Moving Along

First, I talked myself out of the new car. I really do not need one and I may need that car payment money sooner than I thought.

This morning was the meeting with Lala's CW. TPR has been filed and has a court date in Nov. Her BM is MIA. No BF was ever identified. This means that the court notices have to be published for several weeks in a newspaper. For this means, I need to get cracking on that adoption homestudy (still haven't had 2nd meeting with AW) and probably find a lawyer. Having never been this far in the process I'm a little unsure as to what I need to do right now. Probably a good question for the AW.

In the meantime, I'm trying to clear out my "sewing"/storage room for the cuddler. Seriously, we are all happier when he has a lot room to run around in and it will start raining in a matter of weeks. One of the joys of this are is rain from October to May. Like, non-stop rain. While finding new homes for all the stuff is a challenge, the floors in that room are going to be even more so. They are wood, but not in good shape. In fact, I think one spot may actually have mildew in the wood... I'm waiting for the ONE wood floor guy in county to call me back about re-doing them. Hopefully, it's something I can actually afford. Prices in this area are kinda steep and since he's the ONLY guy in the entire county who does this, he's probably more than a little pricey. And if it is mildew issue, I can't just carpet over it.

In the meantime, I'll be working on finding more storage in a house that doesn't really have any. I think I'm going to try to create a faux built in the living room to store books and such. Or at least coral all the toys... I'm already wondering how I will be able to handle Christmas toys.

New Car

For our camping trip last weekend, I rented a small SUV. Man... it was so much more roomier than my current compact car. It felt open and breezy. I could fit the new double stroller in the back, and put other stuff there too! In the same back space! The only thing I didn't like about it was that the driver could (and did!) lock the keys in the car. Luckily, the rental company could unlock it remotely, but that's still a problem for me.

I lock myself out of tons of stuff all the time. My house, my classroom, etc. I would be really screwed if my car wasn't configured to make it nearly impossible to lock without keys being in your hand.

Anyhoo, I'm really loving the idea of having this small SUV. Enough that I actually looked it up on Costco and made an appointment to look for one (did you know that you can buy a car via Costco? It apparently knocks several thousands of dollars off the price... they wouldn't tell me how many, but rumor has it that it is a big number in car salesman speak), plus the sales people are desperate for a sale. I've been trying to talk myself out of it for the past three days. As someone who will soon be paying over $500/mo for daycare, it seems like a rather silly move to put myself in debt. Plus, who knows if I'll have a job next year? Please, help me pray for strength to resist. I really want a new car.

The Cuddler

He's still here... even if he's been slightly overshadowed by Lala on the blog. He's a firecracker, that one.

His favorite toy is plastic shape-sorter box. No, he can't put the shapes in, but he does like to carry it around shaking the shapes inside. So far in the past two weeks, he's fallen while dragging it around and hit his chin on it creating a rather nasty looking bruise and another one just above his belly button. Today, he shirt was removed at day care (super hot!) and when I picked him up, we discovered a block shaped bruise on his back. He is such a boy! I'm documenting all the falls, but my poor calendar is getting full.

I can picture him in another five years with permantely scabbed knees, surrounded by random mechanical parts as he tries to put his bike back together. He will, of course, still have that little elvish grin that melts even the hardest heart.

Sick Day

Yesterday, Lala threw up at day care. I picked her up and she seemed a little down, but otherwise fine. We all came home and had naps and then dinner. Lala did not eat, but then again, she hasn't eaten dinner for the last three days (breakfast, lunch and snack are all eaten)... so, was it because she was sick or because she just wasn't hungry?

This morning we dropped the baby off at daycare and took off to the beach. She has never been and I figured it would be something fun to do rather than sitting around the hot house all day. The waves on the beach scared her, but she had no problem in walking through the little streams or pointing out every fragment of sand dollar she saw. We also examined a small jellyfish and the difference between various animal tracks, including our own. It must have been exciting because she fell asleep on the way home. I wish I had taken photos, but I was so excited to show her the beach, I never got it out of the car. Plus, with a child and dog, I didn't really have a free hand. For those who are wondering, dry sand "hurt", but wet sand was just fine.

