Didja ever...

have one of those days where you just wanted to run away?

I'm beginning to think that I really made a mistake in taking on the dance coaching job - it's so frustrating and seemingly endless. Today another two girls quit. One of them was a captain. In talking with her, she didn't think she was respected enough and didn't like choreographing all the time. I thought she was respected, but in her mind, apparently not. I also think that other quitter had something to do with these complaints, but it's bygones now.

I believe of the original 18 from last spring's try-outs that leaves 5? We picked up another 5, this fall.. but still... feel like I want to quit. I'm definitely over this at the end of the year. And never again, I can tell you that.

Still Here and still waiting...

I got a letter from the foster lisence-or. My fingerprints were rejected again. I need to find a new fingerprint person, because apparently the local one is not good. That certainly explains our crime rate and lack of enforcement... just what I want to rush around doing for a third time.

In the meantime, can I tell you how many people I know who are currently pregnant? I beginning to be afraid of opening text messages from friends, because I know another baby present will in the future. Frustrating isn't it? I'm happy for them, but horribly jealous with no outlet for it.

I may be crazy...

I did something complete crazy last night - I dunno if it will work out in the final outcome, which is why I'm not really sure if I should say anything at all. At the same time, something has to keep my mind off of this CCAA waiting so why not go for it? Life was meant for risks - sometimes it turns out good, sometimes not. I'm beginning believe, however, that it's the risk that is most important.

A Bright Surprise!

It's been a really stressful month with work - tons of work and coaching. Last weekend, I spent the entire time in a coaches conference. It was really energizing, but the reality is not so much. Luckily, I have an awesome assistant coach. Among all this stress, however, a box arrived!

I got the note about the box after the post office closed, so I had to wait 'til the next day. Inside was an outfit from The Children's Place (a shop I like, but can't purchase anything because it doesn't conform to the "rule"), a panda bear figurine holding a ladybug and ladybug ball (there's actually a hard rubber ball as the main body part...) I had to test it at school, since I knew Keavy would attack it. All balls are her possessions.

I've already purchased my secret pal gift to send out - just have to get it to the post office. I have to say that shopping for someone else is a little more fun that shopping for me. I know someone is going to open it up and enjoy it now. I'm still wondering if everything I've already purchased will be hopelessly out of date by the time anything is received from China. I've already been thinking about shipping it all a cousin who just found out she's pregnant. I could get it all back before my referral is expected and she'd get good use out of it.

Six month LID anniversary - does it even mean anything? I'm beginning to wonder if I should start counting seasons or years instead. Or maybe I'm just feeling like Weeping Wilma today. Some days it's a tough row to hoe.

School has been busy, but coaching has taken a lot out of me. Although I knew it would take time out of my schedule, I just didn't expect it to be so stressful. Mostly because every time I'm feeling like we're getting somewhere, another shoe drops. Of the 18 who were on the team last spring, I've now got 8 left. 2 quit before the first practice, 2 moved over the summer, 2 quit for another sport, 1 had a hissy fit and hasn't spoken to anyone in over a month, another thought her time would be better spent doing homework since she wasn't getting front positioning (lack of talent or inability to attend practices, notwithstanding), one couldn't handle the stress and I can't even remember the last one. I added 5 more this week and one hasn't bothered to show up for practice yet.

The team is all I think about - I fall asleep trying to think of ways to pull the team together and wake up thinking about dance routines. I'm trying to be more organized, but I think the vote is still out on that one. To be brutally honest, if I'd know it was going to be this stressful, I would never have applied for the job.

It's hard to keep a happy face on knowing that I'm failing at this every day. It's like a slow death - sucking what little joy there is out of my life. When you add in the knowledge that I'll be spending yet another holiday season hanging one more "waiting" ornament on the tree - well, it just sucks. If anyone knows an antidote, please let me know.

Ok, something to post.

The Nursery - nearly done.

(sorry about the photo quality... really the crib isn't bent like that)

I got a lot done this summer.

