Busy Day

Well, things have settled down for the next hour or so... Lala will be arriving tonight. Apparently she's been in care since Friday at another foster home, claiming that they couldn't reach me.

Right now, the placement is for two weeks. That's right, two weeks. I can't really go into detail, but lets just say that Lala's parents aren't necessarily bad people, just people who make dumb, dumb choices. And while I want to be there for Lala, I can't help feeling a bit scammed. A two week placement is like walking around the casino and a placement where they tell you "it WILL likely be a termination" is placing an actual bet.

I'm also a bit worried about Lala. There are some things that the current foster mom told that while not suprising, seemed to have escalated. I realize that we will never truly know how psychological trauma and neglect will affect a child or for how long, but I have to wonder if she was doing great 8 months ago while in my care and now not so much even though "everyone is doing great!" what the heck is really going on when there is no one watching.

Holy Crap!

So, I just posted just 30 minutes ago and things may have changed again!

Apparently, Lala is coming back into care and they want to place her back with me. Conference call at 3pm to get more information. I am so confused!

Seriously, anyone reading this - if you had a child who was returned home and then placed back with after 8 months, please leave me any advice you can think of... like, will she remember me? Will she be angry with me? Will she just be angry? (duh...) What should I do with her to make sure she feels comfortable? Should I still get a crib? She'll be two next month, when do you switch to toddler beds? How big will she be? Will she get along with the baby? She is the baby of her family... now she'll be the oldest.

I am heartbroken that she is coming back into care. I mean, I love her with all my heart and will be thrilled to see her, but not at this cost.

Ok, now I really do need to clean the house because I can't thinking and walking around trying to figure out what needs to be done first.

OMG! OMG!

Could this be it?

I just got a call from the placement co-ordinator asking if I was interested in having a newborn infant placed with me... one that will probably be going to termination (this is the ONLY time anyone has EVER said this me!) and, in fact, the adoption worker had suggested my name as a placement option.

I am quitely freaking out.

The infant is currently in the hospital, possibly in the PICU... but the PC didn't call it that and really, he was talking too fast for me to get all the information written down. There will be a meeting with the CW to go over all the information, hopefully before the placement? OMG... I really know nothing about this child! (this would be the freaking out part!)

Can I handle what is going on with this child? This totally changes my plans for the next year for work - as in, there is no way I can do National Boards. Luckily, something has kept me from filling out all the paperwork and paying for anything. I wonder if I can get a refund on the money I've spent for co-hort class, even though it started already? Will I be able to get back into the pro-cert program? I have to do something in order to keep my job... and option two is waaaaayyyy easier.

Where am I going to fit another crib? Where am I going to get another crib? Shit, I have to buy another car seat? I wonder the Cuddler can move into the other car seat I have? I think he's still too little... ok, just checked and he's just made it past the cut off (or past it depending on who is doing the weighing). Can I do too babies? What about the dog? She is not going to be happy. I should probably clean up the living room (or giant toy box as it should be known). What if the baby needs a hermetically sealed house? Seriously, I am not that clean. What if the baby has to be fed through a ng tube or something every two hours? Where does one even find day care for such a child? Should I take materity leave? I have like a month of sick time built up... I wonder if I can use it? I may have an excuse to buy that minivan now!

There are about a million things running through my head at the moment and I can NOT reach my mother by phone! She is my medical encyclopedia and I can't even figure out which unit the baby is in because the PC doesn't use the same terminology as they do on TV.

Good and Bad Days

We all have them... some days it's enough just to see the cuddler's sweet smile and that way he puts his hand under his chin and tilts his head when looking at you and nothing else matters. My gosh it's so cute, it's overwhelming. Then there are days when you realize that this may be the last time you see that look, because he doesn't do it all the time and one day he could be gone. I hate those days.

After the meeting with the CW last week, I was having one of those bad days. I know there is no comparison between placements, but I kept comparing the Cuddler to Lala. Where she was this time last year and where will the cuddler be coming November... should I start saving up for Christmas presents? Lala's are still sitting in the storage room from last year... I guess I'll donate them this year. Or if the Cuddler is still here, maybe he can "give" them away to someone else.

I tell myself that I have to just go with the flow and not try to figure out what's going happen next... that it's an exercise in futility and saddness, but I'm here I am, still keeping one foot in reality and the other in fantasy.

secrets of the clothesline

I've written about the joys of my clothesline before... how green it is, how it saves me tons of money (seriously at least $20/mo.), yadda, yadda. I didn't, however, really know how to work it... I mean, it's a clothesline right? Pin the clothes to the line and let the wind do the work. How hard is that? Except the underwear question. No one wants their underwear hanging out for everyone to spy.

I know you are thinking, lord-luv-a-duck, could you not figure it out on your own? And I couldn't. It wasn't until I attended an OSPI conference session led by an Australian using the book The Terrible Underpants (which is hysterical, by the way). While an amusing story, the speaker also described how in Australia, where everyone uses a clothesline, the underwear are hung in the center of the Outdoor Clothes Dryer while the sheets or large towels are hung on the outer line so that all undergarments are hidden from street view.

Never even occurred to me before.

Birthday Party

The birthday party was quite a success! It rained, so BBQ was out, but the food was still good - at least, there was none left over... so it must have been good.

Although the guests got a lovely chocolate cake with custard filling, the cuddler got plain old pound cake. I did make it look like his own bathtub duckie, which was recieved with a smile. It turned out pretty good looking if I do say so myself. Maybe I should try to become a cake carver?

I wish I could post the "after" photos, because someone was covered with yellow frosting.

The big present... a fire truckwith a small motor. If the cuddler ever figures out how to actually push the button to drive it, I may have a heart attack. I'm thinking that when the battery runs down, I might just leave it run down. This, however, will mean that I have to push the darned thing around the yard.

