Speed Up and Down

So, there was a rumor that the number of people referred for an adoption from China had increased significantly this month... and now there are several new rumors that that really isn't true. I know that some people are really hoping it is and I'll admit that I went and checked my special savings account this morning and added more money to it... but I'm sorry to say that if I'm on this ride it ain't going to go go fast. I am one of "those" people for whom things just don't go quickly or according to plan. Sorry.

 

Last night I had a quick chat with the placement coordinator for my "area" - and lucky me, if I want to take in teens I can have three right now! Then we talked about high school history classes. Yah. So no news on that front either.

Meanwhile...

I really like elipses. Really, really. Just to let you know...

I decided to leave my "designation" as possible adoptive placement - which is what it was (probably)... I re-read the email several times, and did a lot of soul searching... wrote a bunch of really painful, "pity-party" posts (which you I'll spare you from reading) and it really came down to being honest with myself. I'm still grieving the loss of Lala. And I worry about her all her time. Sometimes I even cry. Some days I curse fate. Some days I curse myself... it's all a process I guess. To me this means that "whatever goes" category, just isn't for me. The alternative end isn't either... since I'm sure to go insane waiting that long.

So, I'm waiting again. And really working to distract myself from looking at the phone. Luckily, there are lots and lots of blogs to read.

p.s. today I found an very interesting looking children's consignment shop. I didn't go in, but I did make a note of it's location for future reference. they had a totally cute little skirt and sweater in the window...

decisions, decisions, decisions

For that last month and half, I've receive no phone calls from the placement office. That seemed strange as the holidays are stressful for everyone and those with bad coping skills would seem to make worse choices... but nada. I emailed my licensor to find out what I was categorized. Apparently, our placement desk does pay attention to such things. I'm currently categorized as only getting calls for pretty much an adoptive placement. Which means never. Especially since I've still heard nothing from the adoption workers and apparently their department was cut by half at the beginning of the year.

I could leave it like that and just wait for an adoption worker to call me, probably sometime in Feb or March. After all, waiting is something I've become pretty good at after three years. Then I would probably have to wait some more and who knows how long that would be. Could be a week, could be another year.

I could change it to another designation. One choice is change it "more than likely would become an adoptive placement". This is a somewhat sketchy category. What appears in the initial intake is not what will be the next month or 6 months down the road. After all Lala was one of those who initially seemed pretty likely, but obviously wasn't as time went on. The other category could be termed "call me, what happens, happens". This might be for the people who truly believe that God has a plan for everything and fate is absolute. Honestly, I have real problems with that theory and it probably isn't the category for me.

However, I also problems with the "more than likely" category. Obviously, it's a not a done deal and will be very painful when the knife cuts the other way. I don't know if I can that again. At the same time, I don't know how much longer I want to sit around waiting for a phone call that seems to never come.

Last Weekend

Just two and half more days left until it's back to school... are you ready? Have you been snowbound so long that your cabin fever has turned in cabin insanity? Me neither.

I'm still attempting to organize my "project room". The biggest stumbling block is my paperwork. Lord have mercy, does it pile up. I need to figure out some way to organize them and a way of discern what is important and what is not. Yesterday I found credit card bills from 1997...

So my goal for this weekend is to figure out what to do with all of these papers and get rid of what is not needed. My other goal for the weekend is to finish quilting a baby quilt that's been held together with gigantic safety pins for the better part of a year.

My real resolution for 2009? Finishing!

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I went to the mall today...

Spent $9 on a new pair of pants and a new skirt (great sale!) and then left. I did not stop at Gymboree, Baby Gap and even my favorite crackhouse store, The Children's Place. They all had 70% off sales. I also did not stop at Cold Stream Creamery, but that's another fight altogether.

Now if I can just get past that damn Sarah McLaughlin ASP commercial without crying.

21 months

another Christmas down.

My Christmas wish this year is that we all have our children with us next year. And use this!

Vacation...

I don't know why I was so looking forward to the holiday break... so far I've read more information about RAD, child abuse and adoption fiascos than I really needed to to be able sleep well at night.

I really need something else to do.

Lazy Sunday

This morning my mother called at 9am, shocked to find that I was barely awake.

"You always get up early" she accused.

Well, I don't really have a reason to get up early, do I? It's been snowing for days now and everything is covered with a thick sheet of ice. Plus the town doesn't actually own a snow plow or any other implements of snow/ice removal (seriously - they don't!). Not that I should talk, I don't actually own a snow shovel myself. And in the spirit of saving money, I'm just going to wait it out, rather than attempt to buy one. So, no place to go and nothing to do... why not sleep in?

No news...

I emailed Lala's case worker to pass along my cell phone number so that I could drop off a Christmas present, but so far I've received no reply or phone call. I'm still trying to decide if that is a good thing or not. I'm pretty sure that I'll burst into tears at saying goodbye to her again, especially since I'm nearly crying just thinking about it. At the same time, I really want to see her again...

I know this blog has become somewhat of a downer, but really it's become somewhat of a shout-out to an unfair universe. Hopefully, it will be all sunshine and smiles again soon.

Making Choices

Sara Solitaire wrote a post recently about attending a pre-adoption seminar. Basically, they scared the crap out of her and heartily discouraged her from even thinking she could adopt a baby.

I hate that. Not that I think everything should be roses and sunshine in these types of adoption seminars; just the continued portrayal of adoption as this easy thing that could be done by anyone, if only we would all stop being such selfish, lazy people. Hell, last night I watched a Christmas movie in which two young children (Santa believer age) ran away from their evil SW and somehow hooked up with a kind-hearted con man. The kids, seemed to have few issues, despite the loss of their parents, having lived in three different foster homes in less than a year and having lived on the streets for a week. At the end of movie, the con man was able adopt the children (and inherited 20 million). Before you say "oh, no one believes those movies", our local CPS office is advertising for adoptive parents in the local newspaper by printing a fake letter to Santa supposedly written by a child waiting to be adopted. How many people will show up for an information night to get the same experience as "Sara"?

Lure them in with cuteness and society belief that SW are tossing children into cars of people who drive too close - then hit them with the "we only have teenagers and kids with problems, so if you're here to adopt a baby, be ashamed of yourself. We need to you adopt these kids, even if it's not right for you."

I'm really glad that "Sara" has been posting about her journey, because it has made me take a closer look at what I'm doing and how I'm handling it. I have to believe that somewhere there is a child for me and the journey to get there is just going to make it even more precious. It's also making me realize that I have to accept the fact that this journey will be fraught with periods of pain and hopelessness as well as joy and peace. It's obviously my fate to have a long one, anyways.

Phone Calls

You know, the one good thing about China is there is a somewhat predicatable wait line. There's no point in wondering if I'll get a call today because it's unlikely to happen for a few more years.

 

In working with the state, it's a total gamble. Every morning I have no idea what number is going to up. This means that every time the phone rings, it could possible be the placement coordinator calling me to place a child. It could the local car dealer desperate to sell me a car. It could some poor Indian woman telemarketing... answering the phone is like pulling the lever on the slot machine. Most of the time it's car dealer or telemarketer, but I keep pulling because eventually a row of sevens is going to come up.

 

The placement coordinator called my cell phone during class this morning. I saw the phone number come up as a local number... but in order to play fair to my students I hit the ignore button. See what a good teacher I am? Also, if it was the placement coordinator, he/she would move to the next number listed for me. My desk phone. Which I am allowed to answer during class.

 

Three seconds later, it rang. My heart started to flutter... and he/she was calling to confirm that I don't have any placements currently. Not that there are any kids available or coming in or "it looks like...", just a status check.

 

oh, well, tomorrow is a pull of the lever.

