib? Where am I going to get another crib? Shit, I have to buy another car seat? I wonder the Cuddler can move into the other car seat I have? I think he's still too little... ok, just checked and he's just made it past the cut off (or past it depending on who is doing the weighing). Can I do too babies? What about the dog? She is not going to be happy. I should probably clean up the living room (or giant toy box as it should be known). What if the baby needs a hermetically sealed house? Seriously, I am not that clean. What if the baby has to be fed through a ng tube or something every two hours? Where does one even find day care for such a child? Should I take materity leave? I have like a month of sick time built up... I wonder if I can use it? I may have an excuse to buy that minivan now!

There are about a million things running through my head at the moment and I can NOT reach my mother by phone! She is my medical encyclopedia and I can't even figure out which unit the baby is in because the PC doesn't use the same terminology as they do on TV.

Good and Bad Days

We all have them... some days it's enough just to see the cuddler's sweet smile and that way he puts his hand under his chin and tilts his head when looking at you and nothing else matters. My gosh it's so cute, it's overwhelming. Then there are days when you realize that this may be the last time you see that look, because he doesn't do it all the time and one day he could be gone. I hate those days.

After the meeting with the CW last week, I was having one of those bad days. I know there is no comparison between placements, but I kept comparing the Cuddler to Lala. Where she was this time last year and where will the cuddler be coming November... should I start saving up for Christmas presents? Lala's are still sitting in the storage room from last year... I guess I'll donate them this year. Or if the Cuddler is still here, maybe he can "give" them away to someone else.

I tell myself that I have to just go with the flow and not try to figure out what's going happen next... that it's an exercise in futility and saddness, but I'm here I am, still keeping one foot in reality and the other in fantasy.

Finally!

All the paperwork has been received (found!) and has been passed on to an adoption worker.  Since it took nearly five months for the paperwork to be completed, any guesses on how long it takes the adoption to call me for the first (of four!) visit? I'm officially guessing that the homestudy should be completed sometime around September.

 

In other news, I still have the cuddler. For how long, I don't really know. Word on the street indicates it might be awhile, but for whatever reason, I'm only being approved for care on a month by month basis. It could be that things are still up in the air, relatives may be on the horizon or the new computer system that was installed a few months ago. (Apparently, it's making everyone's life miserable. Big shock, I know.) As always, I'll just keep plugging away.

Flattery will get you nowhere...

Yesterday I got a call about another placement. Apparently, I was recommended because the placement in question is somewhat a special needs one. The placement coordinator had A LOT information and told me to "think about it"... ominous don't you think?

I had to turn it down for the simple reason that two non-walkers make logistics of living very hard. I realize that parents of multiples do it all the time, but right now it's not a good time for me to do that.

Brrrriiiinnng!

Just when I was telling myself not to feel sorry for myself and that I was already blessed... stop being bloody boring, I got a phone call.

I picked up a beautiful baby boy this evening. He was full of smiles all evening. Of course, he's now full of "I'm not sleeping and you can't make me". Thank God my mother was in town to help out. Otherwise I'd be going mad with amount of work I had planned on doing this evening that must be done.

On a high note, a boy means more shopping! Sadly, probably not much. I'm really hoping that a family member will step up soon. It's obvious to me that someone really loves this little boy and wanted to care for him.

categories

when someone signs up for "foster-to-adopt" they are licensed as a foster parent and do all the adoption stuff to. Usually people do this in hopes of being matched faster or adopt a child that may be not likely to be available. Like a baby. As a licensed foster parent, you can have a child placed in your home before they are legally free to be adopted. This is where risk comes in... the higher the risk the greater the chance that the child will be reunified with a birth parent or other family member.

In the highest risk category, every child that is placed in the home is on track to reunified with their bio-parent or family member. They are on that track until they aren't. The foster parent has no control over this at all and in all ethical and moral ways needs to support that goal as best they can without jepardizing anyone's safety.

While the caseworker may tell the foster parent that the child will probably become available for adoption, I was told emphatically during my PRIDE classes that the same caseworker is telling the bio-parent they can work the case plan and get their child back and/or searching for other family members. That knowledge is always lurking in the background and has to be treated with respect before jumping in the pool.

FWIW, the lowest risk is basically a straight adoption, it just moves a little faster than the court system. Since the adoptive family is already a licensed foster parent, the child can be moved to the adoptive home a little quicker. Not being one of these, I really don't know how much of a difference it makes.

Also -> none of this applies to private agenies, states other than mine or cross-state adoptions.
Last -> I was told by a reader that my state will no longer do "foster-to-adopt", again, I'm NOT and expert, and each county sets it's own rules... probably each office. Who knows.

Take everything with a grain of salt

Annoyed

Today I broke down and emailed the placement coordinator to ask why I hadn't received any calls in the last two months. He, of course, called back me immediately. Such, the used car salesman! Always wanting to keep people as happy as he can... because you never know what is around the corner.

 

Anyhoo... while talking with him, I find out that A. I was previously categorized in the most risk category... and B. all placements that aren't all that risky go directly to the adoption workers... not people on the list. Since I'm not currently ON the adoption list (still haven't heard word one since early Dec.), of course, NOONE WILL CALL ME. Ahhhh... the light bulb turns on.

 

So, first, I changed back to the most risk category. Yeah, it's sad when kids go home, but at least the new one will be a distraction and I do get over it. At least with positive updates, I do. (Lala is doing well, and I trust the people at her new daycare) Second, I emailed the adoption workers. I'd call, but I'm way better in emails (I can write "grovel" better than speak it) and usually everyone's voice mail is so packed that it takes hours to go through them, let alone begin the return calls.

 

Hoops, hoops and more hoops.

Meanwhile...

I really like elipses. Really, really. Just to let you know...

I decided to leave my "designation" as possible adoptive placement - which is what it was (probably)... I re-read the email several times, and did a lot of soul searching... wrote a bunch of really painful, "pity-party" posts (which you I'll spare you from reading) and it really came down to being honest with myself. I'm still grieving the loss of Lala. And I worry about her all her time. Sometimes I even cry. Some days I curse fate. Some days I curse myself... it's all a process I guess. To me this means that "whatever goes" category, just isn't for me. The alternative end isn't either... since I'm sure to go insane waiting that long.

So, I'm waiting again. And really working to distract myself from looking at the phone. Luckily, there are lots and lots of blogs to read.

p.s. today I found an very interesting looking children's consignment shop. I didn't go in, but I did make a note of it's location for future reference. they had a totally cute little skirt and sweater in the window...