Four

Four months down, 32 to go? Rumors are floating about referrals for the coming month. I wonder how many days there really will be in this batch? One week's worth? Two?

This day also brings a thought that not many of us want to think about... what happens if...? At some point in time, I injured myself. Perhaps my siatica nerve? Pulled butt muscle? It went away last Sunday thanks to my uncle's couch. However, not knowing what caused it, I immediately reinjured it. For the past few days I've been limping around wondering what the heck to do. I've tried sleeping on the floor, taking massive amounts of drugs... nothing works. In fact, I think it's getting worse. I'm afraid to lay down. When I do, it's takes about 10 minutes to go from the bed to the bathroom, crying most of the way. Every movement of my right leg causes pain to run through my entire body. However, once I'm in the vertical position I get progressively better. Unfortunately, the process starts again the minute I go to bed (note, not actually sleeping since I move while sleeping and every movement wakes me because of the pain).

It started me thinking. What would I do if I had a baby to care for? Never sleep? Try to sleep in one of the camp chairs (the only one I can sit in for more than 10 minutes?). Who would I call in for help? Seriously, who would you call to say "I can't get out bed in the morning, can you help me get to the bathroom and feed the baby? I'll be fine once I've walked around the room three times."

References have been mailed

I received a couple of calls in the last two days to let me know that the reference requests were in the mail. Rather quick considering I just turned in the application at the end of last week and I was told that 10 other families were in line ahead of me. Does this mean I could have a little one for Christmas? Thanksgiving? Halloween? Do I even hope?

I'm working again on my 100 good wishes quilt. Since I'm doing a lot of hand sewing it, it's taking quite some time, but it's fun to do at night while watching TV. I have done some machine sewing as well, and I'm moving towards it more and more... if I want to get it done anytime this year. I also have another simpler one to get started and finished. The 2nd one is just two yards of flannel, back to back... extremely simple and no ironing.

If your thinking about making a quilt, the key to making everything turn out right is ironing. Every single seam or it won't fit right. To say that complicated patterns require a lot of ironing is an understatement and this is why serious quilters have a room with ironing board set up all the time.

Another Wait

I turned in the paperwork to become a foster parent. The intake person was very pleased that everything was completed and placed into one packet... almost like I've done this before.

After everything was checked off, I left. She "call me when you are back from vacation, if I haven't called you before" and that was it. My vacation is exactly one month away, so I guess I'm beginning another wait. At least this one will come with informational intervals (calls regarding the references) and it's only a month. Then it's off on another adventure.

I bought it!

I bought a crib. It's set up and sitting in the corner of the room. Waiting.

It's very strange how uncomfortable you can feel in the baby section of a store. I mean, it's not a present, I'm not pregnant... what the heck am I doing here? I imagine is a somewhat similar feeling as those who are waiting for a organ transplant. I am literally hoping for a catastrophic event to happen to a child so that he/she becomes available for adoption and can become my child. It's a bit twisted... I realize that nothing I've done will influence this event, but none the less it has to happen in order for me to obtain my dream. Of course, who wants to think like that??? It's a little disconcerting when shopping with a bunch of women who are obviously pregnant.

Next on the list is the car seat and booster seat. And hooded towels.... in going over the inventory of what I've already purchased, I have no towels or "light weight blankets." It must be because they're never on sale for under $2 or found in a garage sales.

Apparently, I haven't been shopping enough.

Yesterday, I attended a first aid/cpr class - needed for coaching and for foster-parenting. It ended early, so I headed over to Macy's to pick up a weeding gift (it still feels weird to say "Macy's" on this side of the country... it's always been a NYC thing to me). Apparently it's been quite some time since I shopped on a Saturday at the Mall, because I could not find a parking spot! It was like Christmas in July! And the place was packed - not fun. I had planned on hitting Ikea, since I was in the big city... but after that stop, I decided that it just wasn't worth it. If Macy's was a mad house, Ikea would be the third level of hell.

