I went to the mall today...

Spent $9 on a new pair of pants and a new skirt (great sale!) and then left. I did not stop at Gymboree, Baby Gap and even my favorite crackhouse store, The Children's Place. They all had 70% off sales. I also did not stop at Cold Stream Creamery, but that's another fight altogether.

Now if I can just get past that damn Sarah McLaughlin ASP commercial without crying.

21 months

another Christmas down.

My Christmas wish this year is that we all have our children with us next year. And use this!

Vacation...

I don't know why I was so looking forward to the holiday break... so far I've read more information about RAD, child abuse and adoption fiascos than I really needed to to be able sleep well at night.

I really need something else to do.

Lazy Sunday

This morning my mother called at 9am, shocked to find that I was barely awake.

"You always get up early" she accused.

Well, I don't really have a reason to get up early, do I? It's been snowing for days now and everything is covered with a thick sheet of ice. Plus the town doesn't actually own a snow plow or any other implements of snow/ice removal (seriously - they don't!). Not that I should talk, I don't actually own a snow shovel myself. And in the spirit of saving money, I'm just going to wait it out, rather than attempt to buy one. So, no place to go and nothing to do... why not sleep in?

No news...

I emailed Lala's case worker to pass along my cell phone number so that I could drop off a Christmas present, but so far I've received no reply or phone call. I'm still trying to decide if that is a good thing or not. I'm pretty sure that I'll burst into tears at saying goodbye to her again, especially since I'm nearly crying just thinking about it. At the same time, I really want to see her again...

I know this blog has become somewhat of a downer, but really it's become somewhat of a shout-out to an unfair universe. Hopefully, it will be all sunshine and smiles again soon.

Making Choices

Sara Solitaire wrote a post recently about attending a pre-adoption seminar. Basically, they scared the crap out of her and heartily discouraged her from even thinking she could adopt a baby.

I hate that. Not that I think everything should be roses and sunshine in these types of adoption seminars; just the continued portrayal of adoption as this easy thing that could be done by anyone, if only we would all stop being such selfish, lazy people. Hell, last night I watched a Christmas movie in which two young children (Santa believer age) ran away from their evil SW and somehow hooked up with a kind-hearted con man. The kids, seemed to have few issues, despite the loss of their parents, having lived in three different foster homes in less than a year and having lived on the streets for a week. At the end of movie, the con man was able adopt the children (and inherited 20 million). Before you say "oh, no one believes those movies", our local CPS office is advertising for adoptive parents in the local newspaper by printing a fake letter to Santa supposedly written by a child waiting to be adopted. How many people will show up for an information night to get the same experience as "Sara"?

Lure them in with cuteness and society belief that SW are tossing children into cars of people who drive too close - then hit them with the "we only have teenagers and kids with problems, so if you're here to adopt a baby, be ashamed of yourself. We need to you adopt these kids, even if it's not right for you."

I'm really glad that "Sara" has been posting about her journey, because it has made me take a closer look at what I'm doing and how I'm handling it. I have to believe that somewhere there is a child for me and the journey to get there is just going to make it even more precious. It's also making me realize that I have to accept the fact that this journey will be fraught with periods of pain and hopelessness as well as joy and peace. It's obviously my fate to have a long one, anyways.

Phone Calls

You know, the one good thing about China is there is a somewhat predicatable wait line. There's no point in wondering if I'll get a call today because it's unlikely to happen for a few more years.

 

In working with the state, it's a total gamble. Every morning I have no idea what number is going to up. This means that every time the phone rings, it could possible be the placement coordinator calling me to place a child. It could the local car dealer desperate to sell me a car. It could some poor Indian woman telemarketing... answering the phone is like pulling the lever on the slot machine. Most of the time it's car dealer or telemarketer, but I keep pulling because eventually a row of sevens is going to come up.

