No Joy in Potty Town

Apparently, last night's potty experience was a little more freaky than I thought. Today, Lala did not want to sit on the potty sans clothing. If there was in peeing while sitting on the potty, it went into the diaper. Also, we had yet another "accident".

This is not going to be easy. Actually, I'm pretty ready to pack it in on the whole thing. I wasn't exactly thrilled about starting now - she just seemed to be wanting to do it. Asking to sit on the toilet, etc. I guess, she just never figured on pee actually coming out. Oh well... maybe next month.

We did it!

Today I had my first mammogram. I had prepared myself for a long waiting room wait, as is usual in this town... but I was out of there in there in 30 minutes. So now that's done and I've hit another mark of the aged... later in the afternoon I got a new haircut that apparently makes me look ten years younger.

We also had another first tonight. Lala went peepee in the potty!!! She was a little freaked out about it to be honest. Is she ready? I think I've given up on finding a definitive sign. Suffice to say that she really likes sitting on the potty, wiping and flushing the toilet, so what the heck. If she doesn't really want to do it, she won't. Tonight she sat on the new pink potty for nearly an hour. Apparently, it's very comfortable, especially with mommy sitting next to you reading story after story. Anyways, I was about to give up - actually, I did give up because it was bed time - and was in the bathroom starting the good night routine when Lala suddenly stood up and say "ahhhh!" while peeing. She is still shocked by the construct of peeing. I sat her back down, trying to keep her calm and not get upset by the pool of pee surrounding her. She was really thirsty today and had several cups of water and milk, so when I say pool, I mean pool.

After we got everything cleaned up, I grabbed the camera. I wish I could post the photo of her proud "big girl" smile. Hopefully, tomorrow it will be just as cool to peepee in the potty.

We're into it, I guess...

Tonight I ordered a potty, a doll that wets and pull-ups. If anything, I'm hoping that Lala gets the connection between drinking and peeing or decides that pull-ups are cool, because diapers are NOT.

Yeah, I had to order them from Amazon because I don't actually have time to go to the store. How crazy does your life have to be when you can't find time to go to WalMart?

What she can do now

This morning, while putting Lala into her car seat, it suddenly dawned on me how much she's changed in just the few months she's been with me. It's kind of amazing, when I think about it.

• She now knows many animal names and can tell you what they sound like.
• She definitely knows "ABCD" and will join in at various points if someone is singing the ABC song.
• Knows to say "please" and "thank you"
• Can flush the potty and is not scare of it!
• Can identify body parts in English and French
• Can go down a slide by herself
• Knows the difference between "river", "harbor" and "ocean"
• Knows the difference between "bus" and "camper" (large RV)... yah, we live near a resort area.
• Knows what a hamper is and will put her dirty clothes in it.
• Will attempt to clean up anything she spills by herself.
• Can get undressed by herself.
• learned how to whisper when the baby is asleep
• knows that shoes have a right way and a wrong way - the wrong way feels yucky
• If the baby wanders too far down the hall during church, she will go find him and lead him back.
• Will fold her arms when told it's time for the prayer
• wants to brush her teeth every night

We're still working on vocabulary, coloring and few other things. It still stuns me on somethings she's apparently never heard of - that look of utter confusion. Like "cow" or "chicken" or "prayer" (didn't her bm tell the SW that they went to church twice a week?) And potty training is looming. She loves to flush the toilet. She likes to run around without a diaper on. She'll even sit on the toilet, purely at her own request. But she has yet to actually use the toilet for it's designated purpose. Yesterday we tried on a pair of "big girl panties" (just to see what it felt like) and she hated them. I don't know if it was because they hadn't been washed (fresh out of the package) or if she had to actually pee and decided that they weren't a diaper. Right after that She asked for a diaper to be put on.