Homestudy Meeting #1

Was finally done! I'm amazed!

It was much more in depth than my homestudy for China and a bit more personal... I was a little unprepared for that, but it's done.

Hopefully, number 2 will be done before the end of the month.

Homestudy

I was going to post this evening all about my first homestudy meeting - the one I've been waiting and waiting for - and, of course, something came up and it was canceled. Of course it was.

I'm working very hard not to become jaded about this... and to be honest, I just had to shake my head and laugh this morning when the appointment was canceled. Because it was just too good to be true.

Maybe I'm being tested for some upcoming challenge that will drive a normal person crazy?

Summertime and we're so full of energy!

Well, at least one of us is...

The last few weeks of school, I was knocked out by some kind of weird illness. I had to give up coffee, anything with sugar or aspartame and eat every 3 hours to stave off waves of nausea. Every one kept asking me if I was pregnant. I told them that sperm does not live that long and I had no visits from angels.

I also started getting these hiddeously painful headaches. Actually it was one headache that seemed to last for almost three weeks. Through process of elimination, I've decided that my neck is somehow causing the problem. I couldn't get an appointment for the chiropractor until the coming week, so I've been spending a lot of time laying on the floor to help with the pressue.

Of course, none of this has affected the cuddler at all. He's practicing his walking all over the place and luckily getting much better so no large bruises. He's also spending quite a bit of time outside - he still doesn't like grass, but sitting on a blanket is quite entertaining for him. His mother seems to be getting it together, so I'm trying to prepare myself for him to going home soon. It seems like I'm stuck going no where with this whole adoption thing and I'm really starting to consider just giving up. I can't make it happen and every where I turn it just another road-block and delay.

Summer Time

Last night someone had his first taste of strawberry ice cream! Apparently, it was a hit because there was a lot of lip smacking and whining when it was all gone. I'll have to remember that because a first birthday party is coming up soon!

 

Sadly, that's something I never got to experience with Lala. All thin liquids (including popsicles and ice cream) were strictly forbidden because the aspiration issues. As far as I know, she still hasn't outgrown it. She did like chocolate cake though... :)

Food

I just wanted to update you that the "baby lasagna" was and is a hit. It freezes beautifully and reheats better than the original. Seriously, it is a great idea.  Also, the chicken nuggets were a hit as well. I knew they would be, given than the Cuddler loves chicken, but apparently fried is even better.

 

He had his monthly visit with the CW last week and I'm starting to plan for him to go home just before Christmas. The hints she was dropping gave me the idea that this was likely. I trying to put all the doom and gloom out of my mind and remain positive. Of course, I do have this "non-specific anxiety issue"... which means whenver anything goes wrong I immediately think it's the end of the world. As long as I don't think too far into the future or ponder the fact that apparently, I'm meant to live in uncertainty, it's ok.

 

 

The Zoo!

Today the Cuddler and I went to the Zoo. He's a little too young, but the weather is gorgeous and it's a holiday weekend... so why not. Most of the animals weren't all that exciting to the Cuddler, but he did really like the underwater viewing of the beluga whale. It kept swimming in circles that included a rub of the window we stood at. And someone got over his dislike of grass enough to play on the big lawn for a while.

The area we live in is fairly rural. The zoo is a bit of drive away, but really not that bad. Heck, I commuted longer when I lived in NY. Sadly, most of my students have never left this area. They've never been a mall full of stores - our local "mall" (and I use that term loosely) is nearly empty. They've never been to a zoo, museum or seen a ballet. Although he's only 10 months old, the Cuddler has visited the zoo. We've been to the mall (he wasn't impressed). I think, however, we'll wait another month or so before hitting a museum. A few more years before the ballet.

Baby Lasagna

The other day I found a great baby vegitarian lasagna recipe... and it claimed to freeze well. Since The Cuddler isn't quite up to eating the same thing as me, I'm always wondering what to feed him for dinner. Plus he loves pasta.

 

The lasagna is made in a muffin tin. No lasagna noodles (does that mean it's not really a lasagna?), but there is the layering of foods. I used tiny seashell pasta and layered it with the sauce. The sauce was pretty basic. Tomato paste, chicken broth with grated carrot and zuchini. Even at baby stage we're sneaking those extra vegis in. Plus the zuchini was from garden last year, so I'm nearly self-sufficient! The sauce is layer with the past and some full-milk ricotta and mozzarella.

 

It was a little bland for me, but judging from the amount of sauce in the Cuddler's hair, it was a success. Tonight we'll be thawing out a frozen "cupcake"'s worth to try it from the freezer.

Adoption Homestudy

My prediction of getting the adoption homestudy done sometime in 2010 might just be true. I received an email today letting me know that it's possible that we may just get started in June.

At this point, I'm really hoping that this will be done before I my fingerprints expire- We're down to 10 months left on those expiring little suckers. Sadly, while the card may expire, my "porey" hard to get fingerprints won't actually change. Seriously, wouldn't it make more sense to dispense with the 12 month rule (saving the state millions) and instead have a computer flag a foster parent's liscense if they're convicted of a crime? Maybe alert the liscensor?

To Tell or Not To Tell

This Sunday, the Cuddler and I sat next to someone we hadn't met before... she remarked on how cute he was and how beautiful his eyes were and then said "he looks just like his mom!" For a moment I was a bit taken aback... because he does look his mom, who is not me. For about 15 seconds I was thinking "oh crap! did she recognize him? Is there going to be a scene?" before realizing that she was talking about me. Then I tried not to laugh because seriously, the Cuddler doesn't look a thing like me other than skin color - we're both pasty white. Then again, given that we live in an area where the sun shines less than a third of the year, almost everyone is pale and pasty.

