20 months

tomorrow...

is the day. I'm dropping Lala off in the morning and she'll be taken to her bio-mom's residence after that. I keep hoping that some last minute miracle will occcur, but I know it won't.

Part of feels that glad for the bio-mom, but mostly it's hard to keep it together. I'm hoping that I won't burst into tears at work...

Treading Water

I made it through the weekend. Painted and started to put down a new kitchen floor. Purposefully kept myself distracted with projects instead of wallowing. I did allow for one pity party and apparently, I will no longer get any joy from bookstores. Or perhaps, I just need to find a better one. Or wait for better books to come out.

By Tuesday, it was hard not to speed to pick Lala up. And yet, when I did it was strange. She really did not feel like "my" baby any more. It was bit like picking up a stranger's baby. Of course, she totally ignored me for the first 10 minutes. No eye contact, no response to my talking to her... obviously she was not happy that I had "abandoned" her. She eventually got over it, but she's been pretty clingy since. And who can really blame her?

It's possible that this is the last week with Lala. It's also possible that next week will be... it's maddening how vague all the wording is even when making a plan. Not even, vague as in "if nothing goes we'll do x"... but more like "so then the following weekend..." which leaves me wondering which following weekend? it is; the one starting on the next day? or one following that?

19 months

and holding...

Today I finally got a call from Lala's case worker about going home. She'll be leaving tomorrow to go on a "weekend visit". That means no little one around for Halloween, which sucks.

Also, it really sucks that I can't be Cleopatra anymore. DeNile will have to become just another river for me. Part of me is seriously wondering why I'm doing this at all... and why I thought I could do this at all? Because every option just leads to more disappointment.

Yes, it's worth when you finally cross the finish line, but I am tired of the marathon.

Going Home

Lala's case worker told me this week that Lala will be going home at the end of the month or beginning of November. Apparently the mom told the new daycare (same system) that it would be Oct. 26th. I don't even get a Halloween.

I'm trying to maintain happy thoughts. Yesterday I purchased a Christmas Carol signing dog that she had seen at a store and loved. There's no point in waiting. I even flirted with the idea of putting the tree up... but in the end decided it would be too hard to take it down after she left.

I'm trying to decided if I need to just have a good cry and get it out or wait until she's gone. I'm also trying to decide if I really want to do this any more. It seems like every road I take has some sort of horredous block. I tried the waiting to get married thing - except I never found anyone to marry (or that I could at least put up with... and don't think I didn't think really long and hard about what I could put up with). I researched every adoption avenue, and thought that China was a good bet, scraped the money together and then watched the wait lengthen to nearly a decade. I went to foster-care gott this baby who is perfect for me and she'll be gone in a matter of days. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something that I won't listen to and until I accept it, I'll just keep getting hurt.

I won't actually stop. I knew that it was a good possibility that Lala would go home. I've known it for months. It's just hard to keep the little flicker of hope lit. And I need to have a little pity party.

And seriously, couldn't I be the person who deals with loss by NOT eating? The not sleeping thing is detrimental to my health and students... and I'm probably going to gain another 10 pounds.

18 Months

Gone by... and still counting.

Lala is growing by leaps and bounds and still NOT walking! At least not by herself. The other day I went to pick her up from a visit with her family- the driver said that she was blowing kisses, a skill that she's had for several months. Then he said that she had been walking too! I have to admit that my heart fell. I really wanted to see her walk first... it's such a big milestone. When we got home, however, I realized that he meant that she was walking while holding a hand or "couch surfing". Or she's just stubborn and won't walk for me because she knows I'll catch her... either way still no pitter-patter little feet without assistance.

The whole thing was a hint of what's to come, I suppose. Currently the plan is that sometime soon Lala will be going home to her family. While that could change, this is the current plan and I have to go with it. Some times I'm ok with it... I know that it's a good thing when kids are reunited with their families. Other times I'm wondering how I'll get through it. A lot of time I really worry about how Lala will be living. It's something that has to taken on faith I guess.

And yes, there are times when the whole process would speed up, so we all can move on.

Projections

Have you SEEN the latest projections? If not, please don't. It's more than depressing.

Good God almighty... I now see the plan. The plan is just to take so long in getting referrals out that either everyone will switch to special needs or just drop out. Seriously, it's the only explanation I can think of...

17 Months

gone by... in the original plan I should be waiting excitedly for my referral. Instead, I'm not even thinking I'll get one for another 3 to 4 years. Oh well. "The oft laid plans of mice and men.." and all that jazz.

