If I was pregnant, I'd be really fat, tired and definitely ready to get that baby out. Instead, I think I've entered into the zen zone of "whatever". All the projects that I planned on doing are sitting in a corner... it seems kinda like waste of time to work on them. It's a problem of too much time. So, here's to hoping that soon I'll be out of time.

Homestudy Again...

This time last year, I was waiting to for the call from my agency's social worker to set up the homestudy visit. I was so excited... just waiting for the call (not "THE CALL" - just a call to set up the appointment). I drove back from the Christmas celebrations to Seattle for the first meeting, mentally rehearsing answers to questions I thought I might be asked. Then came the marathon cleaning and arranging of furniture. Preparing the dog. I swear I can still feel the excitment from it.

This year, the SW from the state finally made on Thursday (almost 12 months later than the first). It took about two hours, but it probably would have taken less time if I wasn't so chatty and the dog didn't keep trying to sit on her lap. The appointment was scheduled for 3.30pm and I didn't have time to take her (the dog) for a walk, so she (the dog) was a little excited to see someone else there. I pointed out my smoke detectors and fire extinguishers, the locked medicine box and all the fire exits. We discussed having fire drills - the SW recommended that I practice with the dog (seriously!). Everything was checked off - the report takes about two weeks to write up and is then sent to the supervisor. My fingerprints are still not back, so that has to also be cleared. Hopefully, it's just a christmas rush or vacation rush or something like that.

After that, I don't know. It's a little scary with all the "don't know" time frames. Initially, I was told that I would have a long wait (ha! they don't really know what long means...) and then as the SW was leaving, she told me that another family had been cleared the day before and was "already full." I don't know if that means I should be excited, worried or neither. I guess I'd have to say that I'm more than a little catious with my emotions this time around. I haven't done anything to prepare myself in months. No books, no magazine articles, no shopping for myself, nada. I'm not sure I want to start up again, only to have another torturous wait.

Home Study Part Deux

Tomorrow the SW from the state is coming to do the foster/adopt homestudy. I wish I could say that I was excited, but really, I'm not. I didn't clean nearly as deeply as before and I keep forgetting to lock up the wine bottles. There are still dishes in the sink - but I'm too tired to finish tonight. Hopefully, I'll get up early tomorrow morning and do it. I've had enough stress for today.

Really Hanging Around

What's the old saying... "men make plans and God laughs"...

It snowed on Saturday. Really fat flakes that stuck around long enough to make a snowman. Sadly, it melted in the rain on Sunday. Sunday night brought on a big storm - at least to Pacific Northwest standards - kinda like a Nor'easter only with more panic. Really, people around here are such pansies when it comes to inclement weather. I was a little worried about the satellite dish on the roof, but I also knew that there wasn't a clear path for the wind to blow it directly.

About 1.30am (monday), the power went out. I woke up about 5.30am to wait for the phone call from school... it never came. Eventually, I found my emergecy radio (hidden next to the emergency candles, except I already had candles out, so looked there last), wound it up and listened. No power anywhere, most of the county was dark. People are starting to call me to find out about school, but no word. I was just about to drive in when the radio finally announced the school closure at 6.30am. What were they holding out for? Who knows... I'm guessing they did not build in any extra days into the calendar (God forbid kids should attend school for one second more than the state mandated 180 days) and since some genius scheduled graduation on the last day of school, it's likely to be fubar when the missed days are added back in. BTW, it's now day three of no school and no one from the school has called. Someone did manage to update the school website. Heh.

Monday morning I drove down the road to get some hot coffee, but otherwise sat around the house reading a Patricia Cornwell book. Thanks to Ikea, I had plenty of batteries and candles. I even rigged up little hot pot set up using tea lights and the broiler tray from my toaster oven. Tuesday I went to the grocery store to pick up some more fruit and, you know... escape the four walls I'd been staring at for the last 24 hours. The wind had stopped and the roads were passable to the grocery. Of course, the highway was blocked by landslides and trees. There were huge lines to get gas, but I think they all used most of what they bought in the waiting.The power went back on at 12.37am, but we're still out of school. There's no real flooding (beyond the annual) around here. Lots of trees down and almost every street sign came down, but for the most part we're watching everything on TV, just like you are. It looks worse in the outlying areas, but I'm not going to have a real close look.