I haven't told anyone at the church that the Cuddler isn't "my" child. I haven't been attending there for very long and when I walked in with him, many just made assumptions. I'm pretty sure that many believe I have a husband at home as well (a "church avoider"). No one ever asked and while there are people who do know, I'm guessing they're not gossipers.

How do you broach the subject with people who are aquaintences, but not really "friends"? Really it's none of their business and I don't want to breach the Cuddler's confidentiality by labeling him, especially if I do end up adopting him. Then again, am I "hiding" this information like it's something to be ashamed of... ?

Another funny story... I was talking to someone at the daycare about the Cuddler's huge feet. Like clown feet, is this kid. The consensus was that he's going to be very tall. Then her significant other asked "how tall is his dad?" as I was leaving and before I even thought about it I replied "couldn't tell ya" and walked out the door. Yah. I'm thinking someone went home scratching his head.

Food

The Cuddler is well into solid foods. In fact, he's almost refusing to eat babyfood... at least if someone else is trying to feed it too him. He's just starting to use a spoon - without much dexterity - but won't use a plate or bowl. They end up on the floor rather quickly.  The daycare has also reported that he often "feeds the dog" at lunch time (dropping food off the highchair tray and watching for the dog to eat it). At least at home, there actually is a dog so my mess is less.

 

Now that we're fully into the solid food stage, every night is a conundrum to figure out what to serve without too much crazieness or work. For myself, I'm a haphazard cook. I rarely see the meal as worth the dishes to complete it and sans child pretty much stick to frozen meals or random snacks. But I am trying to change that. Someone in my family has to have good eating habits and it might as well be the Cuddler.

 

I signed up for e-mealz just see if that would help. Basically, every week I download a new weekly menu with a shopping list. It's supposed to help with meal planning and food budgeting. While I don't follow it every day, it has made meal planning a little easier. As for the budget part, well some weeks are really cheap and others, not so much.

 

Last night was "spicy sloppy joes". I cooked the meat without the spices for the baby, but did leave the onions in for him. He also had his favorite (not!) green beans. Or rather, the dog had green beans. The dog's health is great by the way.

 

Tonight is home-made chicken nuggets with carrots. The cuddler does like carrots and loves chicken, so the dog might just have to settle for dog food.

10 Months Old

Tomorrow the cuddler will be 10 months old. He's standing up and squating down quite well, but still no walking. He's fully satisfied to walk on his knees or crawl where ever he needs to be. This has already caused him some consternation as one does have to touch the grass to crawl across it. You have to laugh when watching him balance on his hienny while desperately trying not to let any skin come into contact with the dreaded green stuff.

I also cannot convince him to drink out of a sippy cup for love or money. (ok, I never offered him money...) He's much more interested in dumping it out all over the place. He doesn't care about juice, water or even formula. He's also not that interested in drinking out of cups... I'm just dreading as to what is going to happen when the "ba-bas" have to go in a couple of months. Any ideas?

Another Month Gone By

Just another Saturday - that makes 25 months on the slow boat to China.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, it's raining again. We had a week of really gorgeous weather. It was so warm that I actually wore just a sweater to work, instead of the usual lon-johns-and-turtleneck-plus-a-coat-just-case outfit. Yes, it's really that cold almost all year 'round. Luckily, I stocked up warmer clothes for the cuddler. Otherwise he'd be freezing in sleeveless t-shirts and shorts... because that's all the stores are carrying. (and what is up with the fact that there are NO nice baby clothes for boys? No boy under the age of 4 needs anything but a onesie and jeans? Seriously wrong).

The cuddler won't be going anywhere soon. Apparently there aren't any relative placements in the works currently. So our vacation plans are off and running again. We'll be heading someplace warm (and get to wear those shorts!) and I'm literally counting down the days. It's also looking like there will be no summer school this year, so I'll have the whole thing off! It is a pay cut, but after this year, I soooo need the break from teenagers.

oh yeah! The cuddler is standing by himself! This may mean a summer camping trip!!! Walking babies are so much easier to camp with... trust me on this. Especially if you don't have an RV.

Cute Baby!

The other day, the cuddler and I were at the grocery store. As we neared the end of an aisle, I saw a gentleman quickly walking past - obviously trying to shop as quickly as possible. As he passed the aisle we were in, he screeched to a stop, turned around and said "cute baby!" and then speed off for the produce section.

A drive by compliment!

A Visit

Lat week, we had a visit with the cuddler's CW. Not much new information, but it's possible that a relative placement may have been found... apparently, this CW is sit back and wait for someone to tell me what's going on because "otherwise I can't be bothered" kind of person. The actual words she used were "I heard a rumor last week, but no one has contacted me with an update". Did I mention that every single thing this office does is completely compartmentalized? I can tell you that basically the CW is responsible for making sure that the cuddler is alive and well. Everything else is handled by someone else. Seriously.

This news isn't entirely welcome. I've always known that the cuddler was "temporary" but as time has gone by and no family member stepped up or appeared to motivated to do anything, I kinda let my mind think about the possibility of his staying. I suppose I should have kept myself on the fence for several more months.

Of course, it doesn't help that I keep reading blogs about people who find out rather quickly that they'll get to adopt their first placement. Seriously, isn't there anyone who rode the merry-go-round several times before striking it lucky?

I'm still on the list for a homestudy sometime near the beginning of the appocalypse. At least now I get to call every week to check on list. I can't decide if this means I'm moving up or what.

how many posts in this blog titled "waiting"?

I just got off the phone with the adoption worker assigned to me... I'm still at the bottom of the list for the homestudy. Call back next week. Apparently, the glacier is frozen in place.