Paperwork Recieved

One positive thing about working with my local county. It only took a simple email to find out if my paperwork was received - no packages, no hints from people "in the know"... just an email.

Of course, all I got was confirmation that it was received. What happens now is anyone's guess.

Meanwhile, I made my first batch of christmas cookies. Tomorrow is the staff xmas party and I'm taking homemade wine and cookies. I got a new phone that I'm in love with and half of my house is ready for guests. My christmas cards were shipped to me today and hopefully will be mailed out this weekend. Time moves on and you either go with it or watch it go by.

Trying to stay busy

weekends are soooooo long when your missing someone...

Today I started sorting out Lala's clothes and toys. Instead of "doesn't fit" vs. "does fit" back into their marked sizes and age appropriateness. It's been hard to go back into her room, but as it's been nearly two weeks, I figured it was time to start clearing things up. Can't leave the car seat sitting in the living room for the rest of my life.

I also started preparing for the holidays. Apparently my family will be coming here and I need space for the visitors. Plus, I will be doing the SW-clean-house-dance again for the third time. I'm beginning to associate Christmas with social workers.

When I realized that Lala was truly going home, I emailed my foster-care lisence person to find out how I got other SW to think of me when placing a child for potential adoption. The reply was that I needed to submit paperwork to become an adoptive home. Which I thought I was, but it would seem not. The paperwork I had to fill out? Yup. The same stuff I've filled out the previous two times. Luckily, I have it saved in a file on my computer and photo copies of everything. It was just a matter of adjusting and copying. I mailed out the paperwork on Friday - it should arrive on Monday, where I'm sure it will sit on someone's desk for another week or so.

I think I've become jaded and bitter to whole thing.

Seven Random Things

1. My Christmas tree has a really ugly stand. And I'm really tired of staring at it every holiday because there are never any presents around it.
2. I always watch Santa's progress via the NORAD tracking center.
3. I was really crabby this Christmas and refused to let my mother watch "It's a Wonderful Life" because it's not.
4. I think I've seen just about ever episode of House, thanks to the endless tv marathons.
5. I really need to finish painting the living room and the thousand other little jobs I should finish.
6. I may just about be hitting my limit on how much sugar one person an ingest in a month.
7. my life has become very boring... and it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better.

Through Review

Apparently, I am through review. No questions were asked of me, so everything must have passed inspection.

Only five more years to go.

Also, the orphanage fee was raised to $5090 (US)... whoopy.

Grieving

It suddenly dawned on me yesterday that I've been grieving for Lala for that past week... I know it sounds obvious, but for some reason for me it just wasn't.

I left for Thanksgiving and kept myself busy with family and shopping (and purchased gifts for Lala; why? because I just had to), but when the work week started I just kinda fell into a pattern of nothingness. I haven't done the dishes since coming back because no one needs to have their favorite sippy ready; no one cares if the floor is dog hair free; no one needs me to cook dinner... I pretty much get home, read the paper (all three pages) and then fall asleep on the couch.

Sleeping nearly 12 hours a day probably is a bad sign.

The sun is shining today and I'm hoping to get myself out of this funk and back into some sort of routine or at least start caring about things around the house.

20 months

tomorrow...

is the day. I'm dropping Lala off in the morning and she'll be taken to her bio-mom's residence after that. I keep hoping that some last minute miracle will occcur, but I know it won't.

Part of feels that glad for the bio-mom, but mostly it's hard to keep it together. I'm hoping that I won't burst into tears at work...

Treading Water

I made it through the weekend. Painted and started to put down a new kitchen floor. Purposefully kept myself distracted with projects instead of wallowing. I did allow for one pity party and apparently, I will no longer get any joy from bookstores. Or perhaps, I just need to find a better one. Or wait for better books to come out.

By Tuesday, it was hard not to speed to pick Lala up. And yet, when I did it was strange. She really did not feel like "my" baby any more. It was bit like picking up a stranger's baby. Of course, she totally ignored me for the first 10 minutes. No eye contact, no response to my talking to her... obviously she was not happy that I had "abandoned" her. She eventually got over it, but she's been pretty clingy since. And who can really blame her?

It's possible that this is the last week with Lala. It's also possible that next week will be... it's maddening how vague all the wording is even when making a plan. Not even, vague as in "if nothing goes we'll do x"... but more like "so then the following weekend..." which leaves me wondering which following weekend? it is; the one starting on the next day? or one following that?

19 months

and holding...

Today I finally got a call from Lala's case worker about going home. She'll be leaving tomorrow to go on a "weekend visit". That means no little one around for Halloween, which sucks.

Also, it really sucks that I can't be Cleopatra anymore. DeNile will have to become just another river for me. Part of me is seriously wondering why I'm doing this at all... and why I thought I could do this at all? Because every option just leads to more disappointment.

Yes, it's worth when you finally cross the finish line, but I am tired of the marathon.

Going Home

Lala's case worker told me this week that Lala will be going home at the end of the month or beginning of November. Apparently the mom told the new daycare (same system) that it would be Oct. 26th. I don't even get a Halloween.

I'm trying to maintain happy thoughts. Yesterday I purchased a Christmas Carol signing dog that she had seen at a store and loved. There's no point in waiting. I even flirted with the idea of putting the tree up... but in the end decided it would be too hard to take it down after she left.

I'm trying to decided if I need to just have a good cry and get it out or wait until she's gone. I'm also trying to decide if I really want to do this any more. It seems like every road I take has some sort of horredous block. I tried the waiting to get married thing - except I never found anyone to marry (or that I could at least put up with... and don't think I didn't think really long and hard about what I could put up with). I researched every adoption avenue, and thought that China was a good bet, scraped the money together and then watched the wait lengthen to nearly a decade. I went to foster-care gott this baby who is perfect for me and she'll be gone in a matter of days. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something that I won't listen to and until I accept it, I'll just keep getting hurt.

I won't actually stop. I knew that it was a good possibility that Lala would go home. I've known it for months. It's just hard to keep the little flicker of hope lit. And I need to have a little pity party.

And seriously, couldn't I be the person who deals with loss by NOT eating? The not sleeping thing is detrimental to my health and students... and I'm probably going to gain another 10 pounds.

18 Months

Gone by... and still counting.

Lala is growing by leaps and bounds and still NOT walking! At least not by herself. The other day I went to pick her up from a visit with her family- the driver said that she was blowing kisses, a skill that she's had for several months. Then he said that she had been walking too! I have to admit that my heart fell. I really wanted to see her walk first... it's such a big milestone. When we got home, however, I realized that he meant that she was walking while holding a hand or "couch surfing". Or she's just stubborn and won't walk for me because she knows I'll catch her... either way still no pitter-patter little feet without assistance.

The whole thing was a hint of what's to come, I suppose. Currently the plan is that sometime soon Lala will be going home to her family. While that could change, this is the current plan and I have to go with it. Some times I'm ok with it... I know that it's a good thing when kids are reunited with their families. Other times I'm wondering how I'll get through it. A lot of time I really worry about how Lala will be living. It's something that has to taken on faith I guess.

And yes, there are times when the whole process would speed up, so we all can move on.

Projections

Have you SEEN the latest projections? If not, please don't. It's more than depressing.

Good God almighty... I now see the plan. The plan is just to take so long in getting referrals out that either everyone will switch to special needs or just drop out. Seriously, it's the only explanation I can think of...

17 Months

gone by... in the original plan I should be waiting excitedly for my referral. Instead, I'm not even thinking I'll get one for another 3 to 4 years. Oh well. "The oft laid plans of mice and men.." and all that jazz.

In meantime, I've learned how to take a car seat completely appart to wash out vomited milk out of the nooks and crannies. It's taken two days so far and I'm still waiting for the final smell test. Yuck.