I think the whole potty training conundrum on my part stems from a whole behavior conundrum. I spend a significant amount of time trying to figure out what is normal two year old behavior and what is adjustment behavior. We're averaging at least two temper tantrums a night... which is pretty typical for a two year old. One is always because the baby gets a bottle before going to bed, but she has to stop drinking at 6pm. Otherwise her diaper will leak in the middle of night... believe me, I've tried them all. I'm sure from her point of view, the baby is getting something she's not. However, in a regular family situation the siblings just have to get over it. Lala has only been the older sibling not even for two months. I can't get all logical with a two year old, but neither can I convince her that anything that big girls get is better at that moment. So is the tantrum stemming from a recent past where scarcity of food may have been an issue? Or is it due to usual two year old logic that "everything is mine and noone gets anything I don't get first, because it's all mine?" It's all a learning process, isn't it?

Ouchies

Tonight was not Lala's night. Somehow she snagged a cheap picture frame off of a shelf in the living, ran into the cuddler's room, hid under the crib and ripped it apart, injuring her index finger in the process. Then she discover thant mommy will not place an endless supply of band-aids on said injury after you pull it off repeatedly. An hour later she slipped and hit her mouth on the side of the tub. Luckily, the cuddler was nearly in bed, so she did get to sit on mommy's lap for about an hour afterwards, while occassionally holding a bag of frozen peas to her mouth.

Somehow I managed to get through 2008 without a single injury for Lala and now that 2009 is coming to a close she's decided to make up for lost time.

Home Visit and School Visit

Tomorrow is my final home visit for the home study. I'm predicting
that the homestudy report will be done just before my fingerprints to
expire. Hopefully, that means I will not have to do them again! It
will be such a relief to have everything done!

Last night was our school open house. My babysitter crapped out on me
at the last minute, and I could not find another. Every back up
already had plans - two were planning on actually attending said Open
House. So, as any good single mom, I brought them with me. All was
well until the third group of parents. By then Lala was comfortable
and the cuddler had run into his second wind. While I was trying
explain the class requirements to parent, I had a little boy sitting
in a stroller chattering away (or rather "bok-ing" away... he really
does sound like a chicken trying to lay an egg!) and a little girl
rolling on the floor under my feet saying "momma" over and over.
Luckily, the scene reminded all the parents of when their children
were young AND those were happy memories. I know it was certainly
memorable for me!

New Room

Over Labor Day weekend, my family installed a new laminate floor in the spare/storage room. It was completely cleaned out and made ready for a new occupant... the cuddler. It was easier to move the crib than the bed that Lala is in. Plus, if the cuddler goes home, it will be easier to turn that room into a playroom. Does anyone remember when children did not need a "playroom"? Well, I don't know how they did it - because I feel like I'm drowning in a tidal wave of toys! Lala only got a few new ones for her birthday and it's still overwhelming. Anyways, the room was completed and it is awesome to have the space. Now the kids can actually run around without crashing into anything else.

That weekend also meant trying to figure out what to do with the kids. The only safe space for them was a blocked off living room where they tripped over each other and got into hair-pulling fights. Not fun. Instead we went to the zoo, for the entire day. And when we got home, no new floor. Crap. Next day, church for three hours. No new floor. Double crap! Labor Day itself - thankyoujeasus! the children's museum is open! New floor done. I wonder if I can claim the $100 I spent keeping the kids occupied as part of total cost of the floor for tax purposes?

The next day, school started. I fell asleep about 10 minutes after getting the kids in bed every night. On Thursday we were running out of fresh food and I was dreaming of grocery shopping. I knew how exhausting the start of school is for me... but somehow I always think I'll do better.

Saturday we went to the parade for the local festival. Lala was very scared of the motorcycle drill team and I had to teacher how to cover her ears when there is a loud noise, but the kids really liked it. At least, the cuddler sat in his stroller the whole time without screaming to get out... which is a good sign. Luckily, he has experienced candy at my house because the frickin' clowns kept trying to give the cuddler tootsie rolls. Who gives a baby tootsie rolls? Lala won't take anything from a stranger, so all the candy ended up in the diaper bag for mommy to give away at school. Perhaps I should start thinking about plans for Halloween... Lala won't talk in front of strangers, so I'm think that saying "trick or treat" 10 to 15 times might be a bit difficult.