 

In the meantime, the cuddler continues to do well. His last check up showed that he getting very tall (with his gianormous feet you had to figure...), keeping up his weight and doing everything he should be doing. His is supposed to have a visit tomorrow (after nearly a month of none) and then a visit with his CW. At least I got a email about it today, instead of hearing about it afterwards.

random questions

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my hands
2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
grey - they're all grey
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
no.
4. Do you plan outfits?
sort of - I try not to miss-match and generally only wear my fav combo of green and red during the holiday season
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
relaxed
6. What's the closest thing to you that's red?
the scarf on my grizzly bear christmas ornament/computer montior topper
7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I dream a lot, but don't really put effort into remembering unless it's really weird... like the time I a co-worker borrow my foot for her medical school disection assignment.
8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Luckily, no. But it's only the middle of the day. Usually all new students are dumped into my afternoon class.
9. What are you craving right now?
Lunch. I forgot to bring on.
10. Do you floss?
Yeah, but not as much as I should.
11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
cabbage rolls and soup
12. Are you emotional?
Yes.
13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
no.
14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick.
15. Do you like your hair?
yes, if it could only hold onto the dye for more than a week.
16. Do you like yourself?
most of the time
17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
eww. NO.
18. What are you listening to right now?
Students wandering into their classes.
19. Are your parents strict?
I know they like to think they were, but not really.
20. Would you go sky diving?
no. I didn't find paraponting that exciting, so I'm thinking that I wouldn't find sky diving that great either.
21. Do you like cottage cheese?
honestly, it's been so long since I've tried it, I really don't know.
22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
depends on what you mean by celebrity... do politicians count? The notorious?
23. Do you rent movies often?
well, I pay for Netflicks every month but I've had one movie sitting on my shelf for about 3 months.
24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
the snowman being built by the grizzly bear of the aforementioned christimas ornament.
25. How many countries have you visited?
7?
26. Have you made a prank phone call?
yes - hasn't everyone?
27. Ever been on a train?
many, many times. I like trains, it's a great way to travel.
28. Brown or white eggs?
brown
29.Do you have a cell-phone?
of course
30. Do you use chap stick?
rarely
31. Do you own a gun?
a water gun (actually two)
32. Can you use chop sticks?
yes
33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
the baby
34. Are you too forgiving?
I think no.
35. Ever been in love?
maybe
36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
going to work
37. Ever have cream puffs?
yes, once.
38. Last time you cried?
last night during that humane society commercial
39. What was the last question you asked?
what day will you all be here? (the seniors are a little sketchy when you have less than a month to go.
40. Favorite time of the year?
summer - because I'm freezing the rest of the year.
41. Do you have any tattoos?
yes
42. Are you sarcastic?
Is the Pope a Catholic?
43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
no - doesn't that have Ashton Kutcher? I dislike his acting.
44. Ever walked into a wall?
yes, about 30 minutes ago
45. Favorite color?
pink
46. Have you ever slapped someone?
yes, but not lately
47. Is your hair curly?
flat as a pancake. It's nearly impossible to get a curl.
48. What was the last CD you bought?
I do itunes
49. Do looks matter?
apparently so.
50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
no
51. Is your phone bill sky high?
no. I'm cheap like that.
52. Do you like your life right now?
at times - the adoption thing is very frustrating
53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
sometimes.
54. Can you handle the truth?
it depends what we're being honest about.
55. Do you have good vision?
Lord-luv-a-duck no! I'm nearly blind
56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
not really. I tend to forget about them after a week or so.
57. Do you talk on the phone a lot?
no - I've actually come to really dislike it.
58. The last person you held hands with?
can't remember... how sad is that?
59. What are you wearing?
jeans, turtleneck and fleece pull-over. my standard work outfit thanks to the near incessant cold air blowing in from the "heater".
60.What is your favorite animal?
dog
61. Where was your default picture taken at?
The Courtyard
62. Can you hula hoop?
I used to...
63. Do you have a job?
at the moment. Although I've been assured that it is unlikely that I will be RIF'd the state legislature did away with the initiative that pays for me...
64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Books, of course
65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
more than once.

Time...

Today I was asked to another child - I have the room, the kid walks, so I could handle it and the weather is nice enough to kick the dog out of house much more. I even have a new vacuum to get all that floating dog hair (shedding!!!)... and I had to say no. Why?

On Wed. I have to mail in a very important project for work. One that has an strict deadline and I'm not finished. It even has three pages of instructions on how to mail it! It's a commitment and I've spent a lot of time working on it. If it's not perfected and mailed by Wed. all that work is worthless. A new child and this deadline may just drive me crazy. It's two days away. Two stinking days... but they can't plop the kid in a spot for two days, obviously.

It's such a fine line to walk. On the one hand I have to keep my life going. I can't stop living my life. At the same time, I feel like most of the time I get calls for children exactly when something is already going on (out of town conference, major project, toilet explosion, etc.), where I just have to say "not now" and then spend the next two weeks wondering if that was one.

Happy Easter!

I wish I could post the Easter photos, but you'll just have to take my word for it... they're very cute! Everyone loved the Easter togs - especially the little argyle sweater vest.

Two Years

On March 29th, I officially hit the two year mark of waiting. It seems a little low when compared to those who are up in the thirties...

Following China

I still follow China on periphery level. Rumor Queen is in my blog reader and occasionally I get an email from my agency, but I haven't even read a group or forum post in months. What's the point? Do I really need to know which Kai Lan video is great? Honestly, if my LID day wasn't written on a piece of something in my paperwork folder, I'd forget what it is.

In the meantime, I'm still waiting to start homestudy number three. I did get a call and I'm fourth in line. At the moment. I could be bumped for someone with an actual adoptive placement in their home at any moment. Nice catch-22... those with pre-adoptive placements already in the home get first dibs on the SW's time, but I can't get a pre-adoptive placement until I finish this homestudy. I did feel a little selfish in wanting to be ahead of the family who've had their placement for four years before getting to this point. But then again, maybe a little selfishness is in order.