*update - I finally got a call. No school tomorrow either. The roads to the outside world are still sketchy and no one seems to what's going to happen, so I'm just hanging around.

Not Really Hanging Around

With the holidays coming on and three performances next week, I've barely been online in the last week, avoided email and blogs and just tried to keep my head above water.

I still have a ton of grading to do and am debating heading into the big city to meet up with a friend.... decisions, decisions, decisions...

Yesteday I got the insulation finished (finally!), in snowed and I finished all my christmas cards. My shopping is nearly done; all that is left is making of cookies for the neighbors and friends.

8 months... I almost wrote 9. Guess I'm starting to loose track of time. Have you bought anything for your baby this year? So far, I've bought a lot for others... and even thought about giving some of what I bought to someone else.

Tomorrow night is the foster-care home visit. It feels very anti-climatic

The To-Do List

Yesterday I didn't shop. Besides the fact that I really don't have a lot of money to shop with, I just didn't see anything that grabbed my attention. It's a sentiment I heard from many people, so I'm guessing that all crowds were of people who just wanted to shop. There were some good lap top deals, but I don't need one enough to fight the crowds.

Instead I spent the day doing genealogy research (and laundry). I stumbled on some new contacts on Thanksgiving and they wrote me back almost immediately. I know have copies of my great-great-great-grandfather's death certificate and will. You know what's really weird? With a few exceptions, my father's family all comes from the same general area in OH but apparently never met until arriving in Spokane, WA. I always heard stories about entire towns moving out to WA after getting letters from early arrivals - but an entire state? Even weirder? Part of my mother's family is from the same area too! Makes it easy to order records though.

Today, I'm putting Christmas lights, doing insulation (since it seems to be impossible to hire someone to do it with my schedule) and finishing the tree. I may have to buy new tree lights. My usual strand seems to have given up the ghost.

I think you get the message...

Another Bulleted Entry

• I put up shelves yesterday, however, they were in my storage room... not the baby's room.
• I finally remembered to take all my packages to the post office to be mailed, but remember my brother's present at the post office. I might just take it up to him on Thanksgiving.
• Our first dance team competition in on Dec. 8th and we don't have an entire routine planned out. We only have about a minute and half... it has to be at least two minutes.
• Dance Team uniforms arrive on Tuesday. You can't believe how happy I am about that. Until then, they've been wearing warms ups. I heard that at a football performance, several people said they didn't look good in the warm ups. I found out on Friday why... the current fashion for teens is long shirst that hang outside of jackets - they all wore white t-shirts that hung out. It looks like the white flag of 10 extra pounds (pounds that some just don't need) and sloppy. I can't believe the assistant coach let them on the field like that!
• I got into an argument with a couple of members of the dance team aobut wearing these shirts hanging out for the program photo. Guess who argued that most? Yep. The ones it looks the worst on. One actually said "it hides my bluge!"... by wrapping it in white on a dark background.
• I tell myself that, at one time, we all thought mullets were attractive. Ugly fads are always around.
• I'm having a hard time finding someone to finish insulating my attic. Of course, it may have something to do with my lack of follow up because I'm so busy with school, dance team and honor society.
• I'm so far behind in grading that I'm actually scared to start grading.

Hissy Fit

So, last week was all about having a hissy fit.

I've never been good at waiting for what I really want. I always peeked at my Christmas presents... and in fact, am so good that even now I can simply shake box to know it's contents. My family has tried various tricks over the years starting when I was three. My parents discovered that I could read and write Christmas Eve that year when pulling down presents from the top shelf of their closet. A box clearly marked "doll" had my name written all over it. Granted it wasn't the best hand writing, but it was clearly my name. It's still a mystery how I got up there since my partner in crime was barely 7 months old.