In meantime, I've learned how to take a car seat completely appart to wash out vomited milk out of the nooks and crannies. It's taken two days so far and I'm still waiting for the final smell test. Yuck.

Twilight Series

At the beginning of the last school year, my students started telling me about this book they were reading. More than a couple of students. It was a great book they claimed and best of all... it featured good ol' Washington. Forks, WA to be exact - which is just about 20 miles east of the end of the earth. Seriously. My great uncle and aunt lived there for many years. There is nothing out there. Of course, this makes it the perfect setting for the book. Remote and rainy.

The book was, of course, Twilight. Another two books soon followed. The poor librarian had to hide a copy so I could read it. I try to read all the books that several students are raving about. Even kids who don't like to talk about reading, LOVE to talk about books they think are fantastic. And the series is good. There's undying love (which every teenager believes they are either in or have been thwarted at). There's fighting, death and gore. And it rains all the time. I think this fact makes it much more relatedable to my students. It rains all the time here too! The main character doesn't describe herself as beautiful. In fact, she believes she's a doof. Of course, those around her don't. Again, all the insecure girls reading see themselves (and they're all insecure). All the boys would like to think of themselves as something incredibly irresistable but slightly scary - much like the main male character. FWIW, I've seen just as many boys reading this as girls.

The latest book Breaking Dawn. It was released August 2nd. I drove to the nearest bookstore and bought it. Because of the baby it took me two days to read it. They aren't complex stories, literarily speaking. They are entertaining, though. This last book, much like the final Harry Potter, wraps everything up with a couple of twists. I was nearly done with the second section when it dawned on my what one of the biggest twists was going to be. I actually said "no way!" outloud and giggled. If a book makes you talk outloud to yourself, it's good.

Fingerprint Appointment

In two weeks, I'll be heading up to Seattle to get my fingerprints done for my renewal.

I sent a letter to my agency to ask if I should send a copy of the letter to show that I'm in the process of renewing. The reply I got was "CCAA is not requiring a current I-171H at this time". Gee, that's a little different than the response I got 3 months ago when I asked about whether I needed this or not.

Since the check was cashed, I guess the writer felt it acceptable to tell me specific information, rather than vague generalities. And since they were denied Hague status (again), I can't even go the special needs route. Not that I was totally planning too, but I am irked.

Reprieve

Yesterday I got the news that Lala will not be going home in September. Apparently, I misunderstood - and September would be an evaluation time. ohhhhh.... well, that two is out the window. Lala's bio-mom made a choice that could be a minor set-back or turn into a Dr. Phil special episode. The jury is still out. However, this does mean that Halloween is a definite and probably Thanksgiving. It's crazy to me that she made this decision, even if it turns out not to be that big of a deal, because it definitely sets the whole reunification schedule back by months.

I was also asked if I would take one of Lala's older sisters (7). I'm still thinking... it's a scary proposition. The possible behaviors, juggling two kids and a full load of honors courses (teaching)... and the laundry. But at the same time, I feel really guilty in saying no, knowing that Lala only spends a few hours a week with her siblings and doesn't have much interaction with them. It's still a debate.

Mailed

I sent in my free renewal form... now, just waiting for a receipt. And, of course, the renewal.

A little stab of fear

This morning I got a call from the transporation service that carries Lala to her visits with her birth mother. She goes twice a week and usually keeps them - at least Lala goes most of the time. I'm actually not sure how many "mom" makes, since I get no information about what happens at these visits. I know she goes even if "mom" doesn't go because she has siblings that also attend. WA state law requires that children in foster homes who are separated from siblings get at least one visit per week with each other.

Tomorrow Lala will be gone quite a long time because she is going to "mom's" house. That means no supervision at all... I'm afraid that somehow either Lala won't get anything to drink or (more likely) will be given drinks/foods that she can't have. I think it may have already happened - Lala has been coughing and pretty raspy since a couple of weeks ago when she came home with red liquid stains on her dress. Of course, it could just be my over sensitive worry barometer.

This news also makes her going home a little more real. That's just too sad to think about, but I really have to prepare myself for it. The move day has been pushed back by a month, but it's still only two months away.