The cuddler continues to charm all those who meet him. And he finally got his first tooth! It's slowly making it's first appearance, but according to my cousin it's quite sharp. (he's also learning biting!) I tried to get him to eat some avocado pieces last night, but he wasn't having it. We'll be moving onto carrots pieces this weekend.

Any ideas on what to do for Easter? I'm really wanting to do the whole easter basket thing, but can't figure out what to put in it

False Alarm

Apparently, the visit was with a parent... not some random person from out of the blue, probably. And no one ever bothered to officially notify me of it. Or the cuddler's actual CW, for that matter. She was very surprised when I asked about it, but apparently unconcerned because she didn't really bother to find out who the visit was with for sure, since he was returned unharmed and all.

In the meantime, I'm still waiting for an adoption worker to call me. I'm not really being all that pushy at the moment since it's spring break and once school starts again, I'll be finding out if my job is going to eliminated or if someone who can take my job is having their job eliminated. After five years I'm still at the bottom of the list - two jobs have to eliminated, so it could very well be me. It's driving my anxiety up more than just a tick.

Not to be an Eyeore or anything, but, of course, there is another possible wrench thrown into the works. Although I am surprised that this didn't wait to happen until after I had the (3rd!) homestudy completed.

Just When I Was Starting To Get Used To The Idea...

"the cuddler" had a mysterious visit this morning - with who is currently unknown... does this mean they've found another family member? Maybe someone will let me know another day.

Meanwhile, my paperwork has been completed for a week now and no one has bothered to set up any appointments or even call about the actual homestudy. Maybe I should move my projections to some time in 2011.

Finally!

All the paperwork has been received (found!) and has been passed on to an adoption worker.  Since it took nearly five months for the paperwork to be completed, any guesses on how long it takes the adoption to call me for the first (of four!) visit? I'm officially guessing that the homestudy should be completed sometime around September.

 

In other news, I still have the cuddler. For how long, I don't really know. Word on the street indicates it might be awhile, but for whatever reason, I'm only being approved for care on a month by month basis. It could be that things are still up in the air, relatives may be on the horizon or the new computer system that was installed a few months ago. (Apparently, it's making everyone's life miserable. Big shock, I know.) As always, I'll just keep plugging away.

Flattery will get you nowhere...

Yesterday I got a call about another placement. Apparently, I was recommended because the placement in question is somewhat a special needs one. The placement coordinator had A LOT information and told me to "think about it"... ominous don't you think?

I had to turn it down for the simple reason that two non-walkers make logistics of living very hard. I realize that parents of multiples do it all the time, but right now it's not a good time for me to do that.

Passed Annoyed About A Month Ago

So, the state STILL does not have my medical form... despite it being faxed to them numerous times. My fingerprints STILL have not been spit back (my Lord in Heaven! you'd think they'd just print out the "no criminal history" form every month just in case I have to be fingerprinted AGAIN). And have I seen a single social worker for a visit? NO! And YES! I have to go through FOUR home visits even though I am a licensed foster home with current placements. That means this stupid paperwork that was started in NOVEMBER is not even close to being done and probably won't be done until sometime next November.

Two days ago I emailed the "paperwork" person (note: this is this person's sole duty. Gather papers.) to ask if I could physically carry the medical paperwork from the doctor's office to her office and hand it to her... since faxing seems to be way too difficult. Nope. They must fax it again. Can I hired a messenger service? Have them send it Fed-Ex? Nope. They must fax it again. Seriously, I want to scream.

Note that I've heard nothing about the fingerprints. Have they been accepted? I don't know. Are they being run? I don't know. Will I ever get to actually adopt a child? I don't know. But every day that passes makes me wonder just how likely it actually is.

No sleep

the cuddler, while cute and smiley, is NOT sleeping through the night. I wish I could nap... but for now, I have to settle for falling asleep by 8.30pm. In fact, I'm yawning my head off as I type this....

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23 months

Since there is no 29 this year...

Cuddles had his first trip to church today - he was so good! Of course, he could have had a screaming hissy fit, the kind that make your ears bleed and they would have been thrilled to see him. He was the youngest person there by about 30 years...

While there I suddenly realized that I'm almost in the exact same spot I was a year ago this time. Planning outings around nap times and wondering if I'll ever get an Easter where the basket can hold more than a large chicken...

Oh, yes. Cuddles loves chicken clucking. Hearing a chicken sound makes him laugh out loud and given that he's a baby boy, probably pee also. I found a rather large and overpriced chicken at the grocery store the other day and he loved it. I'm pretty sure I'll be buying it in April for Easter.

Also, does anyone have tips on what to do about peeing in the bathtub? Boys are just massive random urinators, but this child pees every time he gets a toe in the tub. EVERY TIME. How do you get clean wash water with this?

Napping

ah.. the life... time revolving around the nap schedule. Nothing is more sweet!

Last night, I took *the cuddler* to the basketball game. It was all an effort to keep him up to a decent time. For the past couple of days, he's fallen asleep at 6pm and, of course, waking up at 4.30 am. oof. So, a little more action that I can provide was needed. I played pass the baby with another teacher there and another fan entertained him with her jewelry. *the cuddler* loves bright shiny jewelry. Now, I just have to come up with something for today... the weather is nice, so I'm thinking a nice walk this afternoon and possibly a trip to the river. Or perhaps a trip to Olympia to visit friends.

People always ask me about his bio family and I always tell them I have no idea other than he's healthy enough for me to assume that someone loved him a lot. The next question is always as to whether or not if the state has told me anything. It's really easier to just to tell them "nope" and leave it at that. I don't want to break confidentiality and a lot of what I know is just supposition anyways. It does however, shock people that I would be expected to care for a child I know nothing about and perhaps it doesn't cast the state is a very positive light, but I just don't know what else to say... any tips?