Change of Seasons

Since this area really only has two seasons... dry and wet, I figure I can set my own change dates. We returned from my family's annual reunion last night. Surprising, the cuddler made pretty good progress for sitting in the car all day. I think it's because Lala was in the back seat with him and could be entertaining when she wanted. Also, I rented a larger vehicle (a CR-V) for the trip, so they weren't so packed in. I'm really thinking about buying a CR-V. It was comfortable, did pretty good on gas milage and had tons of room.

Last week I had a meeting with some of Lala's people and it looked like they were planning on her being here permantly. I told my mother, who immediately got excited and asked why I wasn't... because we all know how this rollercoaster rides, don't we? This morning I heard a rumor that a wrench was thrown into the works. Does this mean a change in plans? Will we all soldier on with the first plan? Once again, I find myself in the unknown. Fun, fun.

Names

I've been thinking about Lala's real name. It's not a name I normally would have chosen... but is sort of a family name. It's definitely not a popular name with this generation (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) and does have somewhat ethnic connotation. Is that a good thing or bad? I'm not sure... names are tough. For the rest of her life, every application, resume and business card will introduce her with that name and all of it's baggage.

Which then leads to the whole thought process about changing a child's name after adoption. Is it the right thing to do? Is the child loosing something important or is a name just a name? If the child was named after a grandfather who was a child abuser/alcholic, is it still an important family tie? What if the name is crazy, like 'Formica' or 'baby boy'? Those are real names!

It's hard to know what is the right thing to do.

Long Weekend

Man, with two children under two (or just passed it), I am exhausted
by the time Sunday night rolls around. To much screaming, crying and
general toy fighting. I have to come up with a new plan or I may just
go insane.

Lala turned two on Friday and celebrated by saying over 400 times that
day. We also had cake with her older sisters. Or at least they did...
I was too bust trying to keep the cuddler from running behind the
counter and into the bread overs. That kid is so goal oriented!

Weekend Recovery

most common phrase spoken this weekend: "Did you poop?"
second most common phrase spoken this weekend: "Get back in the bed."

It was a loooooooonnnnnnnggg weekend. Not that I'm complaining - this is what I signed up for and desperately wanted... I just wanted it without so much poop.

What a difference a day makes...

Slowly getting used to having two kids. Yesterday I saw a woman walking down the street with three kids under five and couldn't understand how any one could sign up for that kind of punishment... yep, getting used to having two.

Lala is sleeping through the night and now has a bed rail to keep from falling out of bed. Yesterday she didn't even start her bedtime screaming until she was actually in the bed - it's a definite improvement sign.

Or it could be that it's finally starting to cool down. Two days of nearly 100 degree heat in a town that almost never goes above 70 has the baby all discontent. Of course, we don't have AC - why bother for the three days a year when it's over 80 degrees - I survived NYC with out one for many summers. Of course, I was an adult in NYC from a relatively hotter climate, not an infant who has only experienced cool weather.

In the meantime, Lala's stay has been extended, as I'm sure many of you knew would happen. It's possible that her stay will be permanent. I'm cautiously optimistic, but given the ups and downs so far, it's hard to get excited.

Tired... very tired.

Lala isn't sleeping through the night. Not that I blame her, but this means that the cuddler isn't either. But we are starting to get a routine in place for going to bed and she didn't fall out of the bed at all (she did twice the first night) - she and cuddler share a bedroom and it's been a bit difficult with her screaming at the top of her lungs when she gets into bed. Which wakes the cuddler up and then they're both screaming... and the cycle begins again at around 2 am. I'm hoping this will lessen soon. I've gotten nothing done for the past two days trying catch up on sleep while the "kids" are in day care.

Yah... they're in two different daycares. Lala is going to one about 20 miles away so that she can see her siblings every day. I didn't realize what a huge time suck it would be when I agreed to it. It's like half my morning gone. Or maybe just my fuzzy lack of sleep logic.