Twilight Series

At the beginning of the last school year, my students started telling me about this book they were reading. More than a couple of students. It was a great book they claimed and best of all... it featured good ol' Washington. Forks, WA to be exact - which is just about 20 miles east of the end of the earth. Seriously. My great uncle and aunt lived there for many years. There is nothing out there. Of course, this makes it the perfect setting for the book. Remote and rainy.

The book was, of course, Twilight. Another two books soon followed. The poor librarian had to hide a copy so I could read it. I try to read all the books that several students are raving about. Even kids who don't like to talk about reading, LOVE to talk about books they think are fantastic. And the series is good. There's undying love (which every teenager believes they are either in or have been thwarted at). There's fighting, death and gore. And it rains all the time. I think this fact makes it much more relatedable to my students. It rains all the time here too! The main character doesn't describe herself as beautiful. In fact, she believes she's a doof. Of course, those around her don't. Again, all the insecure girls reading see themselves (and they're all insecure). All the boys would like to think of themselves as something incredibly irresistable but slightly scary - much like the main male character. FWIW, I've seen just as many boys reading this as girls.

The latest book Breaking Dawn. It was released August 2nd. I drove to the nearest bookstore and bought it. Because of the baby it took me two days to read it. They aren't complex stories, literarily speaking. They are entertaining, though. This last book, much like the final Harry Potter, wraps everything up with a couple of twists. I was nearly done with the second section when it dawned on my what one of the biggest twists was going to be. I actually said "no way!" outloud and giggled. If a book makes you talk outloud to yourself, it's good.

Fingerprint Appointment

In two weeks, I'll be heading up to Seattle to get my fingerprints done for my renewal.

I sent a letter to my agency to ask if I should send a copy of the letter to show that I'm in the process of renewing. The reply I got was "CCAA is not requiring a current I-171H at this time". Gee, that's a little different than the response I got 3 months ago when I asked about whether I needed this or not.

Since the check was cashed, I guess the writer felt it acceptable to tell me specific information, rather than vague generalities. And since they were denied Hague status (again), I can't even go the special needs route. Not that I was totally planning too, but I am irked.

Reprieve

Yesterday I got the news that Lala will not be going home in September. Apparently, I misunderstood - and September would be an evaluation time. ohhhhh.... well, that two is out the window. Lala's bio-mom made a choice that could be a minor set-back or turn into a Dr. Phil special episode. The jury is still out. However, this does mean that Halloween is a definite and probably Thanksgiving. It's crazy to me that she made this decision, even if it turns out not to be that big of a deal, because it definitely sets the whole reunification schedule back by months.

I was also asked if I would take one of Lala's older sisters (7). I'm still thinking... it's a scary proposition. The possible behaviors, juggling two kids and a full load of honors courses (teaching)... and the laundry. But at the same time, I feel really guilty in saying no, knowing that Lala only spends a few hours a week with her siblings and doesn't have much interaction with them. It's still a debate.

Mailed

I sent in my free renewal form... now, just waiting for a receipt. And, of course, the renewal.

A little stab of fear

This morning I got a call from the transporation service that carries Lala to her visits with her birth mother. She goes twice a week and usually keeps them - at least Lala goes most of the time. I'm actually not sure how many "mom" makes, since I get no information about what happens at these visits. I know she goes even if "mom" doesn't go because she has siblings that also attend. WA state law requires that children in foster homes who are separated from siblings get at least one visit per week with each other.

Tomorrow Lala will be gone quite a long time because she is going to "mom's" house. That means no supervision at all... I'm afraid that somehow either Lala won't get anything to drink or (more likely) will be given drinks/foods that she can't have. I think it may have already happened - Lala has been coughing and pretty raspy since a couple of weeks ago when she came home with red liquid stains on her dress. Of course, it could just be my over sensitive worry barometer.

This news also makes her going home a little more real. That's just too sad to think about, but I really have to prepare myself for it. The move day has been pushed back by a month, but it's still only two months away.

Busy Month

July started out with a bang - on the 30th, Lala was diagnosed with dysphagia. It means that she has problems swallowing. Thin liquids (water-like) to be exact. This is why she was sick for most of the winter and why she had recently stopped drinking formula. Apparently, she is smarter than everyone else, knew what was wrong and decided to take care of the issue herself since we (myself, doctors, everyone else she came in contact with) didn't seem to be figuring it out. There really isn't a cure... we just have to thicken all of her liquids to thin gel-like substance. The technical term is "honey thick". She seems to be doing ok, but she's got another cold. We have a follow up with her primary care doctor, so we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, summer school started. Yay. Unfortunately, the local juvenille judge heard of the class and is forcing a few kids to go. Always fun to teach the belligerant who rank you the same as Juvie. (yes, they have 20 hours free... but teenage brains don't work like that. In 10 to 15 years, you'll all understand. Pray now.)

I should get my homestudy update on Tuesday and have it mailed out to USCIS that day. I think I finally choose a color for the living room. Got a bid for new counter tops... over $2000 for the labor alone. I think I'll be sticking with the current ones for a little while longer.

Crawling and Hilarity

Lala is definitely crawling around. This has not only opened a new world to her, but has greatly increased her curiosity. The other day she was playing with the folded clothes and somehow got tangled up in my bra. It was hard to not to laugh while she struggled to pull it off. I'm still not sure how she got it on.

She made it through the 4 day absence seemingly ok. Last night I came home (she was dropped off to my mother) and picked her up - she immediately started bawling like she was scared of me. That almost broke my heart. Eventually, she started smiling and playing, although she was very tired.

Today I left to run to the post office and my mom said that after I left, she crawled over to her blankie, wimpered and sucked on the tag. I wonder if she thought I wouldn't be back? Anyhow... no more traveling for me.

I started the process to update my I-171H. I'm hoping the update will be here just after the holiday and I can mail it in. I'm currently at 15 months and holding.

Traveling

Next week I'm off to a conference in the big city of Seattle (actually Bellevue). It's four days long and I can't take Lala with me. Last time I had to go away, I called for respite and looked forward to spending my nights sleeping blissfully. It didn't really work out like that and I missed her a lot.

This time I'm already missing her and I'm not leaving until next week. I'm still trying to get my mother approved, but it looks like Lala will be heading to respite again. I'm worried that she'll be scared to be spending so much time with strangers - I mean, the dog freaks out and misses me like crazy, I can only imagine what Lala will be feeling. After all, she's lived with me for longer than anyone else in her short life. We're going over to the respite house on Sunday to do a meet-n-greet. Lala isn't always so good with strangers. People still always ask me if she talks - "yes, it just a while for her to warm up."

Plus, I'm totally dreading packing all the clothes, diapers, toys, blankies, food and night time CD and taking them over to the respite house.

On the other hand, I'm thinking it might be good for me. It's a big probability that Lala will go home at the end of the summer and I know it's going to be hard. This trip is like a dry run.

ok, I may have miscounted..

Actually, I think the I-171H expires in July... this would be a lot easier if they put an expiration date on the damn thing. I realize that they're not used to multi-year waits, but don't government workers live for that kind of stuff.

Obviously, my previous reaction was such that made me realize that I am a bit more invested in this China thing... so I emailed my agency about updating my homestudy on Wed. They haven't written back. Maybe it's a sign. I just dunno any more.

doing better...

Maybe it was the loverly pressies from my secret pal or the look on Lala's face when I showed her the linking bath toy (caterpillar), but I'm feeling more calm. Or at least the world isn't crashing around me at the moment.

In keeping with my whole "control what you can - let go of what you can't" life philosophy I'm trusting that what is meant to happen will. What I can control is that Lala is loved, safe, clean, well-fed and encouraged to grow healthy and happy. Also, she wears some really cute outfits.