Why Ikea? I had orignally planned on purchaing a crib there. The Hensvik to be exact. I've looked at cribs at every other store and not been able to purchase any of them. I've looked online. Garage sales. Craig's List. You name it, I've been there. And haven't purchased anything. The anxiety this idea of purchasing a crib is quite interesting. I can't seem to commit to getting the box and heading to the checkout counter. It makes it all a little too real - and all my worries about finances and time come into play. More of will I have enough time questioning. I'm teaching (AP is a huge time suck)... but I can do the grading at home. I'm coaching... but I have lined up extra babysitters, an assistant coach and baby can come to practices. But I don't always do so well with extra stress and I'm not sure I can handle it. It's just this huge unknown that I can't fully prepare for... and that freaks me out the most.

Beginnings...

The beginnings of the nursery...

3 Down, 33 To Go?

Three months down. Hopefully only 33 to go.

I finished painting the nursery and repainting the vanity/changing table. Now on to working on the quilt.

The foster-to-adopt is still on hold. Right now, there is too much going on in my life and I can't make a good choice right now. I'm working on reducing my anxiety about this whole waiting deal and working on my finances - another source of anxiety.

Easy Paperwork

I'm nearly done with the state paperwork for Foster licensing - it's actually much easier than China's. No document certification or Fed Ex. However, I did have to get a shot. There are still a couple of things that I need to take care of, namely finishing the required courses. They will be finished by the end of the month.

Then, it's time to turn in the application. That may be the hardest part. It's like you're heading to Paris, having planned out the entire trip. You're excited about everything that is going happen - you've saved for it, you've researched it, you've seen photos and imagined yourself in them, everything revolved around this trip. Except when you got on the plane, they announced that the flight was going to at least three/four times longer than you thought. Someone announces several times that the flight to Denmark is much shorter, but that's not what you planned for. You think to yourself that you've put so time and effort into going to Paris and didn't want to go to Denmark. You also think that life is passing you by at a rapid rate and Denmark has just as many sights, museums and restaurants, do you really want to sit on the plane until you are literally middle-aged?

How do you decide to go with Plan C, when Plan B hasn't really failed?

It wasn't that bad...

I survived my first round of foster-to-adopt classes - it wasn't as nearly scary as I thought it would be. There were no actual tears, although there was some welling-up. The presenters kept saying "this portion of the course is really heavy, we don't mean it to be a downer, but we do want to present the range of situations..." but really, they had nothing new to say. I've heard it all almost all before (poop in heating ducts aside). Hopefully, by sticking with younger children (those not able to open the heating vents, I'll be ok.

The only part I had a "oh crap" reaction to was the "watch your pets" portion. As in, "your pet may be tortured to death" watch your pets. The thought that I may put my current baby in jepardy is more than a little scary.

Graduation

Last night was graduation for my students - kids that were at one time in my class, including my most memorable class. I'm going to miss seeing them around campus... I'm so excited for them, beginning their journey into the exciting adventure of life. A couple will just be around town, attending the local community college, but most will be like I was - eager to shed the small town for big city excitement.

Thursday, I attended the orientation class for Foster-Adopt with the state. It was surprisingly upbeat. I've heard a lot of stories about how people who want to adopt aren't treated to kindly, given the priority for reunification for SW... but this presenter had nary a negative word. It was also interesting that I'm pretty sure that all but 3 people were there to either foster-adopt or just adopt. Those three were kinship placements. Again, I was surprised by that, given the horror stories I heard. I actually felt a little more positive than I have in the last few months.

Today is the first full class. Again, I've heard that these classes are meant to scare people out of the program. I have to admit the pictures of abuse on Thursday were hard to watch - I hope I'll make it through the day without bursting into tears.

Negativity and Uncertainty

I think that everyone goes into the wait thinking that they can handle it, and why on earth are people complaining?!? Well, now I know. Two months in and I'm already a nut case. It doesn't mean that I'm withdrawing my application or stopping my plans. I'm not... I'm just venting my frustration, cause that's what I am. And to be honest, it's more about the things going on in my life, rather than the wait that are causing it... the wait is just easier to focus on than all the other things going on.