 

The placement coordinator called my cell phone during class this morning. I saw the phone number come up as a local number... but in order to play fair to my students I hit the ignore button. See what a good teacher I am? Also, if it was the placement coordinator, he/she would move to the next number listed for me. My desk phone. Which I am allowed to answer during class.

 

Three seconds later, it rang. My heart started to flutter... and he/she was calling to confirm that I don't have any placements currently. Not that there are any kids available or coming in or "it looks like...", just a status check.

 

oh, well, tomorrow is a pull of the lever.

Paperwork Recieved

One positive thing about working with my local county. It only took a simple email to find out if my paperwork was received - no packages, no hints from people "in the know"... just an email.

Of course, all I got was confirmation that it was received. What happens now is anyone's guess.

Meanwhile, I made my first batch of christmas cookies. Tomorrow is the staff xmas party and I'm taking homemade wine and cookies. I got a new phone that I'm in love with and half of my house is ready for guests. My christmas cards were shipped to me today and hopefully will be mailed out this weekend. Time moves on and you either go with it or watch it go by.

Trying to stay busy

weekends are soooooo long when your missing someone...

Today I started sorting out Lala's clothes and toys. Instead of "doesn't fit" vs. "does fit" back into their marked sizes and age appropriateness. It's been hard to go back into her room, but as it's been nearly two weeks, I figured it was time to start clearing things up. Can't leave the car seat sitting in the living room for the rest of my life.

I also started preparing for the holidays. Apparently my family will be coming here and I need space for the visitors. Plus, I will be doing the SW-clean-house-dance again for the third time. I'm beginning to associate Christmas with social workers.

When I realized that Lala was truly going home, I emailed my foster-care lisence person to find out how I got other SW to think of me when placing a child for potential adoption. The reply was that I needed to submit paperwork to become an adoptive home. Which I thought I was, but it would seem not. The paperwork I had to fill out? Yup. The same stuff I've filled out the previous two times. Luckily, I have it saved in a file on my computer and photo copies of everything. It was just a matter of adjusting and copying. I mailed out the paperwork on Friday - it should arrive on Monday, where I'm sure it will sit on someone's desk for another week or so.

I think I've become jaded and bitter to whole thing.

Seven Random Things

1. My Christmas tree has a really ugly stand. And I'm really tired of staring at it every holiday because there are never any presents around it.
2. I always watch Santa's progress via the NORAD tracking center.
3. I was really crabby this Christmas and refused to let my mother watch "It's a Wonderful Life" because it's not.
4. I think I've seen just about ever episode of House, thanks to the endless tv marathons.
5. I really need to finish painting the living room and the thousand other little jobs I should finish.
6. I may just about be hitting my limit on how much sugar one person an ingest in a month.
7. my life has become very boring... and it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better.

Through Review

Apparently, I am through review. No questions were asked of me, so everything must have passed inspection.

Only five more years to go.

Also, the orphanage fee was raised to $5090 (US)... whoopy.

Grieving

It suddenly dawned on me yesterday that I've been grieving for Lala for that past week... I know it sounds obvious, but for some reason for me it just wasn't.

I left for Thanksgiving and kept myself busy with family and shopping (and purchased gifts for Lala; why? because I just had to), but when the work week started I just kinda fell into a pattern of nothingness. I haven't done the dishes since coming back because no one needs to have their favorite sippy ready; no one cares if the floor is dog hair free; no one needs me to cook dinner... I pretty much get home, read the paper (all three pages) and then fall asleep on the couch.

Sleeping nearly 12 hours a day probably is a bad sign.

The sun is shining today and I'm hoping to get myself out of this funk and back into some sort of routine or at least start caring about things around the house.

20 months

tomorrow...

is the day. I'm dropping Lala off in the morning and she'll be taken to her bio-mom's residence after that. I keep hoping that some last minute miracle will occcur, but I know it won't.

Part of feels that glad for the bio-mom, but mostly it's hard to keep it together. I'm hoping that I won't burst into tears at work...