If only it would start heating up to something over 60 degrees. All those cute summer dresses are starting to mold in the closet. Stupid rain.

Bad Day

In looking over my paperwork, I discovered that my I-171 will expire next week. I know I keep saying I wasn't going to renew, but somehow the fact that it's expired for all intents and purposes, comes as a blow. It's done. It's over.

I think it's more of a blow because I've started telling people that Lala will probably be going home at the end of the summer. Maybe sooner, maybe later... but for now the plan is in motion for her to go home. I could tell the people I told at lunch were a bit shocked at my casualness, but I've known for almost a month and somehow convinced myself that "it's ok."

Next week I have to take Lala to respite while I attend a conference in Seattle. This is what is really making it all come to head. I can't think of a week without seeing her. What if she starts to walk? What if she takes off crawling? She's moving, but not very fast or far.

It's just all coming to a head in short space of time.

Almost Crawling

I think I may have to buy some baby gates really soon... Lala's ten month birthday was yesterday and she's just about ready to take off. She's finally figured out that she needs to pick up her hind end. The only thing left to figure out is how to move forward. Backwards scooting is down pat.

Yesterday, as I was doing the dishes, I heard a squawk coming from the living room. I looked over, but couldn't see Lala. I walked around the corner and discovered her stuck under the coffee table. Apparently she scooted backwards underneath in a sitting position. She couldn't figure out how to go forward to get out. If she hadn't been squawking to get out, I would have taken a photo. Hysterical.

I'm sure there will be more to come.

Walking the dog

since Lala arrived, the dog has been a bit ignored. Ok, more than a bit. But I want to fix that, and possibly stop the impending expansion of my ass. So for the past three days we've gone on a walk in the afternoon. I know I should take her out in the morning too, but seriously that's just not going to happen while I'm working.

The goal is to make to 30 days and make it a habit. Also, to stop buying ice cream.

14 Months

Another anniversary. Still not out of review - still wondering if I will make it...

Reading

I've been trying to read A New Earth - it's slow going. Lala takes up a lot of time and what little time I have left over, I use to keep up the grading (I really have to stop assigning so much work - it's such a pain the ass to grade).

Anyhoo, one thing that has stayed with me so far is the idea that life is suffering. I don't mean that in a "oh whoa is me" kinda way, but rather that things aren't going work out like I've planned. It isn't meant to be easy and sometimes bad stuff happens. It's like saying why not me? I mean, would I really be able to choose someone else to carry my burdens? And whose would I pick up? Nothing is perfect and I have been blessed with some many things that others pray for every day.

That's part of the reason why I love reading other people's blogs. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this journey - other people struggle and they succeed or they don't, but there life doesn't end. Neither will mine. I watch Lala play on the floor and think to myself that she is the most beautiful baby there ever was and I hope that when the time comes for her to go home we both can handle it and that she will remember the love and safety that she felt here. I'm sure it will hurt like heck, but I know I can carry my own burdens and my life will go on.

Not the news I wanted...

Lala will probably be going home by the end of the summer.

It's taken a few days to fully process all the information - I suppose there is a minuscule chance that she won't go home, but somehow it feels wrong to hope for that. Instead I guess I'll just keep going each day... and really, I know there are a lot of people who give anything for the short months that I've had. I got a mother's day card. I bought an Easter dress. I've already bought a 4th of July dress. And maybe I'll get a first birthday squeezed in.

In the meantime, Lala was referred to a pulmunologist. We drove all the way to the very large city not-so-near-by and got nada. She was perfectly healthy while there - no "crackling", no darth-vader like breathing. We have to go back in a couple of months for another evaluation after having a swallow study. It's possible that she's been aspirating food and that's causing repiratory infections. Of course, given the past history, she'll do fantastic and we're back at square one.

This morning we went to day care as usual. An hour and half later, Lala had a fever of 102 and I had to leave work to pick her up. Her regular doctor said, "this may just be a regular day care virus for once." No ear infection, no lung "crackle", no snot. At least I got about a 5 day weekend.

Specialists

The doctor's appointment yesterday went very fast - no ear infections, definately no allergies, but there is something wrong. Apparently, babies are not supposed to sound like Darth Vader or have a near constant stream of snot coming out of their noses. Who knew? Everyone else told me they were...

So we're off to see some lung specialists and a "swallow test". It's suspected that Lala has large adnoids (just like mom and grandma... who says adopted kids get nothing from adoptive parents), although she could have asperated food. The manager of the daycare told me the story of a young boy who was constantly sick with breathing problems. Finally, at age 2 (!!!), doctors discovered a mass in his lung, operated and found a piece of popcorn. It had been there for over a year! So now, I'm slightly worried about possible cheerios, but more than slightly worried about french fries (her diet at 4 months! :( I'm also slightly relieved that it's not allergies, we're back on antibiotics, and that something will be figured out.

The specialists visit requires a day off and a trip to the big-big city. I was really hoping to have a month where I didn't take a day off... but at least this way I can assure my TA's that we'll get decent sub who pays attention. You'd be surprised at the number who feel it's perfectly acceptable to read the entire time.

9 Month Birthday

Lala is definitely expressing herself now! She's babbling loudly all the time and has no problem doing it in front of strangers now as long as I'm with her. She's become quite vocal at church, especially if the minister is talking. Hey, if she can talk, then Lala should be able to, too! I think she may have said her first word the other day - "crap!". I'm hoping it was just a combination of babbling and my imagination. All I have to do is shake the container with Puffs and she starts to do this funny little happy dance. She also does it in the morning if she's really hungry and sees her bottle. It's quite cute.

Unfortunately, she hasn't been hungry for the past few days. I think we're into yet another ear infection. Since the last antibiotic ended on Monday, I'm worried. We're off to the doctor tomorrow, so I'm sure she'll be fine. What I'm really worried about is A) her SW will show up to take her away because she's basically had an recurring ear infection since January or B) they'll discover that she's allergic to dogs... and yah. I dont' think I could get rid of my dog, especially for something so uncertain.

At this time, I still have no idea if Lala will be staying with me after Memorial Day. I can speculate all I want, but no one has really given me any updated information. I keep telling myself that a call could come at any moment saying that the SW will pick her up at 3 and that's it. Kinda scary...

13 months

I'm still in the game. Just floating along in some sort of neither-land. I noticed that Department I has reviewed through Dec. 31, 2006. Can they get through March before my I-171H needs to be renewed? My agency is about as helpful as a 3rd leg. Their response to my query as to whether I needed to renew was "everyone needs to decide what is right for them." In other words, we have no fricking clue as to what is going on; do what you want and don't even think of blaming us for the outcome."

And since there seems to be revolving door for employees, I'm probably lost in the suffle. And I guess, I'm comfortable with that.

Yet Another Antibiotic

Yep, we're on number four! This time, the Dr. mentioned the possibility of "tubes"... new territory for our family. We are a family that is seemingly immune to ear infections (knock on wood). Neither I, nor my brothers, nor my nephew has ever had an ear infection. Lala has had four in four months. We're literally at the Dr's office every week. Sigh.

Other than that, things are going along swimmingly. This past week, I had to go through Lala's clothes to weed out those that no longer fit. She's growing like a weed and changing from day to day. Her true personality shows itself every day - she's very independant and is just going to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it.

A Month gone by...

it's amazing how fast time goes... I keep thinking I need to update my blog, and then something comes along to distract me. So here's a quick bullet list to update y'all...