I'm a coach for a team involving teen agers. Since everything sports related is expensive (remember this future sports-star parents), a lot of fundraising is required. However, since I was hired so late, we didn't have a lot of time to fundraise, so we're pretty much tied to one event... one event that is rapidly falling apart and rebuilt again. Hopefully, it will go off successfully, but I'm really tired of teen agers. And I seriously wonder why I get myself into these things - it's stressful because kids are kids and responsibility/committment rank somewhere below homework. I spend a lot of time tracking people down and sending out reminder notes in hopes that something will get done.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep up with my real job, complete college courses and write an extensive year-long syllabus for a class I'm teaching next year. Rumor Queen comes as a welcome distraction, even if it does stress me out.

One more week to go and then it's the slide into the summer.

Month Two

Another month down. Latest rumors say that June referrals will only go to Nov. 7th - these are very early rumors... no one really expected anything this week, but there they are. This means that in the last three months only 14 days have been referred. Yah, I can't really think of anything to say about it... and I guess it doesn't really matter if I did, because I don't believe anymore. It could be worse, I know. To be honest, if my phone hadn't alerted me that it was my LIDaversary, I wouldn't even have remembered. It's just not part of my life anymore.

I wish I could be more positive, but it looks like this is the day for it... today I found out that the show my team has been planning as a fundraiser may be cancelled because a signficant number of participants have bailed. Nice of them to tell me a week before the show. I'm not sure how we'll keep going at this rate. It really pisses me off, because the students have worked so hard to make a go of this and through no fault of their own, it's crumbling apart. Perhaps it's my fault for trying to schedule it in June, but there was really no other options. And I get the joy of telling them tonight.

Where I am

Waiting for June referrals - every month I wait for the referral numbers to come out. I enjoy seeing the baby pictures, but mostly I count, and perform various mathematical calculations and wonder. In looking at my previous posts, my very first post lists what I thought was the timeline for me... two years. But is that what it will really be? Maybe. Maybe not. With this uncertainty, comes a sense of disbelief. Is this really going to happen? Again, the same answer.

I think that, in a way, I had to separate myself from this process. If the wait really is in three years or more, who can do that? There is a reason why pregnancy takes only 9 months... and I don't think that anyone was meant to really be focused on preparing for a child for that long. It doesn't mean that I'm calling my agency to drop out of the program. Mentally, it feels like I have though. Perhaps I've just entered into the acceptance phase completely.

I decided to sign up for a foster/adopt class. Then I realized the dates wouldn't work for me (all day in the midle of the week? who attends this? If foster parents aren't supposed to depend of foster payments for income, wouldn't that indicate that classes should be held during time when people with jobs could attend?), so I cancelled. There's another one a few towns away starting a week later, but I haven't signed up for it. I'm still fairly ambivalent with the process. Part of me thinks it could be the right thing... but another part of me has reservations about the needs of the children and whether I can meet them.

I've also flirted with the idea of attempting to get pregnant. However, I'm a bit over the hill, just as uncertain and could be very expensive. I did discover that there are actual places on the internet where people search or offer sperm donations. You really can find anything on the internet!

So, here I am. Waiting for the June referrals.

New Outfits!

Do you believe in Signs?

Everyone always talks about signs... "this happened, and it was sign," "I saw this picture and it was a sign that my baby was in China," and so on. I'm not really big on signs. Or rather, I'm not really good at interpreting signs. Or making decisions. Which is probably why I'm always wondering if if something is a sign in order to help me make a choice. A choice I'm afraid will be wrong.

Lately, I think I've been getting signs on a particular choice - moving to the foster-adopt route. First there was the phone call. Then there are the co-workers who are doing foster-adopt (giving me an inside scoop on all the horror stories... good sign or bad?). Finally, yesterday two collegues and I had quite the conversation about the number of babies being surrendered/removed from homes in the area and the despotic people gaining foster liscences. Again, is this a good sign or bad a one? Is it a sign at all? Am I just grasping at straws because one month into the wait I've gone crazy? Seriously, I'm obessed with the idea that there might actually be signs, but I'm too stupid-chicken-practical to take notice. Where is Sylvia Brown when I need here?

Referrals are Here!

And they went 6 days!

"The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documentsregistered with our office before March 31, 2006.The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whoseadoption application documents were registered with our office beforeNovember 1, 2005."