They've tried hiding at friends houses - still they had to come home at some point, see "box shaking" comment above. They tried not marking any wrapped presents under the tree and wrapping everything. It only too about a day to figure out the color coding system and find a razor blade... same for the numbering system. There were a couple of years of unwrapping my siblings gifts because without a color or number system, no one remembered what was what.

Now my family goes for a two-pronged offense. First they buy things that are really odd and not on my gift list. (my step-mother keeps a notebook all year long listening for ideas) and everything gets wrapped in unusal boxes or with confusing items. For example, a sweater is placed in an extra large box with a couple of handfuls of plastic flatware. Or a pair of boots are stuffed into an Amazon box with the Amazon packing pillows.

Needless to say there is no peeking with adoption from China. In fact, I'm not even sure there is anything to peek at. It's doubtful that the child I will be referred will even be born within the next two years. And who knows what will happen during that time??? Obviously, I'm not going to jump ship right now, because there's no reason to... but I do need to find something to help me through this wait. I'm obsessed with trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel... and it will drive me crazy if I don't stop.

China Adoption Forecast

has been updated. For those following along, it updated my predicted referral date to March 22, 2012. That adds another year to my waiting... or just another nail in the coffin of that dream.

I'm not going to pull my dossier, but right now, I'm not planning on updating it either. Seriously, I don't see the point in throwing good money after bad. In fact, it makes me more than slightly angry that I've spent the money I already have on something that apparently isn't going to happen. I realize I'm only 7 months into this, but realistically, I've already been waiting years. Waiting for this dream I've had since I was 4 years old... and I'm not willing to wait any longer.

It's time to move on.

I dunno if I'm going to counts months each month or just add them up for each event. At times I wonder if it even matters any more... in reading posts on various boards and groups, I can see people splitting into a few of groups: those who are just disconnected, those who are moving to SN and those who just don't know what to do. I guess you could put me in the group of disconnected... although am I really? I did still create the image for this post. A few days late, but done none the less.

I finished one fundraiser at school and am working on another. Tis the season, I guess. And since it's the first of Nov. I did listen to Christmas music today. I'm nearly finished with a scarf for my brother, I finished most of the pom bags for the team (ran out of cording) and purchased the supplies for a few more presents. A friend found out she's having a girl, my cousin is getting married and having a baby in May and two more students announced their pregnancies, so I guess those are more things to make to waste time...

Didja ever...

have one of those days where you just wanted to run away?

I'm beginning to think that I really made a mistake in taking on the dance coaching job - it's so frustrating and seemingly endless. Today another two girls quit. One of them was a captain. In talking with her, she didn't think she was respected enough and didn't like choreographing all the time. I thought she was respected, but in her mind, apparently not. I also think that other quitter had something to do with these complaints, but it's bygones now.

I believe of the original 18 from last spring's try-outs that leaves 5? We picked up another 5, this fall.. but still... feel like I want to quit. I'm definitely over this at the end of the year. And never again, I can tell you that.

Still Here and still waiting...

I got a letter from the foster lisence-or. My fingerprints were rejected again. I need to find a new fingerprint person, because apparently the local one is not good. That certainly explains our crime rate and lack of enforcement... just what I want to rush around doing for a third time.

In the meantime, can I tell you how many people I know who are currently pregnant? I beginning to be afraid of opening text messages from friends, because I know another baby present will in the future. Frustrating isn't it? I'm happy for them, but horribly jealous with no outlet for it.

I may be crazy...

I did something complete crazy last night - I dunno if it will work out in the final outcome, which is why I'm not really sure if I should say anything at all. At the same time, something has to keep my mind off of this CCAA waiting so why not go for it? Life was meant for risks - sometimes it turns out good, sometimes not. I'm beginning believe, however, that it's the risk that is most important.

A Bright Surprise!

It's been a really stressful month with work - tons of work and coaching. Last weekend, I spent the entire time in a coaches conference. It was really energizing, but the reality is not so much. Luckily, I have an awesome assistant coach. Among all this stress, however, a box arrived!