• Lala is sitting up very well and doing some incredible stretching to reach her toys. She would make all of my dancers incredible jealous with her flexibility.
• Since she can stretch herself so far, she does not see the need to start crawling.
• Lala can stand up by herself, but cannot get into that position by herself. She does recognize the commands "stand" and "sit." Now if I could just get the dog to do that!
• Lala is starting to feed herself. In fact, she gets quite upset at times if anyone tries to feed her. She's got an independant streak a mile wide!
• Lala is learning how to hug. She's also starting to say "mama" and recognize it means me! (Ok that may be a little farfetched given that she's only 8 months old)
• I finally found someone to take up the concrete pad in my back yard. Yesterday he broke up all the concrete. I'm hoping he shows up today to start getting rid of it.
• The concrete is really deep! Much deeper that I thought it would be... It may take quite a lot of get it to garden shape. We may not be able to do it this year. :( However, I do have a good source for manure...
• Today's weather is finally supposed to be spring-like. After nearly a year of winter, I am more than ready!
• Lala is on her fourth anti-biotic (although she was only on number three for about 3 days, then switched). I swear there isn't a germ that doesn't like her!

I wish I could write an entry about what I was doing a year ago, but the day passed pretty much like any other - I didn't know this was my LID date for another couple of weeks. I know that I was starting to realize that wait was going to be a bit longer than planned. Every month after that one brought another year of projected wait.

A year later, and so much has changed. My life is full of diapers, shopping (my God, how much shopping I HAVE to do now!), cleaning (my house has never been so clean!) and wondering when Lala is going start crawling. I feel so blessed and excited for each new day. Happy New Year to me!

Easter Weekend

Time does fly by very quickly... I can't believe it's Easter already. Lala has currently has three Easter dresses. My mother purchased two and she came home in one from her visit with her biological family. Since I'm not informed as to what happens during those visits, I really don't know who put her in it, but since her clothes are changed every time, I just have to roll with it. This Sunday, she'll be wearing one of the other two, depending on the weather. (yah. It snowed last night)

Then again, time does move slowly. I think more and more about Lala's biological family. I wonder if they're progressing; if anything is happening at all; what her siblings are doing; and mostly, what is going to happen come June. I get sorta an update once a month when the SW comes to visit, but client privacy rules pretty much leave me having to read between the lines - which I'm not very good at.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying everything I can. It still seems a bit unreal that after all that waiting, hoping, wishing, praying, etc. I am responsible for a baby! I get to think about Easter Egg Hunts (still too young!), Easter dresses and scrapbooking. I don't even really like scrapbooking and I'm just so incredibly grateful that I get to do it! Weird.

When you're slidin' into first...

yah, it's been one of those weeks.

Monday started the diarrhea, sorta. Tuesday I got a call from the daycare letting me know that they were on diaper change number 8 and most likely, Lala would not be going on her bi-weekly visit. (Lala visits her biological family twice a week) Apparently, the transporters do not like exploding babies in their car.

I stayed home on Wednesday, because taking a baby who has 8 diaper changes in less than 4 hours to daycare is just plain cruel. And really pisses off the other parents. I not only got the exploding baby experience, but also the playing with poop experience. Boy! You really cannot turn your back on baby with diarrhea for a second! Lala was also getting hives, but only for 15-20 minutes at a time. She looked like a cat had mauled her legs! Really weird, but I changed her formula to a soy based and it hasn't shown up again. I'm not totally convinced it was the formula that gave her the hives. Today is the first time she's gotten any solid foods except rice cereal, so I'm still watching for them to come back.

Thursday we had a staff meeting about everyone missing so many days of work... and I gave a small prayer of thanks that I don't work in Corporate American. Complain all you want people. I've still got over a month of sick days banked. (Years of coming work like the walking dead because I knew there were no more good subs). Oh yeah, I have jury duty next week too!

Friday ended the week on a positive note. Lala had her second development evaluation. She had failed in a couple of aspects previously. This time, however, she passed with flying colors. In fact, the evaluator cut it short, saying she'd gained so much in 6 weeks that she wasn't really behind any more. This time Lala looked over when the evaluator shook a rattle, stood on her legs (she can almost bear all of her own weight - no easy feat given her size), grabbed at toys, rolled around and seemed "very attached" to me to the point of reaching for me to pick her up from the evaluators lap. We'll have another appointment in three months to make sure she's still moving along.

I also got a new-to-me jogging stroller on Friday. A friend had one sitting in the garage collecting cob-webs, so now Lala and I are ready for some serious walking. We may even go out the trails nearby, if the weather holds.

Saturday, we're still playing it cool with feeding. Although things are looking less stinky, I'm still holding my breath on whether we're still on poop patrol.

11 Months

I can't believe I missed my 11 month anniversary! Not one thought about it during the day - I didn't even think about until March 2nd when I saw the Rumor Queen posts about new referrals (which btw, if true, means no referrals for my agency. The 3rd time in a year.)

My fingerprints expire next month and my I-171H will expire in June. I suppose I should contact my agency to find out what I need to do, but I'm really not so motivated to do so. I think it's because I'm worried that they'll tell me I need to have my home-study re-done by a completely new social worker. I'm pretty sure the "new" office is too far away for them to send their own... I really do not want to spend another $2000 for a document that may or may not ever lead to an adoption. So, I'm basically just sitting back and waiting to see how it all plays out. Secretly, I'm hoping that my documents will be reviewed before the I-171H expires and then I won't have to renew at all... because a "free" renewal is not all that free.

In the meantime, Lala is becoming more of a little person every day! She's learned to sit up fairly well, even in the bathtub. This weekend, she seems to have crossed the line between passive observer to actively touch everything - I dunno how to explain it, she just suddenly seems to be more interested in things around her. She's got a new favorite toy that she picked out herself (it was the only one she did more than just stare at)... she remembers it from previous play times, so maybe some object permanance is going on. She's still more interested in eating books that reading them.

She graduated to Stage 2 foods (which basically means, she eats more in a sitting) - we were getting mixtures of foods and fruits. I'm still trying to figure out all this "when to introduce..." advice. Everyone says something different... however Lala isn't at the stage where she recognizes that "if I put something in my mouth, I can eat it, rather than just play with it" and she's not at the stage of really chewing either, so we're sticking to mush.

Back from the Dead

or at least, those who really wanted to be dead. Last weekend, both myself and Lala came down with a stomach virus. It started with her vomitting all over me at Old Navy (my poor friend who came along... she looked shell-shocked at all the vomit that came out of one baby!). By the next night, I was curled up on the bathroom floor thanking God that Lala was sleeping off her bouts. I don't know how I survived, but I did and so did Lala. We even had a couple of visitors (word to the wise - call before "dropping by").

Ear Ache

Lala has her first ear ache... so far, she seems to be doing all right, although she's not eating very well.

In the meantime, the end of the semester is coming and there's tons of grading to be done. On Friday, the principal asked if I could have 100 reading tests graded by Monday. Apparently, while I was out of town (for work!), he decided he needed them... so everyone else had their students grade them. Lucky me is supposed to do it by myself with all the other stuff piling up. Needless to say, I told him no. Four days since I'd seen the baby, I wasn't spending the weekend grading something that's been sitting around for two months, but he suddenly needs in 48 hours.

10 Months

I'm not really sure if I should still be counting months from LID anymore. It feels like a futile effort and to be honest, with Lala here, it feels a bit like a betrayal. I do have to say that having a child in the home makes a huge difference in the wait - I know it's hard for everyone, but it was way harder just sitting and staring at the walls.

Lala is at the babysitters for the next few days. I fly out tonight for a conference that was scheduled (and paid for) months ago. I dropped her off last night - too much action in the morning - and I felt completely guilty. She's becoming more attached to me and here I am dropping her off at a stranger's house. I know she'll be with the other children playing with her all the time, but I'm still wracked with guilt. Did she sleep through the night? Did she get her morning bottle? Is she still all snotty? Mother's guilt... who knew it only took a couple of days to settle in?