Treading Water

I made it through the weekend. Painted and started to put down a new kitchen floor. Purposefully kept myself distracted with projects instead of wallowing. I did allow for one pity party and apparently, I will no longer get any joy from bookstores. Or perhaps, I just need to find a better one. Or wait for better books to come out.

By Tuesday, it was hard not to speed to pick Lala up. And yet, when I did it was strange. She really did not feel like "my" baby any more. It was bit like picking up a stranger's baby. Of course, she totally ignored me for the first 10 minutes. No eye contact, no response to my talking to her... obviously she was not happy that I had "abandoned" her. She eventually got over it, but she's been pretty clingy since. And who can really blame her?

It's possible that this is the last week with Lala. It's also possible that next week will be... it's maddening how vague all the wording is even when making a plan. Not even, vague as in "if nothing goes we'll do x"... but more like "so then the following weekend..." which leaves me wondering which following weekend? it is; the one starting on the next day? or one following that?

19 months

and holding...

Today I finally got a call from Lala's case worker about going home. She'll be leaving tomorrow to go on a "weekend visit". That means no little one around for Halloween, which sucks.

Also, it really sucks that I can't be Cleopatra anymore. DeNile will have to become just another river for me. Part of me is seriously wondering why I'm doing this at all... and why I thought I could do this at all? Because every option just leads to more disappointment.

Yes, it's worth when you finally cross the finish line, but I am tired of the marathon.

Going Home

Lala's case worker told me this week that Lala will be going home at the end of the month or beginning of November. Apparently the mom told the new daycare (same system) that it would be Oct. 26th. I don't even get a Halloween.

I'm trying to maintain happy thoughts. Yesterday I purchased a Christmas Carol signing dog that she had seen at a store and loved. There's no point in waiting. I even flirted with the idea of putting the tree up... but in the end decided it would be too hard to take it down after she left.

I'm trying to decided if I need to just have a good cry and get it out or wait until she's gone. I'm also trying to decide if I really want to do this any more. It seems like every road I take has some sort of horredous block. I tried the waiting to get married thing - except I never found anyone to marry (or that I could at least put up with... and don't think I didn't think really long and hard about what I could put up with). I researched every adoption avenue, and thought that China was a good bet, scraped the money together and then watched the wait lengthen to nearly a decade. I went to foster-care gott this baby who is perfect for me and she'll be gone in a matter of days. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something that I won't listen to and until I accept it, I'll just keep getting hurt.

I won't actually stop. I knew that it was a good possibility that Lala would go home. I've known it for months. It's just hard to keep the little flicker of hope lit. And I need to have a little pity party.

And seriously, couldn't I be the person who deals with loss by NOT eating? The not sleeping thing is detrimental to my health and students... and I'm probably going to gain another 10 pounds.

18 Months

Gone by... and still counting.

Lala is growing by leaps and bounds and still NOT walking! At least not by herself. The other day I went to pick her up from a visit with her family- the driver said that she was blowing kisses, a skill that she's had for several months. Then he said that she had been walking too! I have to admit that my heart fell. I really wanted to see her walk first... it's such a big milestone. When we got home, however, I realized that he meant that she was walking while holding a hand or "couch surfing". Or she's just stubborn and won't walk for me because she knows I'll catch her... either way still no pitter-patter little feet without assistance.

The whole thing was a hint of what's to come, I suppose. Currently the plan is that sometime soon Lala will be going home to her family. While that could change, this is the current plan and I have to go with it. Some times I'm ok with it... I know that it's a good thing when kids are reunited with their families. Other times I'm wondering how I'll get through it. A lot of time I really worry about how Lala will be living. It's something that has to taken on faith I guess.

And yes, there are times when the whole process would speed up, so we all can move on.

Projections

Have you SEEN the latest projections? If not, please don't. It's more than depressing.

Good God almighty... I now see the plan. The plan is just to take so long in getting referrals out that either everyone will switch to special needs or just drop out. Seriously, it's the only explanation I can think of...