The closet - it's actually the lenght of the wall with a small space between. I decided to put in a narrow set of shelves there for smaller things. It's a CD/DVD rack from Ikea. I painted it Melon to add a bit of color to the room - with all the lilac, it's a bit cool. The Melon gives it a bit of pizzaz. Below are close-ups of the shelves. The tippy-top holds a little bird house!

"Koral Fisk" Laundry basket

("fisk" is swedish for "fish" - guess where I bought this?)

The only thing that is really left is some shelving to put up in the closet... otherwise it's just blankets, toys, clothes and books. I've not really been buying anything lately because I just don't know what's going to happen. Should I just buy things to dust for the next four years? Will the foster licensor ever finish the background check and approve me? Will a child ever be placed with me? How old exactly? So, really I'm back to "if it's a fantastic bargin."
Speaking of which ->
$2!!! Solid wood, a bit dusty, but in fantastic shape.

Helloooo......

I feel kinda bad that I've got nothing to write lately - my job keeps me busy and it seems like I've always got 10 people to call before the day ends... but it all seems a tad boring to write about. The most exciting thing that happened this week is that I discovered I may have a problem in giving vocabulary tests because I've got tables in my room now, instead of desks. I don't know really, since I haven't actually graded said tests... but the possibility is there. Should I, instead just march everyone down to the student center and sit them two at a table? This isn't really an option for my largest class, since there aren't that many tables down there. And, is it feasible on a weekly basis?

For my first real day off in three weeks (no one to entertain, watch over or work stuff), I took the dog to the beach for a short walk and tried to look at some garage sales. Mostly they were junky and crowded. I did pick up a boggle game for 50 cents. Wooot!

Referrals

Up to Nov. 25 - for those keeping track, that's 4 whopping days.

Sometimes I feel that this blog has become so negative, that even I don't want to visit it... and I'm not sure how to make it more positive. It is hard to remember the positives while this never ending wait drags on... but here are some I thought of today!

My father finished insulating the attic. Hopefully, I'll be able to be warmer this winter and keep some of the eletrict bills within a lower range. Whenever my daughter gets here, I know she'll appreciate being warm and cozy during the long winter rains. My tomatoes are starting to ripen. I'm sure to have a bumper crop this year! Good thing I love tomatoes! Lastly, the breadmaker my grandmother gave me works like a charm and I now have fresh bread whenever I want it!

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I got a phone call saying that a single's spot had open for me. A year ago today, I thought I would be rushing around trying to gather money for the trip. A year ago today, so many things were different...

This past week has been stupendously busy. Coaching and preparing the upcoming school year has made for some very long days. I'm worried that I've taken on too much and won't be able to handle having a baby... I know I can quit and with a long wait ahead of me for China I should just sit back and relax about it. However, there's that pesky foster/adoption application sitting on someone's desk. My fingerprints were rejected and I had to send new ones in last week. Since then I've been so ambivalent about the whole thing, I'm tempted to call it off.

Then again, there are no guarantees on anything. Would calling it off put me in a bad light? Will I just get into another long line? Why couldn't I just have been a high school slut and had a baby at 16?

Five months... I'm still officially on the slow boat the China. Sometimes it feels as though it should be many more months that just five, other times it doesn't feel like a lot of time has passed. I do have to say that I'm getting more comfortable with the wait, like I'm settling in.

Of course, it could also be that I just have a lot going right now and no time to really ponder the wait. I'm back to school today for teacher development. I've been working non-stop since returning home from my summer travels... insulated the attic, getting ready for school and getting the Dance team ready for our first performance. It's a bit like being the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland!

Back from Vacation

I'm back from vacation - I turned another year older, lost my wallet for a few hours and discovered that I had a water leak while I was gone. Mostly, it was a good trip with stressful interludes. Two family reunions and I got some new genealogy information. I may dive back in to it while I'm waiting.