Two New Teeth

Yes, all that drool has paid off in two lower teeth just starting to show. I wish I could take a picture of them... but the only time to really see them is when she's screaming. Not a good photo opportunity.

We went on a massive formula shopping spree - 5 cans for $70! I figure that the cans will last about 3 weeks. Hopefully. She's already gone through 3 and it hasn't even been two full weeks. Also, she has 2 to 3 bottles at daycare when she's there, so that's another can she's working through. No wonder breast feeding has had a resurgence.

Lala is also eating solids, so we picked up some squash. Unlike the carrots on the left, squash was much more welcome. She ate the entire 2.5 oz package! Still, we'll keep working on the carrots.

I'm trying to get vegis in her taste memories before really getting into fruits, but it's an uphill battle. I'm not always in control of what she's eating (or where, or when). That would be the frustrating part of foster parenting.

I'm finally beginning to adjust to the new sleeping schedule. Or rather, the lack of sleeping schedule. Yesterday, I actually got up at 2 am somewhat alive! And my arms no longer ache from carrying her around... who knows... muscles may be close behind.

First Cold

For the past couple of days, Lala has had a somewhat juicy sounding cough. She's always been a bit wheezy, but the cough had been moving slowly up the juicy/more frequent scale. Last night, after charming every mother attending the local high school basketball game (my dance team had a performance), we came home to a screaming-I'm-so-uncomfortable-can't-breathe cold.

After two showers and sitting next to a steaming tea kettle and about a hundred trips around the kitchen in the stroller, she finally relaxed enough to fall asleep. Might I repeat my love of my umbrella stroller? I'm pretty sure it's the single most sanity saving device I have. Lala loves to ride around in it, it can double as a rocker, sit in the bathroom while the shower is running and for a kid who dislikes the car, dryer and being held in any position except fully verticle (while I'm standing-no sitting allowed), well, I may have it enshrined.

Today we're off to purchase a humidifer. I, seriously, never thought I would purchase one given that I live in one of the few rainforests in the US. It rains constantly, everything is either mossy or moldy... but I'd rather fight mold than an uncomfortable baby.

I've been visiting other's blogs and I'm seriously wondering... how do you find all this time to take photos??? I think I have a total of 3 and one is because I have to get a thank you note out. Seriously, I can't wait until my coaching contract is up. Only one more month!

Oh yeah! Lala rolled over the other day! It was the first time I'd ever seen do that... and, of course, I was on the phone so couldn't rush over to coo over her.

First Poop

No one but a mother could possibly be excited about poop - well, pet owners at times, mom's are freaks about poop. When, how much, what color, what consistancy... on and on. Imagine my excitment for Lala's first poop. It's a sign of health you know.

The doctor's visit reinforced the poop - Lala is perfectly healthy, if a bit chunky. She weighs 17.8 pounds and is 25 inches long. That translates to 50 percentile for height and 95th percentile for weight. I knew my arms were sore for a reason. Now if we can just get on a schedule, we'll be set for the next few months.

We also went shopping for more diapers and a stroller. My God! Who knew a stroller could be such a life saver - I'm thanking God for it. Everyone who has seen her falls in love. They're all into her big beautiful eyes and ready smile. Me, i'm just thrilled to be finally in the "my you have a pretty baby" group. it's still hard to believe she's really here to stay for awhile.

She's Here!

Yesterday, I got the call to come and pick up a baby girl... wow! She's beautiful and smily (mostly) and huge! Nearly 20 pounds of chunk. My arms are tired!

She is not mine permanently, at least not for now. And honestly, who knows for how long. Weirdly, i'm ok with the uncertainty for now. It feels kinds like being a nanny. You like the kid, want her to be happy, comfortable and feel loved, but she's not "my baby". This also means no photos.

We're off to go shopping today (need bigger diapers!) and see the doctor.

Still Here and still waiting...

9.15pm - no news. I'm guessing that nothing is happening today. Tomorrow back to work, like nothing happened. Bummer.

A New Kind of Waiting

a baby may have been placed with me... the whole thing is so fraught with uncertainty...

I got the call at 1pm. Called back at 4pm. Was told to wait for tonight. Freaked out, told everyone at work. Made an emergency run to Rite Aide. Cleaned everything again. Still waiting at 8pm...

I imagine this is somewhat similar to what it feels like when waiting for the next referral and the rumors say you're in.

Licensed

I got a call last night to let me know that I'm officially licensed. Guess what I do now?

A. do the happy dance
B. go for a 5 mile run
C. wait.

If you guessed "C", you win!

In other news...
Just before Christmas, I got a call from friend who had talked to another friend about my adoption plans. Friend 2 has information on adopting via another route that is cheaper and easier. I start laughing - internally, so I don't insult friend 1 - cheaper and easier does not exist. Everything is fraught with uncertainty, problems and, of course, waiting. Still I did contact friend 2. Her information was third hand and very vague. I'm still working my way through the chain of information. Shoot! It's not like I don't have time.

New Year's Resolution

So, one of my new year's resolutions has been to become more fit. Seriously, I think I could easily become Jabba the Hutt with all my moping sitting around.

Today I found this - bits of work out videos on YouTube. Finally, you can try them out before purchasing and get in a few minutes of raising the ol' heart beat. I definitely recommend Sarina Jain's Masala Bhangra workouts. They're so fun, I might just go buy the tape next month. (New budget is another resolution...)

Another Step Closer

The SW emailed me on New Year's Eve to let me know that my homestudy report was completed and had been sent on to the supervisor. That's the final step to getting my license. It's a little hard to describe what I'm feeling about thist... on the one hand, I'm all fluttery and on the other, I'm all "ehh". Once burned, twice shy.

I emailed back about a timeline and well, there really isn't one. You just have to go with the flow and hope for the best. I am hoping that I'll have a couple month wait so that dance competition season will end before. Eeek... I do have to have a chat with my boss and a conference coming up at the end of the month.

The only thing to really pin hopes on was "but it usually doesn’t take too long". No, I have no idea what that means.

If I was pregnant, I'd be really fat, tired and definitely ready to get that baby out. Instead, I think I've entered into the zen zone of "whatever". All the projects that I planned on doing are sitting in a corner... it seems kinda like waste of time to work on them. It's a problem of too much time. So, here's to hoping that soon I'll be out of time.

Homestudy Again...

This time last year, I was waiting to for the call from my agency's social worker to set up the homestudy visit. I was so excited... just waiting for the call (not "THE CALL" - just a call to set up the appointment). I drove back from the Christmas celebrations to Seattle for the first meeting, mentally rehearsing answers to questions I thought I might be asked. Then came the marathon cleaning and arranging of furniture. Preparing the dog. I swear I can still feel the excitment from it.

This year, the SW from the state finally made on Thursday (almost 12 months later than the first). It took about two hours, but it probably would have taken less time if I wasn't so chatty and the dog didn't keep trying to sit on her lap. The appointment was scheduled for 3.30pm and I didn't have time to take her (the dog) for a walk, so she (the dog) was a little excited to see someone else there. I pointed out my smoke detectors and fire extinguishers, the locked medicine box and all the fire exits. We discussed having fire drills - the SW recommended that I practice with the dog (seriously!). Everything was checked off - the report takes about two weeks to write up and is then sent to the supervisor. My fingerprints are still not back, so that has to also be cleared. Hopefully, it's just a christmas rush or vacation rush or something like that.

After that, I don't know. It's a little scary with all the "don't know" time frames. Initially, I was told that I would have a long wait (ha! they don't really know what long means...) and then as the SW was leaving, she told me that another family had been cleared the day before and was "already full." I don't know if that means I should be excited, worried or neither. I guess I'd have to say that I'm more than a little catious with my emotions this time around. I haven't done anything to prepare myself in months. No books, no magazine articles, no shopping for myself, nada. I'm not sure I want to start up again, only to have another torturous wait.