Moving Along

First, I talked myself out of the new car. I really do not need one and I may need that car payment money sooner than I thought.

This morning was the meeting with Lala's CW. TPR has been filed and has a court date in Nov. Her BM is MIA. No BF was ever identified. This means that the court notices have to be published for several weeks in a newspaper. For this means, I need to get cracking on that adoption homestudy (still haven't had 2nd meeting with AW) and probably find a lawyer. Having never been this far in the process I'm a little unsure as to what I need to do right now. Probably a good question for the AW.

In the meantime, I'm trying to clear out my "sewing"/storage room for the cuddler. Seriously, we are all happier when he has a lot room to run around in and it will start raining in a matter of weeks. One of the joys of this are is rain from October to May. Like, non-stop rain. While finding new homes for all the stuff is a challenge, the floors in that room are going to be even more so. They are wood, but not in good shape. In fact, I think one spot may actually have mildew in the wood... I'm waiting for the ONE wood floor guy in county to call me back about re-doing them. Hopefully, it's something I can actually afford. Prices in this area are kinda steep and since he's the ONLY guy in the entire county who does this, he's probably more than a little pricey. And if it is mildew issue, I can't just carpet over it.

In the meantime, I'll be working on finding more storage in a house that doesn't really have any. I think I'm going to try to create a faux built in the living room to store books and such. Or at least coral all the toys... I'm already wondering how I will be able to handle Christmas toys.

New Car

For our camping trip last weekend, I rented a small SUV. Man... it was so much more roomier than my current compact car. It felt open and breezy. I could fit the new double stroller in the back, and put other stuff there too! In the same back space! The only thing I didn't like about it was that the driver could (and did!) lock the keys in the car. Luckily, the rental company could unlock it remotely, but that's still a problem for me.

I lock myself out of tons of stuff all the time. My house, my classroom, etc. I would be really screwed if my car wasn't configured to make it nearly impossible to lock without keys being in your hand.

Anyhoo, I'm really loving the idea of having this small SUV. Enough that I actually looked it up on Costco and made an appointment to look for one (did you know that you can buy a car via Costco? It apparently knocks several thousands of dollars off the price... they wouldn't tell me how many, but rumor has it that it is a big number in car salesman speak), plus the sales people are desperate for a sale. I've been trying to talk myself out of it for the past three days. As someone who will soon be paying over $500/mo for daycare, it seems like a rather silly move to put myself in debt. Plus, who knows if I'll have a job next year? Please, help me pray for strength to resist. I really want a new car.

The Cuddler

He's still here... even if he's been slightly overshadowed by Lala on the blog. He's a firecracker, that one.

His favorite toy is plastic shape-sorter box. No, he can't put the shapes in, but he does like to carry it around shaking the shapes inside. So far in the past two weeks, he's fallen while dragging it around and hit his chin on it creating a rather nasty looking bruise and another one just above his belly button. Today, he shirt was removed at day care (super hot!) and when I picked him up, we discovered a block shaped bruise on his back. He is such a boy! I'm documenting all the falls, but my poor calendar is getting full.

I can picture him in another five years with permantely scabbed knees, surrounded by random mechanical parts as he tries to put his bike back together. He will, of course, still have that little elvish grin that melts even the hardest heart.

Sick Day

Yesterday, Lala threw up at day care. I picked her up and she seemed a little down, but otherwise fine. We all came home and had naps and then dinner. Lala did not eat, but then again, she hasn't eaten dinner for the last three days (breakfast, lunch and snack are all eaten)... so, was it because she was sick or because she just wasn't hungry?

This morning we dropped the baby off at daycare and took off to the beach. She has never been and I figured it would be something fun to do rather than sitting around the hot house all day. The waves on the beach scared her, but she had no problem in walking through the little streams or pointing out every fragment of sand dollar she saw. We also examined a small jellyfish and the difference between various animal tracks, including our own. It must have been exciting because she fell asleep on the way home. I wish I had taken photos, but I was so excited to show her the beach, I never got it out of the car. Plus, with a child and dog, I didn't really have a free hand. For those who are wondering, dry sand "hurt", but wet sand was just fine.