We made it through the night - "the cuddler" did not really go to sleep until 11pm(!), but did sleep through the night until I woke him up at 6.30am (he was only lightly sleeping at that time). Tonight, he fell asleep at 6.45pm. I'm wondering how long it will last... but we will getting up much earlier tomorrow morning as "the cuddler" is starting daycare.

In the meantime, I've discovered that "the cuddler" loves to be held and cuddled. He's got one of those fantastic wide toothless grins that make people want to have a baby. Although he cannot sit up well, he's crawling everywhere he can. Why sit, when you can move? pretty much sums his playing attitude. He's already got us on our toes!

Brrrriiiinnng!

Just when I was telling myself not to feel sorry for myself and that I was already blessed... stop being bloody boring, I got a phone call.

I picked up a beautiful baby boy this evening. He was full of smiles all evening. Of course, he's now full of "I'm not sleeping and you can't make me". Thank God my mother was in town to help out. Otherwise I'd be going mad with amount of work I had planned on doing this evening that must be done.

On a high note, a boy means more shopping! Sadly, probably not much. I'm really hoping that a family member will step up soon. It's obvious to me that someone really loves this little boy and wanted to care for him.

Every morning I get up, go to work and basically live my life until noon. Then I get out my cell phone and turn it back on (we're not allowed to have them on while students are about) and watch it until it I have to put it away again. Once the students are gone, I pull it back out and watch it until 5pm.

Then I check off another day of waiting and start the clock on the next one.

I'd say that life sucks, but really it doesn't. I, apparently, just want to obsess on the phone ringing.

Closer?

categories

when someone signs up for "foster-to-adopt" they are licensed as a foster parent and do all the adoption stuff to. Usually people do this in hopes of being matched faster or adopt a child that may be not likely to be available. Like a baby. As a licensed foster parent, you can have a child placed in your home before they are legally free to be adopted. This is where risk comes in... the higher the risk the greater the chance that the child will be reunified with a birth parent or other family member.

In the highest risk category, every child that is placed in the home is on track to reunified with their bio-parent or family member. They are on that track until they aren't. The foster parent has no control over this at all and in all ethical and moral ways needs to support that goal as best they can without jepardizing anyone's safety.

While the caseworker may tell the foster parent that the child will probably become available for adoption, I was told emphatically during my PRIDE classes that the same caseworker is telling the bio-parent they can work the case plan and get their child back and/or searching for other family members. That knowledge is always lurking in the background and has to be treated with respect before jumping in the pool.

FWIW, the lowest risk is basically a straight adoption, it just moves a little faster than the court system. Since the adoptive family is already a licensed foster parent, the child can be moved to the adoptive home a little quicker. Not being one of these, I really don't know how much of a difference it makes.

Also -> none of this applies to private agenies, states other than mine or cross-state adoptions.
Last -> I was told by a reader that my state will no longer do "foster-to-adopt", again, I'm NOT and expert, and each county sets it's own rules... probably each office. Who knows.

Take everything with a grain of salt

Annoyed

Today I broke down and emailed the placement coordinator to ask why I hadn't received any calls in the last two months. He, of course, called back me immediately. Such, the used car salesman! Always wanting to keep people as happy as he can... because you never know what is around the corner.

 

Anyhoo... while talking with him, I find out that A. I was previously categorized in the most risk category... and B. all placements that aren't all that risky go directly to the adoption workers... not people on the list. Since I'm not currently ON the adoption list (still haven't heard word one since early Dec.), of course, NOONE WILL CALL ME. Ahhhh... the light bulb turns on.

 

So, first, I changed back to the most risk category. Yeah, it's sad when kids go home, but at least the new one will be a distraction and I do get over it. At least with positive updates, I do. (Lala is doing well, and I trust the people at her new daycare) Second, I emailed the adoption workers. I'd call, but I'm way better in emails (I can write "grovel" better than speak it) and usually everyone's voice mail is so packed that it takes hours to go through them, let alone begin the return calls.

 

Hoops, hoops and more hoops.

In Stores Now!

Apparently, I'm in a hopefull mood because I spent most of the day hanging around E*- bay... so far I've purchased two lots of clothing (one is a really cute dress with a pink monster on the front) and I'm just waiting now for bumbo auction to end. I have no idea if I'll ever need one, but if I do, I'll be prepared. And they really are very handy if your baby cannot sit upright by him/herself.

Sometime next week a horde of boxes will be slowly making their way to my doorstep. Hopefully, they won't be waylaid by more floods and bad weather.

Speed Up and Down

So, there was a rumor that the number of people referred for an adoption from China had increased significantly this month... and now there are several new rumors that that really isn't true. I know that some people are really hoping it is and I'll admit that I went and checked my special savings account this morning and added more money to it... but I'm sorry to say that if I'm on this ride it ain't going to go go fast. I am one of "those" people for whom things just don't go quickly or according to plan. Sorry.

 

Last night I had a quick chat with the placement coordinator for my "area" - and lucky me, if I want to take in teens I can have three right now! Then we talked about high school history classes. Yah. So no news on that front either.

Meanwhile...

I really like elipses. Really, really. Just to let you know...

I decided to leave my "designation" as possible adoptive placement - which is what it was (probably)... I re-read the email several times, and did a lot of soul searching... wrote a bunch of really painful, "pity-party" posts (which you I'll spare you from reading) and it really came down to being honest with myself. I'm still grieving the loss of Lala. And I worry about her all her time. Sometimes I even cry. Some days I curse fate. Some days I curse myself... it's all a process I guess. To me this means that "whatever goes" category, just isn't for me. The alternative end isn't either... since I'm sure to go insane waiting that long.