About the baby - I'm not going to get her. I have to assume that she's gone to another family. It's disappointing, but I couldn't say no to Lala. After hearing everything from the foster family she was with for a couple of days and the case worker, it's obvious that having someone who knows her is much, much better for her. Her personality and the things she's experienced, even at the ripe old age of nearly two, make her more than a little confounding.

Busy Day

Well, things have settled down for the next hour or so... Lala will be arriving tonight. Apparently she's been in care since Friday at another foster home, claiming that they couldn't reach me.

Right now, the placement is for two weeks. That's right, two weeks. I can't really go into detail, but lets just say that Lala's parents aren't necessarily bad people, just people who make dumb, dumb choices. And while I want to be there for Lala, I can't help feeling a bit scammed. A two week placement is like walking around the casino and a placement where they tell you "it WILL likely be a termination" is placing an actual bet.

I'm also a bit worried about Lala. There are some things that the current foster mom told that while not suprising, seemed to have escalated. I realize that we will never truly know how psychological trauma and neglect will affect a child or for how long, but I have to wonder if she was doing great 8 months ago while in my care and now not so much even though "everyone is doing great!" what the heck is really going on when there is no one watching.

Holy Crap!

So, I just posted just 30 minutes ago and things may have changed again!

Apparently, Lala is coming back into care and they want to place her back with me. Conference call at 3pm to get more information. I am so confused!

Seriously, anyone reading this - if you had a child who was returned home and then placed back with after 8 months, please leave me any advice you can think of... like, will she remember me? Will she be angry with me? Will she just be angry? (duh...) What should I do with her to make sure she feels comfortable? Should I still get a crib? She'll be two next month, when do you switch to toddler beds? How big will she be? Will she get along with the baby? She is the baby of her family... now she'll be the oldest.

I am heartbroken that she is coming back into care. I mean, I love her with all my heart and will be thrilled to see her, but not at this cost.

Ok, now I really do need to clean the house because I can't thinking and walking around trying to figure out what needs to be done first.

OMG! OMG!

Could this be it?

I just got a call from the placement co-ordinator asking if I was interested in having a newborn infant placed with me... one that will probably be going to termination (this is the ONLY time anyone has EVER said this me!) and, in fact, the adoption worker had suggested my name as a placement option.

I am quitely freaking out.

The infant is currently in the hospital, possibly in the PICU... but the PC didn't call it that and really, he was talking too fast for me to get all the information written down. There will be a meeting with the CW to go over all the information, hopefully before the placement? OMG... I really know nothing about this child! (this would be the freaking out part!)

Can I handle what is going on with this child? This totally changes my plans for the next year for work - as in, there is no way I can do National Boards. Luckily, something has kept me from filling out all the paperwork and paying for anything. I wonder if I can get a refund on the money I've spent for co-hort class, even though it started already? Will I be able to get back into the pro-cert program? I have to do something in order to keep my job... and option two is waaaaayyyy easier.

Where am I going to fit another crib? Where am I going to get another crib? Shit, I have to buy another car seat? I wonder the Cuddler can move into the other car seat I have? I think he's still too little... ok, just checked and he's just made it past the cut off (or past it depending on who is doing the weighing). Can I do too babies? What about the dog? She is not going to be happy. I should probably clean up the living room (or giant toy box as it should be known). What if the baby needs a hermetically sealed house? Seriously, I am not that clean. What if the baby has to be fed through a ng tube or something every two hours? Where does one even find day care for such a child? Should I take materity leave? I have like a month of sick time built up... I wonder if I can use it? I may have an excuse to buy that minivan now!

There are about a million things running through my head at the moment and I can NOT reach my mother by phone! She is my medical encyclopedia and I can't even figure out which unit the baby is in because the PC doesn't use the same terminology as they do on TV.

Good and Bad Days

We all have them... some days it's enough just to see the cuddler's sweet smile and that way he puts his hand under his chin and tilts his head when looking at you and nothing else matters. My gosh it's so cute, it's overwhelming. Then there are days when you realize that this may be the last time you see that look, because he doesn't do it all the time and one day he could be gone. I hate those days.