Change of Seasons

Since this area really only has two seasons... dry and wet, I figure I can set my own change dates. We returned from my family's annual reunion last night. Surprising, the cuddler made pretty good progress for sitting in the car all day. I think it's because Lala was in the back seat with him and could be entertaining when she wanted. Also, I rented a larger vehicle (a CR-V) for the trip, so they weren't so packed in. I'm really thinking about buying a CR-V. It was comfortable, did pretty good on gas milage and had tons of room.

Last week I had a meeting with some of Lala's people and it looked like they were planning on her being here permantly. I told my mother, who immediately got excited and asked why I wasn't... because we all know how this rollercoaster rides, don't we? This morning I heard a rumor that a wrench was thrown into the works. Does this mean a change in plans? Will we all soldier on with the first plan? Once again, I find myself in the unknown. Fun, fun.

Names

I've been thinking about Lala's real name. It's not a name I normally would have chosen... but is sort of a family name. It's definitely not a popular name with this generation (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) and does have somewhat ethnic connotation. Is that a good thing or bad? I'm not sure... names are tough. For the rest of her life, every application, resume and business card will introduce her with that name and all of it's baggage.

Which then leads to the whole thought process about changing a child's name after adoption. Is it the right thing to do? Is the child loosing something important or is a name just a name? If the child was named after a grandfather who was a child abuser/alcholic, is it still an important family tie? What if the name is crazy, like 'Formica' or 'baby boy'? Those are real names!

It's hard to know what is the right thing to do.

Long Weekend

Man, with two children under two (or just passed it), I am exhausted
by the time Sunday night rolls around. To much screaming, crying and
general toy fighting. I have to come up with a new plan or I may just
go insane.

Lala turned two on Friday and celebrated by saying over 400 times that
day. We also had cake with her older sisters. Or at least they did...
I was too bust trying to keep the cuddler from running behind the
counter and into the bread overs. That kid is so goal oriented!

Weekend Recovery

most common phrase spoken this weekend: "Did you poop?"
second most common phrase spoken this weekend: "Get back in the bed."

It was a loooooooonnnnnnnggg weekend. Not that I'm complaining - this is what I signed up for and desperately wanted... I just wanted it without so much poop.

What a difference a day makes...

Slowly getting used to having two kids. Yesterday I saw a woman walking down the street with three kids under five and couldn't understand how any one could sign up for that kind of punishment... yep, getting used to having two.

Lala is sleeping through the night and now has a bed rail to keep from falling out of bed. Yesterday she didn't even start her bedtime screaming until she was actually in the bed - it's a definite improvement sign.

Or it could be that it's finally starting to cool down. Two days of nearly 100 degree heat in a town that almost never goes above 70 has the baby all discontent. Of course, we don't have AC - why bother for the three days a year when it's over 80 degrees - I survived NYC with out one for many summers. Of course, I was an adult in NYC from a relatively hotter climate, not an infant who has only experienced cool weather.

In the meantime, Lala's stay has been extended, as I'm sure many of you knew would happen. It's possible that her stay will be permanent. I'm cautiously optimistic, but given the ups and downs so far, it's hard to get excited.

Tired... very tired.

Lala isn't sleeping through the night. Not that I blame her, but this means that the cuddler isn't either. But we are starting to get a routine in place for going to bed and she didn't fall out of the bed at all (she did twice the first night) - she and cuddler share a bedroom and it's been a bit difficult with her screaming at the top of her lungs when she gets into bed. Which wakes the cuddler up and then they're both screaming... and the cycle begins again at around 2 am. I'm hoping this will lessen soon. I've gotten nothing done for the past two days trying catch up on sleep while the "kids" are in day care.