So, I'm waiting again. And really working to distract myself from looking at the phone. Luckily, there are lots and lots of blogs to read.

p.s. today I found an very interesting looking children's consignment shop. I didn't go in, but I did make a note of it's location for future reference. they had a totally cute little skirt and sweater in the window...

decisions, decisions, decisions

For that last month and half, I've receive no phone calls from the placement office. That seemed strange as the holidays are stressful for everyone and those with bad coping skills would seem to make worse choices... but nada. I emailed my licensor to find out what I was categorized. Apparently, our placement desk does pay attention to such things. I'm currently categorized as only getting calls for pretty much an adoptive placement. Which means never. Especially since I've still heard nothing from the adoption workers and apparently their department was cut by half at the beginning of the year.

I could leave it like that and just wait for an adoption worker to call me, probably sometime in Feb or March. After all, waiting is something I've become pretty good at after three years. Then I would probably have to wait some more and who knows how long that would be. Could be a week, could be another year.

I could change it to another designation. One choice is change it "more than likely would become an adoptive placement". This is a somewhat sketchy category. What appears in the initial intake is not what will be the next month or 6 months down the road. After all Lala was one of those who initially seemed pretty likely, but obviously wasn't as time went on. The other category could be termed "call me, what happens, happens". This might be for the people who truly believe that God has a plan for everything and fate is absolute. Honestly, I have real problems with that theory and it probably isn't the category for me.

However, I also problems with the "more than likely" category. Obviously, it's a not a done deal and will be very painful when the knife cuts the other way. I don't know if I can that again. At the same time, I don't know how much longer I want to sit around waiting for a phone call that seems to never come.

Last Weekend

Just two and half more days left until it's back to school... are you ready? Have you been snowbound so long that your cabin fever has turned in cabin insanity? Me neither.

I'm still attempting to organize my "project room". The biggest stumbling block is my paperwork. Lord have mercy, does it pile up. I need to figure out some way to organize them and a way of discern what is important and what is not. Yesterday I found credit card bills from 1997...

So my goal for this weekend is to figure out what to do with all of these papers and get rid of what is not needed. My other goal for the weekend is to finish quilting a baby quilt that's been held together with gigantic safety pins for the better part of a year.

My real resolution for 2009? Finishing!

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I went to the mall today...

Spent $9 on a new pair of pants and a new skirt (great sale!) and then left. I did not stop at Gymboree, Baby Gap and even my favorite crackhouse store, The Children's Place. They all had 70% off sales. I also did not stop at Cold Stream Creamery, but that's another fight altogether.

Now if I can just get past that damn Sarah McLaughlin ASP commercial without crying.

21 months

another Christmas down.

My Christmas wish this year is that we all have our children with us next year. And use this!

Vacation...

I don't know why I was so looking forward to the holiday break... so far I've read more information about RAD, child abuse and adoption fiascos than I really needed to to be able sleep well at night.

I really need something else to do.

Lazy Sunday

This morning my mother called at 9am, shocked to find that I was barely awake.

"You always get up early" she accused.

Well, I don't really have a reason to get up early, do I? It's been snowing for days now and everything is covered with a thick sheet of ice. Plus the town doesn't actually own a snow plow or any other implements of snow/ice removal (seriously - they don't!). Not that I should talk, I don't actually own a snow shovel myself. And in the spirit of saving money, I'm just going to wait it out, rather than attempt to buy one. So, no place to go and nothing to do... why not sleep in?

No news...

I emailed Lala's case worker to pass along my cell phone number so that I could drop off a Christmas present, but so far I've received no reply or phone call. I'm still trying to decide if that is a good thing or not. I'm pretty sure that I'll burst into tears at saying goodbye to her again, especially since I'm nearly crying just thinking about it. At the same time, I really want to see her again...

I know this blog has become somewhat of a downer, but really it's become somewhat of a shout-out to an unfair universe. Hopefully, it will be all sunshine and smiles again soon.

Making Choices

Sara Solitaire wrote a post recently about attending a pre-adoption seminar. Basically, they scared the crap out of her and heartily discouraged her from even thinking she could adopt a baby.

I hate that. Not that I think everything should be roses and sunshine in these types of adoption seminars; just the continued portrayal of adoption as this easy thing that could be done by anyone, if only we would all stop being such selfish, lazy people. Hell, last night I watched a Christmas movie in which two young children (Santa believer age) ran away from their evil SW and somehow hooked up with a kind-hearted con man. The kids, seemed to have few issues, despite the loss of their parents, having lived in three different foster homes in less than a year and having lived on the streets for a week. At the end of movie, the con man was able adopt the children (and inherited 20 million). Before you say "oh, no one believes those movies", our local CPS office is advertising for adoptive parents in the local newspaper by printing a fake letter to Santa supposedly written by a child waiting to be adopted. How many people will show up for an information night to get the same experience as "Sara"?

Lure them in with cuteness and society belief that SW are tossing children into cars of people who drive too close - then hit them with the "we only have teenagers and kids with problems, so if you're here to adopt a baby, be ashamed of yourself. We need to you adopt these kids, even if it's not right for you."

I'm really glad that "Sara" has been posting about her journey, because it has made me take a closer look at what I'm doing and how I'm handling it. I have to believe that somewhere there is a child for me and the journey to get there is just going to make it even more precious. It's also making me realize that I have to accept the fact that this journey will be fraught with periods of pain and hopelessness as well as joy and peace. It's obviously my fate to have a long one, anyways.

Phone Calls

You know, the one good thing about China is there is a somewhat predicatable wait line. There's no point in wondering if I'll get a call today because it's unlikely to happen for a few more years.

 

In working with the state, it's a total gamble. Every morning I have no idea what number is going to up. This means that every time the phone rings, it could possible be the placement coordinator calling me to place a child. It could the local car dealer desperate to sell me a car. It could some poor Indian woman telemarketing... answering the phone is like pulling the lever on the slot machine. Most of the time it's car dealer or telemarketer, but I keep pulling because eventually a row of sevens is going to come up.