Busy Month

July started out with a bang - on the 30th, Lala was diagnosed with dysphagia. It means that she has problems swallowing. Thin liquids (water-like) to be exact. This is why she was sick for most of the winter and why she had recently stopped drinking formula. Apparently, she is smarter than everyone else, knew what was wrong and decided to take care of the issue herself since we (myself, doctors, everyone else she came in contact with) didn't seem to be figuring it out. There really isn't a cure... we just have to thicken all of her liquids to thin gel-like substance. The technical term is "honey thick". She seems to be doing ok, but she's got another cold. We have a follow up with her primary care doctor, so we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, summer school started. Yay. Unfortunately, the local juvenille judge heard of the class and is forcing a few kids to go. Always fun to teach the belligerant who rank you the same as Juvie. (yes, they have 20 hours free... but teenage brains don't work like that. In 10 to 15 years, you'll all understand. Pray now.)

I should get my homestudy update on Tuesday and have it mailed out to USCIS that day. I think I finally choose a color for the living room. Got a bid for new counter tops... over $2000 for the labor alone. I think I'll be sticking with the current ones for a little while longer.

Crawling and Hilarity

Lala is definitely crawling around. This has not only opened a new world to her, but has greatly increased her curiosity. The other day she was playing with the folded clothes and somehow got tangled up in my bra. It was hard to not to laugh while she struggled to pull it off. I'm still not sure how she got it on.

She made it through the 4 day absence seemingly ok. Last night I came home (she was dropped off to my mother) and picked her up - she immediately started bawling like she was scared of me. That almost broke my heart. Eventually, she started smiling and playing, although she was very tired.

Today I left to run to the post office and my mom said that after I left, she crawled over to her blankie, wimpered and sucked on the tag. I wonder if she thought I wouldn't be back? Anyhow... no more traveling for me.

I started the process to update my I-171H. I'm hoping the update will be here just after the holiday and I can mail it in. I'm currently at 15 months and holding.

Traveling

Next week I'm off to a conference in the big city of Seattle (actually Bellevue). It's four days long and I can't take Lala with me. Last time I had to go away, I called for respite and looked forward to spending my nights sleeping blissfully. It didn't really work out like that and I missed her a lot.

This time I'm already missing her and I'm not leaving until next week. I'm still trying to get my mother approved, but it looks like Lala will be heading to respite again. I'm worried that she'll be scared to be spending so much time with strangers - I mean, the dog freaks out and misses me like crazy, I can only imagine what Lala will be feeling. After all, she's lived with me for longer than anyone else in her short life. We're going over to the respite house on Sunday to do a meet-n-greet. Lala isn't always so good with strangers. People still always ask me if she talks - "yes, it just a while for her to warm up."

Plus, I'm totally dreading packing all the clothes, diapers, toys, blankies, food and night time CD and taking them over to the respite house.

On the other hand, I'm thinking it might be good for me. It's a big probability that Lala will go home at the end of the summer and I know it's going to be hard. This trip is like a dry run.

ok, I may have miscounted..

Actually, I think the I-171H expires in July... this would be a lot easier if they put an expiration date on the damn thing. I realize that they're not used to multi-year waits, but don't government workers live for that kind of stuff.

Obviously, my previous reaction was such that made me realize that I am a bit more invested in this China thing... so I emailed my agency about updating my homestudy on Wed. They haven't written back. Maybe it's a sign. I just dunno any more.

doing better...

Maybe it was the loverly pressies from my secret pal or the look on Lala's face when I showed her the linking bath toy (caterpillar), but I'm feeling more calm. Or at least the world isn't crashing around me at the moment.

In keeping with my whole "control what you can - let go of what you can't" life philosophy I'm trusting that what is meant to happen will. What I can control is that Lala is loved, safe, clean, well-fed and encouraged to grow healthy and happy. Also, she wears some really cute outfits.

If only it would start heating up to something over 60 degrees. All those cute summer dresses are starting to mold in the closet. Stupid rain.

Bad Day

In looking over my paperwork, I discovered that my I-171 will expire next week. I know I keep saying I wasn't going to renew, but somehow the fact that it's expired for all intents and purposes, comes as a blow. It's done. It's over.

I think it's more of a blow because I've started telling people that Lala will probably be going home at the end of the summer. Maybe sooner, maybe later... but for now the plan is in motion for her to go home. I could tell the people I told at lunch were a bit shocked at my casualness, but I've known for almost a month and somehow convinced myself that "it's ok."

Next week I have to take Lala to respite while I attend a conference in Seattle. This is what is really making it all come to head. I can't think of a week without seeing her. What if she starts to walk? What if she takes off crawling? She's moving, but not very fast or far.

It's just all coming to a head in short space of time.