Yah... they're in two different daycares. Lala is going to one about 20 miles away so that she can see her siblings every day. I didn't realize what a huge time suck it would be when I agreed to it. It's like half my morning gone. Or maybe just my fuzzy lack of sleep logic.

About the baby - I'm not going to get her. I have to assume that she's gone to another family. It's disappointing, but I couldn't say no to Lala. After hearing everything from the foster family she was with for a couple of days and the case worker, it's obvious that having someone who knows her is much, much better for her. Her personality and the things she's experienced, even at the ripe old age of nearly two, make her more than a little confounding.

Busy Day

Well, things have settled down for the next hour or so... Lala will be arriving tonight. Apparently she's been in care since Friday at another foster home, claiming that they couldn't reach me.

Right now, the placement is for two weeks. That's right, two weeks. I can't really go into detail, but lets just say that Lala's parents aren't necessarily bad people, just people who make dumb, dumb choices. And while I want to be there for Lala, I can't help feeling a bit scammed. A two week placement is like walking around the casino and a placement where they tell you "it WILL likely be a termination" is placing an actual bet.

I'm also a bit worried about Lala. There are some things that the current foster mom told that while not suprising, seemed to have escalated. I realize that we will never truly know how psychological trauma and neglect will affect a child or for how long, but I have to wonder if she was doing great 8 months ago while in my care and now not so much even though "everyone is doing great!" what the heck is really going on when there is no one watching.

Holy Crap!

So, I just posted just 30 minutes ago and things may have changed again!

Apparently, Lala is coming back into care and they want to place her back with me. Conference call at 3pm to get more information. I am so confused!

Seriously, anyone reading this - if you had a child who was returned home and then placed back with after 8 months, please leave me any advice you can think of... like, will she remember me? Will she be angry with me? Will she just be angry? (duh...) What should I do with her to make sure she feels comfortable? Should I still get a crib? She'll be two next month, when do you switch to toddler beds? How big will she be? Will she get along with the baby? She is the baby of her family... now she'll be the oldest.

I am heartbroken that she is coming back into care. I mean, I love her with all my heart and will be thrilled to see her, but not at this cost.

Ok, now I really do need to clean the house because I can't thinking and walking around trying to figure out what needs to be done first.

OMG! OMG!

Could this be it?

I just got a call from the placement co-ordinator asking if I was interested in having a newborn infant placed with me... one that will probably be going to termination (this is the ONLY time anyone has EVER said this me!) and, in fact, the adoption worker had suggested my name as a placement option.

I am quitely freaking out.

The infant is currently in the hospital, possibly in the PICU... but the PC didn't call it that and really, he was talking too fast for me to get all the information written down. There will be a meeting with the CW to go over all the information, hopefully before the placement? OMG... I really know nothing about this child! (this would be the freaking out part!)

Can I handle what is going on with this child? This totally changes my plans for the next year for work - as in, there is no way I can do National Boards. Luckily, something has kept me from filling out all the paperwork and paying for anything. I wonder if I can get a refund on the money I've spent for co-hort class, even though it started already? Will I be able to get back into the pro-cert program? I have to do something in order to keep my job... and option two is waaaaayyyy easier.

Where am I going to fit another crib? Where am I going to get another crib? Shit, I have to buy another car seat? I wonder the Cuddler can move into the other car seat I have? I think he's still too little... ok, just checked and he's just made it past the cut off (or past it depending on who is doing the weighing). Can I do too babies? What about the dog? She is not going to be happy. I should probably clean up the living room (or giant toy box as it should be known). What if the baby needs a hermetically sealed house? Seriously, I am not that clean. What if the baby has to be fed through a ng tube or something every two hours? Where does one even find day care for such a child? Should I take materity leave? I have like a month of sick time built up... I wonder if I can use it? I may have an excuse to buy that minivan now!

There are about a million things running through my head at the moment and I can NOT reach my mother by phone! She is my medical encyclopedia and I can't even figure out which unit the baby is in because the PC doesn't use the same terminology as they do on TV.