Home Study Part Deux

Tomorrow the SW from the state is coming to do the foster/adopt homestudy. I wish I could say that I was excited, but really, I'm not. I didn't clean nearly as deeply as before and I keep forgetting to lock up the wine bottles. There are still dishes in the sink - but I'm too tired to finish tonight. Hopefully, I'll get up early tomorrow morning and do it. I've had enough stress for today.

Really Hanging Around

What's the old saying... "men make plans and God laughs"...

It snowed on Saturday. Really fat flakes that stuck around long enough to make a snowman. Sadly, it melted in the rain on Sunday. Sunday night brought on a big storm - at least to Pacific Northwest standards - kinda like a Nor'easter only with more panic. Really, people around here are such pansies when it comes to inclement weather. I was a little worried about the satellite dish on the roof, but I also knew that there wasn't a clear path for the wind to blow it directly.

About 1.30am (monday), the power went out. I woke up about 5.30am to wait for the phone call from school... it never came. Eventually, I found my emergecy radio (hidden next to the emergency candles, except I already had candles out, so looked there last), wound it up and listened. No power anywhere, most of the county was dark. People are starting to call me to find out about school, but no word. I was just about to drive in when the radio finally announced the school closure at 6.30am. What were they holding out for? Who knows... I'm guessing they did not build in any extra days into the calendar (God forbid kids should attend school for one second more than the state mandated 180 days) and since some genius scheduled graduation on the last day of school, it's likely to be fubar when the missed days are added back in. BTW, it's now day three of no school and no one from the school has called. Someone did manage to update the school website. Heh.

Monday morning I drove down the road to get some hot coffee, but otherwise sat around the house reading a Patricia Cornwell book. Thanks to Ikea, I had plenty of batteries and candles. I even rigged up little hot pot set up using tea lights and the broiler tray from my toaster oven. Tuesday I went to the grocery store to pick up some more fruit and, you know... escape the four walls I'd been staring at for the last 24 hours. The wind had stopped and the roads were passable to the grocery. Of course, the highway was blocked by landslides and trees. There were huge lines to get gas, but I think they all used most of what they bought in the waiting.The power went back on at 12.37am, but we're still out of school. There's no real flooding (beyond the annual) around here. Lots of trees down and almost every street sign came down, but for the most part we're watching everything on TV, just like you are. It looks worse in the outlying areas, but I'm not going to have a real close look.

*update - I finally got a call. No school tomorrow either. The roads to the outside world are still sketchy and no one seems to what's going to happen, so I'm just hanging around.

Not Really Hanging Around

With the holidays coming on and three performances next week, I've barely been online in the last week, avoided email and blogs and just tried to keep my head above water.

I still have a ton of grading to do and am debating heading into the big city to meet up with a friend.... decisions, decisions, decisions...

Yesteday I got the insulation finished (finally!), in snowed and I finished all my christmas cards. My shopping is nearly done; all that is left is making of cookies for the neighbors and friends.

8 months... I almost wrote 9. Guess I'm starting to loose track of time. Have you bought anything for your baby this year? So far, I've bought a lot for others... and even thought about giving some of what I bought to someone else.

Tomorrow night is the foster-care home visit. It feels very anti-climatic

The To-Do List

Yesterday I didn't shop. Besides the fact that I really don't have a lot of money to shop with, I just didn't see anything that grabbed my attention. It's a sentiment I heard from many people, so I'm guessing that all crowds were of people who just wanted to shop. There were some good lap top deals, but I don't need one enough to fight the crowds.

Instead I spent the day doing genealogy research (and laundry). I stumbled on some new contacts on Thanksgiving and they wrote me back almost immediately. I know have copies of my great-great-great-grandfather's death certificate and will. You know what's really weird? With a few exceptions, my father's family all comes from the same general area in OH but apparently never met until arriving in Spokane, WA. I always heard stories about entire towns moving out to WA after getting letters from early arrivals - but an entire state? Even weirder? Part of my mother's family is from the same area too! Makes it easy to order records though.

Today, I'm putting Christmas lights, doing insulation (since it seems to be impossible to hire someone to do it with my schedule) and finishing the tree. I may have to buy new tree lights. My usual strand seems to have given up the ghost.

I think you get the message...

Another Bulleted Entry

• I put up shelves yesterday, however, they were in my storage room... not the baby's room.
• I finally remembered to take all my packages to the post office to be mailed, but remember my brother's present at the post office. I might just take it up to him on Thanksgiving.
• Our first dance team competition in on Dec. 8th and we don't have an entire routine planned out. We only have about a minute and half... it has to be at least two minutes.
• Dance Team uniforms arrive on Tuesday. You can't believe how happy I am about that. Until then, they've been wearing warms ups. I heard that at a football performance, several people said they didn't look good in the warm ups. I found out on Friday why... the current fashion for teens is long shirst that hang outside of jackets - they all wore white t-shirts that hung out. It looks like the white flag of 10 extra pounds (pounds that some just don't need) and sloppy. I can't believe the assistant coach let them on the field like that!
• I got into an argument with a couple of members of the dance team aobut wearing these shirts hanging out for the program photo. Guess who argued that most? Yep. The ones it looks the worst on. One actually said "it hides my bluge!"... by wrapping it in white on a dark background.
• I tell myself that, at one time, we all thought mullets were attractive. Ugly fads are always around.
• I'm having a hard time finding someone to finish insulating my attic. Of course, it may have something to do with my lack of follow up because I'm so busy with school, dance team and honor society.
• I'm so far behind in grading that I'm actually scared to start grading.

Hissy Fit

So, last week was all about having a hissy fit.

I've never been good at waiting for what I really want. I always peeked at my Christmas presents... and in fact, am so good that even now I can simply shake box to know it's contents. My family has tried various tricks over the years starting when I was three. My parents discovered that I could read and write Christmas Eve that year when pulling down presents from the top shelf of their closet. A box clearly marked "doll" had my name written all over it. Granted it wasn't the best hand writing, but it was clearly my name. It's still a mystery how I got up there since my partner in crime was barely 7 months old.

They've tried hiding at friends houses - still they had to come home at some point, see "box shaking" comment above. They tried not marking any wrapped presents under the tree and wrapping everything. It only too about a day to figure out the color coding system and find a razor blade... same for the numbering system. There were a couple of years of unwrapping my siblings gifts because without a color or number system, no one remembered what was what.

Now my family goes for a two-pronged offense. First they buy things that are really odd and not on my gift list. (my step-mother keeps a notebook all year long listening for ideas) and everything gets wrapped in unusal boxes or with confusing items. For example, a sweater is placed in an extra large box with a couple of handfuls of plastic flatware. Or a pair of boots are stuffed into an Amazon box with the Amazon packing pillows.

Needless to say there is no peeking with adoption from China. In fact, I'm not even sure there is anything to peek at. It's doubtful that the child I will be referred will even be born within the next two years. And who knows what will happen during that time??? Obviously, I'm not going to jump ship right now, because there's no reason to... but I do need to find something to help me through this wait. I'm obsessed with trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel... and it will drive me crazy if I don't stop.

China Adoption Forecast

has been updated. For those following along, it updated my predicted referral date to March 22, 2012. That adds another year to my waiting... or just another nail in the coffin of that dream.

I'm not going to pull my dossier, but right now, I'm not planning on updating it either. Seriously, I don't see the point in throwing good money after bad. In fact, it makes me more than slightly angry that I've spent the money I already have on something that apparently isn't going to happen. I realize I'm only 7 months into this, but realistically, I've already been waiting years. Waiting for this dream I've had since I was 4 years old... and I'm not willing to wait any longer.

It's time to move on.