On the day I left, I got my first secret pal gift. It was a really great gift, but brought up some feelings I wasn't expecting. I just looked at it and thought "gosh... I probably won't be reading this books to a daughter from China... I won't be flying to China to get her...." I don't think I realized how much I had gotten into adopting from China, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure I don't want to wait until 2011.

Today I call the foster lisencesor to make an appointment for the homestudy. Hopefully, I can get my house into shape before she shows up... it's in vacation disaster mode.

I should take more photos...

Most of the nursery is set up. This weekend I did some more garage sale-ing and ended up buying more clothing for a cousin than myself. At this point, I really don't know what to purchase... and while I love shopping, I just can't resign myself to purchasing things I won't use. I did find a sale with all sorts of extras - I'm now set with hooded towels and washclothes, and actually have some toys. I still need to install shelving, but I need to stop purchasing baskets to hold things. I think nine is plenty!

On waiting game, well... nothing is happening. I know that all of my references haven't been sent in at this point and I'm heading out on vacation on Saturday. I was told not to call until after then anyways. Plus, I could really use the extra time. It's funny how priorities change when the possible turns towards the probably imminent.

I've started planning for the upcoming school year. Practices for Dance Team will start when I get back from vacation. Hopefully, I'll be able to set the schedule for Honour Society then as well. I'm giving up the Department Head job - if someone will take it... It's only 2 meetings a month, but it's something I can give up without much fuss. I'd like to dump Honour Society, an unpaid, thankless job, but I doubt anyone will pick it up. Plus, I'm going to leadership camp for it in two weeks. It makes feel very guilty to do that and then drop the job.

Either way, life is just moving along. Tomorrow is my 38th birthday. It's hard to believe that 20 years ago, I thought my life was just starting. Now, it's starting again.

Oh, yeah. My siatica (?) issue is much better. I can actually get out of bed in less than 60 seconds... practically a record.

Four

Four months down, 32 to go? Rumors are floating about referrals for the coming month. I wonder how many days there really will be in this batch? One week's worth? Two?

This day also brings a thought that not many of us want to think about... what happens if...? At some point in time, I injured myself. Perhaps my siatica nerve? Pulled butt muscle? It went away last Sunday thanks to my uncle's couch. However, not knowing what caused it, I immediately reinjured it. For the past few days I've been limping around wondering what the heck to do. I've tried sleeping on the floor, taking massive amounts of drugs... nothing works. In fact, I think it's getting worse. I'm afraid to lay down. When I do, it's takes about 10 minutes to go from the bed to the bathroom, crying most of the way. Every movement of my right leg causes pain to run through my entire body. However, once I'm in the vertical position I get progressively better. Unfortunately, the process starts again the minute I go to bed (note, not actually sleeping since I move while sleeping and every movement wakes me because of the pain).

It started me thinking. What would I do if I had a baby to care for? Never sleep? Try to sleep in one of the camp chairs (the only one I can sit in for more than 10 minutes?). Who would I call in for help? Seriously, who would you call to say "I can't get out bed in the morning, can you help me get to the bathroom and feed the baby? I'll be fine once I've walked around the room three times."

References have been mailed

I received a couple of calls in the last two days to let me know that the reference requests were in the mail. Rather quick considering I just turned in the application at the end of last week and I was told that 10 other families were in line ahead of me. Does this mean I could have a little one for Christmas? Thanksgiving? Halloween? Do I even hope?

I'm working again on my 100 good wishes quilt. Since I'm doing a lot of hand sewing it, it's taking quite some time, but it's fun to do at night while watching TV. I have done some machine sewing as well, and I'm moving towards it more and more... if I want to get it done anytime this year. I also have another simpler one to get started and finished. The 2nd one is just two yards of flannel, back to back... extremely simple and no ironing.

If your thinking about making a quilt, the key to making everything turn out right is ironing. Every single seam or it won't fit right. To say that complicated patterns require a lot of ironing is an understatement and this is why serious quilters have a room with ironing board set up all the time.