I guess this would mean that I'm about a year from the review room. In the meantime, it's amazing how excited people are about these 6 days. Although it's a small group, many had been mentally preparing themselves for for a one or two day batch (including myself). I just hope that people post their referrals. Last time, I believe I saw one referral and it had a very chilling effect. Everyone kept making excuses, saying Oct. 26-27 were huge days (still don't believe it), but almost no referrals were posted... it left me wondering exactly who got those babies? If they were huge days and the normal number of babies, you'd think at least 10 were online in some way.

One Month Anniversary

One month - 35 to go? Speculation seems futile at this time. It's a little like taking a trip on Amtrak. You know that eventually you'll arrive at your destination, but it's unlikely that it will be on the day you are scheduled to and may include other forms of transportation. Amtrak (like China) will do their darndest to get you to the destination, but there are a lot other things to factor in (like, all freight trains have higher priority) and they have to work around them. It's better to just pack your camera, several books, a favorite pillow and lots of snacks so you can enjoy the trip.

Personally, I love riding Amtrak when on vacation. It's a great way to see the country without having to put up crazy drivers, rest stop bathrooms and clogged highways. However, the comparison to adoption for China differs when I factor in the length of the increase in waiting time. Amtrak may always be late, but I'm not going age significantly everytime we go past a station. In the last 5 months, the wait has increased by shocking amounts. Or maybe it hasn't. Maybe I've been holding out false hope that it would level off at some point.

Actually I have come to dred referrals because they always bring news of a longer wait, rather than gaining any ground. There are rumors of referrals being sent out on Monday and all I'm wondering is whether or not this batch will put me into 2011. Because a baby has become unreal at this point. Three years from now, my life will have changed significantly and who can realistically plan for it? I could have a new job, a new career and new place to live. People in my life right now will no longer be here and they'll have been replaced by people I've never even met before. Who knows what the world will be like and if my home will be above the water (global warming and all that). Already I'm planning on having to renew my homestudent and immigration documents three times and there is talk of new adoption requirements coming into force. Those are things I know about it. The unknown is crossing a wide spectrum.

So what does that mean I do? To be honest, nothing. At least in regards to my paperwork. It's sitting on a shelf in China and it's easy enough to just let it sit. In the meantime, life goes on. The garden needs to be planted, work needs to be done and maybe I'll look into other options. Maybe I won't.

Day number... who knows?

Well, it appears that once again as referrals near the wait time has increased once again. At this point what can you say but "Oh well."?

Life goes on. Dance Team try-outs are tomorrow - I'm fairly sure that everyone will make it and that some girls are really, really bad. Still unsure about how to remedy that, but I have the summer to work it out. This weekend, my father helped me put in a new window in the master bedroom. There is light! We also installed a new bench on the deck making it child-safe and comfy. To help combat global warming and a large electricity bill, we put up a clothes line. It may not get much use being just south of the rainforest, but it's a start.

What's going on with you?

topsy-turvy

For the past few days, my agency discussion board has been going crazy. The paltry number of days in the last referral batch has really freaked people out. The "I'm-not-listening-to-"rumours"-about-a-long-wait" bubble has burst... and they're mad as heck! I'm sure it will pass.

In thinking about it, I realize that each batch of referrals brings a new blow to grief. Although many psychologists now refute the stages of grief, one can seem them abounding on groups and boards.

• Denial - the wait won't be more than 12, 18, 24 and now current estimates of 36 months
• Anger - why didn't my agency tell me I would be sitting around for the next 3 years?
• Bargaining - "all those with children should get out of line"; "all in God's time - and I just need to have more faith" and etc.
• Depression - sitting in an empty nursery wondering what to do...
• Acceptance - honestly, I haven't seen any posts on this. I don't know if by nature, adoptive parents are not able to accept anything until they have an actual child or if those who have accepted are just not stressing themselves by joining in conversation.

I have to say that I'm working towards acceptance of a 3 year wait. I just hope that next month doesn't bring another year of waiting.

What to do... what to do...

Lately, I've taken up multiple projects in order to keep myself busy and away from the computer. So far it's really honed my procrastination skills.

I gave in and decided to find something online that doesn't include the words adoption or baby and here it is -> Swelltown

Buy and sell celebrities like stocks - whoo hoo. I've never really been good at these kinds of things, I've decided to devote some effort into it for no other reason than I can watch the mailbox alerts while screwing with it. So far, Heidi Klum has made me two points!