I got the note about the box after the post office closed, so I had to wait 'til the next day. Inside was an outfit from The Children's Place (a shop I like, but can't purchase anything because it doesn't conform to the "rule"), a panda bear figurine holding a ladybug and ladybug ball (there's actually a hard rubber ball as the main body part...) I had to test it at school, since I knew Keavy would attack it. All balls are her possessions.

I've already purchased my secret pal gift to send out - just have to get it to the post office. I have to say that shopping for someone else is a little more fun that shopping for me. I know someone is going to open it up and enjoy it now. I'm still wondering if everything I've already purchased will be hopelessly out of date by the time anything is received from China. I've already been thinking about shipping it all a cousin who just found out she's pregnant. I could get it all back before my referral is expected and she'd get good use out of it.

Six month LID anniversary - does it even mean anything? I'm beginning to wonder if I should start counting seasons or years instead. Or maybe I'm just feeling like Weeping Wilma today. Some days it's a tough row to hoe.

School has been busy, but coaching has taken a lot out of me. Although I knew it would take time out of my schedule, I just didn't expect it to be so stressful. Mostly because every time I'm feeling like we're getting somewhere, another shoe drops. Of the 18 who were on the team last spring, I've now got 8 left. 2 quit before the first practice, 2 moved over the summer, 2 quit for another sport, 1 had a hissy fit and hasn't spoken to anyone in over a month, another thought her time would be better spent doing homework since she wasn't getting front positioning (lack of talent or inability to attend practices, notwithstanding), one couldn't handle the stress and I can't even remember the last one. I added 5 more this week and one hasn't bothered to show up for practice yet.

The team is all I think about - I fall asleep trying to think of ways to pull the team together and wake up thinking about dance routines. I'm trying to be more organized, but I think the vote is still out on that one. To be brutally honest, if I'd know it was going to be this stressful, I would never have applied for the job.

It's hard to keep a happy face on knowing that I'm failing at this every day. It's like a slow death - sucking what little joy there is out of my life. When you add in the knowledge that I'll be spending yet another holiday season hanging one more "waiting" ornament on the tree - well, it just sucks. If anyone knows an antidote, please let me know.

Ok, something to post.

The Nursery - nearly done.

(sorry about the photo quality... really the crib isn't bent like that)

I got a lot done this summer.

The closet - it's actually the lenght of the wall with a small space between. I decided to put in a narrow set of shelves there for smaller things. It's a CD/DVD rack from Ikea. I painted it Melon to add a bit of color to the room - with all the lilac, it's a bit cool. The Melon gives it a bit of pizzaz. Below are close-ups of the shelves. The tippy-top holds a little bird house!

"Koral Fisk" Laundry basket

("fisk" is swedish for "fish" - guess where I bought this?)

The only thing that is really left is some shelving to put up in the closet... otherwise it's just blankets, toys, clothes and books. I've not really been buying anything lately because I just don't know what's going to happen. Should I just buy things to dust for the next four years? Will the foster licensor ever finish the background check and approve me? Will a child ever be placed with me? How old exactly? So, really I'm back to "if it's a fantastic bargin."
Speaking of which ->
$2!!! Solid wood, a bit dusty, but in fantastic shape.

Helloooo......

I feel kinda bad that I've got nothing to write lately - my job keeps me busy and it seems like I've always got 10 people to call before the day ends... but it all seems a tad boring to write about. The most exciting thing that happened this week is that I discovered I may have a problem in giving vocabulary tests because I've got tables in my room now, instead of desks. I don't know really, since I haven't actually graded said tests... but the possibility is there. Should I, instead just march everyone down to the student center and sit them two at a table? This isn't really an option for my largest class, since there aren't that many tables down there. And, is it feasible on a weekly basis?

For my first real day off in three weeks (no one to entertain, watch over or work stuff), I took the dog to the beach for a short walk and tried to look at some garage sales. Mostly they were junky and crowded. I did pick up a boggle game for 50 cents. Wooot!