I dunno if I'm going to counts months each month or just add them up for each event. At times I wonder if it even matters any more... in reading posts on various boards and groups, I can see people splitting into a few of groups: those who are just disconnected, those who are moving to SN and those who just don't know what to do. I guess you could put me in the group of disconnected... although am I really? I did still create the image for this post. A few days late, but done none the less.

I finished one fundraiser at school and am working on another. Tis the season, I guess. And since it's the first of Nov. I did listen to Christmas music today. I'm nearly finished with a scarf for my brother, I finished most of the pom bags for the team (ran out of cording) and purchased the supplies for a few more presents. A friend found out she's having a girl, my cousin is getting married and having a baby in May and two more students announced their pregnancies, so I guess those are more things to make to waste time...

Didja ever...

have one of those days where you just wanted to run away?

I'm beginning to think that I really made a mistake in taking on the dance coaching job - it's so frustrating and seemingly endless. Today another two girls quit. One of them was a captain. In talking with her, she didn't think she was respected enough and didn't like choreographing all the time. I thought she was respected, but in her mind, apparently not. I also think that other quitter had something to do with these complaints, but it's bygones now.

I believe of the original 18 from last spring's try-outs that leaves 5? We picked up another 5, this fall.. but still... feel like I want to quit. I'm definitely over this at the end of the year. And never again, I can tell you that.

Still Here and still waiting...

I got a letter from the foster lisence-or. My fingerprints were rejected again. I need to find a new fingerprint person, because apparently the local one is not good. That certainly explains our crime rate and lack of enforcement... just what I want to rush around doing for a third time.

In the meantime, can I tell you how many people I know who are currently pregnant? I beginning to be afraid of opening text messages from friends, because I know another baby present will in the future. Frustrating isn't it? I'm happy for them, but horribly jealous with no outlet for it.

I may be crazy...

I did something complete crazy last night - I dunno if it will work out in the final outcome, which is why I'm not really sure if I should say anything at all. At the same time, something has to keep my mind off of this CCAA waiting so why not go for it? Life was meant for risks - sometimes it turns out good, sometimes not. I'm beginning believe, however, that it's the risk that is most important.

A Bright Surprise!

It's been a really stressful month with work - tons of work and coaching. Last weekend, I spent the entire time in a coaches conference. It was really energizing, but the reality is not so much. Luckily, I have an awesome assistant coach. Among all this stress, however, a box arrived!

I got the note about the box after the post office closed, so I had to wait 'til the next day. Inside was an outfit from The Children's Place (a shop I like, but can't purchase anything because it doesn't conform to the "rule"), a panda bear figurine holding a ladybug and ladybug ball (there's actually a hard rubber ball as the main body part...) I had to test it at school, since I knew Keavy would attack it. All balls are her possessions.

I've already purchased my secret pal gift to send out - just have to get it to the post office. I have to say that shopping for someone else is a little more fun that shopping for me. I know someone is going to open it up and enjoy it now. I'm still wondering if everything I've already purchased will be hopelessly out of date by the time anything is received from China. I've already been thinking about shipping it all a cousin who just found out she's pregnant. I could get it all back before my referral is expected and she'd get good use out of it.

Six month LID anniversary - does it even mean anything? I'm beginning to wonder if I should start counting seasons or years instead. Or maybe I'm just feeling like Weeping Wilma today. Some days it's a tough row to hoe.

School has been busy, but coaching has taken a lot out of me. Although I knew it would take time out of my schedule, I just didn't expect it to be so stressful. Mostly because every time I'm feeling like we're getting somewhere, another shoe drops. Of the 18 who were on the team last spring, I've now got 8 left. 2 quit before the first practice, 2 moved over the summer, 2 quit for another sport, 1 had a hissy fit and hasn't spoken to anyone in over a month, another thought her time would be better spent doing homework since she wasn't getting front positioning (lack of talent or inability to attend practices, notwithstanding), one couldn't handle the stress and I can't even remember the last one. I added 5 more this week and one hasn't bothered to show up for practice yet.

The team is all I think about - I fall asleep trying to think of ways to pull the team together and wake up thinking about dance routines. I'm trying to be more organized, but I think the vote is still out on that one. To be brutally honest, if I'd know it was going to be this stressful, I would never have applied for the job.

It's hard to keep a happy face on knowing that I'm failing at this every day. It's like a slow death - sucking what little joy there is out of my life. When you add in the knowledge that I'll be spending yet another holiday season hanging one more "waiting" ornament on the tree - well, it just sucks. If anyone knows an antidote, please let me know.

Ok, something to post.

The Nursery - nearly done.

(sorry about the photo quality... really the crib isn't bent like that)

I got a lot done this summer.

The closet - it's actually the lenght of the wall with a small space between. I decided to put in a narrow set of shelves there for smaller things. It's a CD/DVD rack from Ikea. I painted it Melon to add a bit of color to the room - with all the lilac, it's a bit cool. The Melon gives it a bit of pizzaz. Below are close-ups of the shelves. The tippy-top holds a little bird house!

"Koral Fisk" Laundry basket

("fisk" is swedish for "fish" - guess where I bought this?)

The only thing that is really left is some shelving to put up in the closet... otherwise it's just blankets, toys, clothes and books. I've not really been buying anything lately because I just don't know what's going to happen. Should I just buy things to dust for the next four years? Will the foster licensor ever finish the background check and approve me? Will a child ever be placed with me? How old exactly? So, really I'm back to "if it's a fantastic bargin."
Speaking of which ->
$2!!! Solid wood, a bit dusty, but in fantastic shape.

Helloooo......

I feel kinda bad that I've got nothing to write lately - my job keeps me busy and it seems like I've always got 10 people to call before the day ends... but it all seems a tad boring to write about. The most exciting thing that happened this week is that I discovered I may have a problem in giving vocabulary tests because I've got tables in my room now, instead of desks. I don't know really, since I haven't actually graded said tests... but the possibility is there. Should I, instead just march everyone down to the student center and sit them two at a table? This isn't really an option for my largest class, since there aren't that many tables down there. And, is it feasible on a weekly basis?

For my first real day off in three weeks (no one to entertain, watch over or work stuff), I took the dog to the beach for a short walk and tried to look at some garage sales. Mostly they were junky and crowded. I did pick up a boggle game for 50 cents. Wooot!

Referrals

Up to Nov. 25 - for those keeping track, that's 4 whopping days.

Sometimes I feel that this blog has become so negative, that even I don't want to visit it... and I'm not sure how to make it more positive. It is hard to remember the positives while this never ending wait drags on... but here are some I thought of today!

My father finished insulating the attic. Hopefully, I'll be able to be warmer this winter and keep some of the eletrict bills within a lower range. Whenever my daughter gets here, I know she'll appreciate being warm and cozy during the long winter rains. My tomatoes are starting to ripen. I'm sure to have a bumper crop this year! Good thing I love tomatoes! Lastly, the breadmaker my grandmother gave me works like a charm and I now have fresh bread whenever I want it!

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I got a phone call saying that a single's spot had open for me. A year ago today, I thought I would be rushing around trying to gather money for the trip. A year ago today, so many things were different...

This past week has been stupendously busy. Coaching and preparing the upcoming school year has made for some very long days. I'm worried that I've taken on too much and won't be able to handle having a baby... I know I can quit and with a long wait ahead of me for China I should just sit back and relax about it. However, there's that pesky foster/adoption application sitting on someone's desk. My fingerprints were rejected and I had to send new ones in last week. Since then I've been so ambivalent about the whole thing, I'm tempted to call it off.

Then again, there are no guarantees on anything. Would calling it off put me in a bad light? Will I just get into another long line? Why couldn't I just have been a high school slut and had a baby at 16?