After the meeting with the CW last week, I was having one of those bad days. I know there is no comparison between placements, but I kept comparing the Cuddler to Lala. Where she was this time last year and where will the cuddler be coming November... should I start saving up for Christmas presents? Lala's are still sitting in the storage room from last year... I guess I'll donate them this year. Or if the Cuddler is still here, maybe he can "give" them away to someone else.

I tell myself that I have to just go with the flow and not try to figure out what's going happen next... that it's an exercise in futility and saddness, but I'm here I am, still keeping one foot in reality and the other in fantasy.

secrets of the clothesline

I've written about the joys of my clothesline before... how green it is, how it saves me tons of money (seriously at least $20/mo.), yadda, yadda. I didn't, however, really know how to work it... I mean, it's a clothesline right? Pin the clothes to the line and let the wind do the work. How hard is that? Except the underwear question. No one wants their underwear hanging out for everyone to spy.

I know you are thinking, lord-luv-a-duck, could you not figure it out on your own? And I couldn't. It wasn't until I attended an OSPI conference session led by an Australian using the book The Terrible Underpants (which is hysterical, by the way). While an amusing story, the speaker also described how in Australia, where everyone uses a clothesline, the underwear are hung in the center of the Outdoor Clothes Dryer while the sheets or large towels are hung on the outer line so that all undergarments are hidden from street view.

Never even occurred to me before.

Birthday Party

The birthday party was quite a success! It rained, so BBQ was out, but the food was still good - at least, there was none left over... so it must have been good.

Although the guests got a lovely chocolate cake with custard filling, the cuddler got plain old pound cake. I did make it look like his own bathtub duckie, which was recieved with a smile. It turned out pretty good looking if I do say so myself. Maybe I should try to become a cake carver?

I wish I could post the "after" photos, because someone was covered with yellow frosting.

The big present... a fire truckwith a small motor. If the cuddler ever figures out how to actually push the button to drive it, I may have a heart attack. I'm thinking that when the battery runs down, I might just leave it run down. This, however, will mean that I have to push the darned thing around the yard.

Homestudy Meeting #1

Was finally done! I'm amazed!

It was much more in depth than my homestudy for China and a bit more personal... I was a little unprepared for that, but it's done.

Hopefully, number 2 will be done before the end of the month.

Homestudy

I was going to post this evening all about my first homestudy meeting - the one I've been waiting and waiting for - and, of course, something came up and it was canceled. Of course it was.

I'm working very hard not to become jaded about this... and to be honest, I just had to shake my head and laugh this morning when the appointment was canceled. Because it was just too good to be true.

Maybe I'm being tested for some upcoming challenge that will drive a normal person crazy?

Summertime and we're so full of energy!

Well, at least one of us is...

The last few weeks of school, I was knocked out by some kind of weird illness. I had to give up coffee, anything with sugar or aspartame and eat every 3 hours to stave off waves of nausea. Every one kept asking me if I was pregnant. I told them that sperm does not live that long and I had no visits from angels.

I also started getting these hiddeously painful headaches. Actually it was one headache that seemed to last for almost three weeks. Through process of elimination, I've decided that my neck is somehow causing the problem. I couldn't get an appointment for the chiropractor until the coming week, so I've been spending a lot of time laying on the floor to help with the pressue.

Of course, none of this has affected the cuddler at all. He's practicing his walking all over the place and luckily getting much better so no large bruises. He's also spending quite a bit of time outside - he still doesn't like grass, but sitting on a blanket is quite entertaining for him. His mother seems to be getting it together, so I'm trying to prepare myself for him to going home soon. It seems like I'm stuck going no where with this whole adoption thing and I'm really starting to consider just giving up. I can't make it happen and every where I turn it just another road-block and delay.

Summer Time

Last night someone had his first taste of strawberry ice cream! Apparently, it was a hit because there was a lot of lip smacking and whining when it was all gone. I'll have to remember that because a first birthday party is coming up soon!

 

Sadly, that's something I never got to experience with Lala. All thin liquids (including popsicles and ice cream) were strictly forbidden because the aspiration issues. As far as I know, she still hasn't outgrown it. She did like chocolate cake though... :)