Another Wait

I turned in the paperwork to become a foster parent. The intake person was very pleased that everything was completed and placed into one packet... almost like I've done this before.

After everything was checked off, I left. She "call me when you are back from vacation, if I haven't called you before" and that was it. My vacation is exactly one month away, so I guess I'm beginning another wait. At least this one will come with informational intervals (calls regarding the references) and it's only a month. Then it's off on another adventure.

I bought it!

I bought a crib. It's set up and sitting in the corner of the room. Waiting.

It's very strange how uncomfortable you can feel in the baby section of a store. I mean, it's not a present, I'm not pregnant... what the heck am I doing here? I imagine is a somewhat similar feeling as those who are waiting for a organ transplant. I am literally hoping for a catastrophic event to happen to a child so that he/she becomes available for adoption and can become my child. It's a bit twisted... I realize that nothing I've done will influence this event, but none the less it has to happen in order for me to obtain my dream. Of course, who wants to think like that??? It's a little disconcerting when shopping with a bunch of women who are obviously pregnant.

Next on the list is the car seat and booster seat. And hooded towels.... in going over the inventory of what I've already purchased, I have no towels or "light weight blankets." It must be because they're never on sale for under $2 or found in a garage sales.

Apparently, I haven't been shopping enough.

Yesterday, I attended a first aid/cpr class - needed for coaching and for foster-parenting. It ended early, so I headed over to Macy's to pick up a weeding gift (it still feels weird to say "Macy's" on this side of the country... it's always been a NYC thing to me). Apparently it's been quite some time since I shopped on a Saturday at the Mall, because I could not find a parking spot! It was like Christmas in July! And the place was packed - not fun. I had planned on hitting Ikea, since I was in the big city... but after that stop, I decided that it just wasn't worth it. If Macy's was a mad house, Ikea would be the third level of hell.

Why Ikea? I had orignally planned on purchaing a crib there. The Hensvik to be exact. I've looked at cribs at every other store and not been able to purchase any of them. I've looked online. Garage sales. Craig's List. You name it, I've been there. And haven't purchased anything. The anxiety this idea of purchasing a crib is quite interesting. I can't seem to commit to getting the box and heading to the checkout counter. It makes it all a little too real - and all my worries about finances and time come into play. More of will I have enough time questioning. I'm teaching (AP is a huge time suck)... but I can do the grading at home. I'm coaching... but I have lined up extra babysitters, an assistant coach and baby can come to practices. But I don't always do so well with extra stress and I'm not sure I can handle it. It's just this huge unknown that I can't fully prepare for... and that freaks me out the most.

Beginnings...

The beginnings of the nursery...

3 Down, 33 To Go?

Three months down. Hopefully only 33 to go.

I finished painting the nursery and repainting the vanity/changing table. Now on to working on the quilt.

The foster-to-adopt is still on hold. Right now, there is too much going on in my life and I can't make a good choice right now. I'm working on reducing my anxiety about this whole waiting deal and working on my finances - another source of anxiety.

Easy Paperwork

I'm nearly done with the state paperwork for Foster licensing - it's actually much easier than China's. No document certification or Fed Ex. However, I did have to get a shot. There are still a couple of things that I need to take care of, namely finishing the required courses. They will be finished by the end of the month.

Then, it's time to turn in the application. That may be the hardest part. It's like you're heading to Paris, having planned out the entire trip. You're excited about everything that is going happen - you've saved for it, you've researched it, you've seen photos and imagined yourself in them, everything revolved around this trip. Except when you got on the plane, they announced that the flight was going to at least three/four times longer than you thought. Someone announces several times that the flight to Denmark is much shorter, but that's not what you planned for. You think to yourself that you've put so time and effort into going to Paris and didn't want to go to Denmark. You also think that life is passing you by at a rapid rate and Denmark has just as many sights, museums and restaurants, do you really want to sit on the plane until you are literally middle-aged?

How do you decide to go with Plan C, when Plan B hasn't really failed?