 

The placement coordinator called my cell phone during class this morning. I saw the phone number come up as a local number... but in order to play fair to my students I hit the ignore button. See what a good teacher I am? Also, if it was the placement coordinator, he/she would move to the next number listed for me. My desk phone. Which I am allowed to answer during class.

 

Three seconds later, it rang. My heart started to flutter... and he/she was calling to confirm that I don't have any placements currently. Not that there are any kids available or coming in or "it looks like...", just a status check.

 

oh, well, tomorrow is a pull of the lever.

Paperwork Recieved

One positive thing about working with my local county. It only took a simple email to find out if my paperwork was received - no packages, no hints from people "in the know"... just an email.

Of course, all I got was confirmation that it was received. What happens now is anyone's guess.

Meanwhile, I made my first batch of christmas cookies. Tomorrow is the staff xmas party and I'm taking homemade wine and cookies. I got a new phone that I'm in love with and half of my house is ready for guests. My christmas cards were shipped to me today and hopefully will be mailed out this weekend. Time moves on and you either go with it or watch it go by.

Trying to stay busy

weekends are soooooo long when your missing someone...

Today I started sorting out Lala's clothes and toys. Instead of "doesn't fit" vs. "does fit" back into their marked sizes and age appropriateness. It's been hard to go back into her room, but as it's been nearly two weeks, I figured it was time to start clearing things up. Can't leave the car seat sitting in the living room for the rest of my life.

I also started preparing for the holidays. Apparently my family will be coming here and I need space for the visitors. Plus, I will be doing the SW-clean-house-dance again for the third time. I'm beginning to associate Christmas with social workers.

When I realized that Lala was truly going home, I emailed my foster-care lisence person to find out how I got other SW to think of me when placing a child for potential adoption. The reply was that I needed to submit paperwork to become an adoptive home. Which I thought I was, but it would seem not. The paperwork I had to fill out? Yup. The same stuff I've filled out the previous two times. Luckily, I have it saved in a file on my computer and photo copies of everything. It was just a matter of adjusting and copying. I mailed out the paperwork on Friday - it should arrive on Monday, where I'm sure it will sit on someone's desk for another week or so.

I think I've become jaded and bitter to whole thing.

Seven Random Things

1. My Christmas tree has a really ugly stand. And I'm really tired of staring at it every holiday because there are never any presents around it.
2. I always watch Santa's progress via the NORAD tracking center.
3. I was really crabby this Christmas and refused to let my mother watch "It's a Wonderful Life" because it's not.
4. I think I've seen just about ever episode of House, thanks to the endless tv marathons.
5. I really need to finish painting the living room and the thousand other little jobs I should finish.
6. I may just about be hitting my limit on how much sugar one person an ingest in a month.
7. my life has become very boring... and it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better.

Through Review

Apparently, I am through review. No questions were asked of me, so everything must have passed inspection.

Only five more years to go.

Also, the orphanage fee was raised to $5090 (US)... whoopy.

Grieving

It suddenly dawned on me yesterday that I've been grieving for Lala for that past week... I know it sounds obvious, but for some reason for me it just wasn't.

I left for Thanksgiving and kept myself busy with family and shopping (and purchased gifts for Lala; why? because I just had to), but when the work week started I just kinda fell into a pattern of nothingness. I haven't done the dishes since coming back because no one needs to have their favorite sippy ready; no one cares if the floor is dog hair free; no one needs me to cook dinner... I pretty much get home, read the paper (all three pages) and then fall asleep on the couch.

Sleeping nearly 12 hours a day probably is a bad sign.

The sun is shining today and I'm hoping to get myself out of this funk and back into some sort of routine or at least start caring about things around the house.

20 months

tomorrow...

is the day. I'm dropping Lala off in the morning and she'll be taken to her bio-mom's residence after that. I keep hoping that some last minute miracle will occcur, but I know it won't.

Part of feels that glad for the bio-mom, but mostly it's hard to keep it together. I'm hoping that I won't burst into tears at work...

Treading Water

I made it through the weekend. Painted and started to put down a new kitchen floor. Purposefully kept myself distracted with projects instead of wallowing. I did allow for one pity party and apparently, I will no longer get any joy from bookstores. Or perhaps, I just need to find a better one. Or wait for better books to come out.

By Tuesday, it was hard not to speed to pick Lala up. And yet, when I did it was strange. She really did not feel like "my" baby any more. It was bit like picking up a stranger's baby. Of course, she totally ignored me for the first 10 minutes. No eye contact, no response to my talking to her... obviously she was not happy that I had "abandoned" her. She eventually got over it, but she's been pretty clingy since. And who can really blame her?

It's possible that this is the last week with Lala. It's also possible that next week will be... it's maddening how vague all the wording is even when making a plan. Not even, vague as in "if nothing goes we'll do x"... but more like "so then the following weekend..." which leaves me wondering which following weekend? it is; the one starting on the next day? or one following that?

19 months

and holding...

Today I finally got a call from Lala's case worker about going home. She'll be leaving tomorrow to go on a "weekend visit". That means no little one around for Halloween, which sucks.

Also, it really sucks that I can't be Cleopatra anymore. DeNile will have to become just another river for me. Part of me is seriously wondering why I'm doing this at all... and why I thought I could do this at all? Because every option just leads to more disappointment.

Yes, it's worth when you finally cross the finish line, but I am tired of the marathon.

Going Home

Lala's case worker told me this week that Lala will be going home at the end of the month or beginning of November. Apparently the mom told the new daycare (same system) that it would be Oct. 26th. I don't even get a Halloween.

I'm trying to maintain happy thoughts. Yesterday I purchased a Christmas Carol signing dog that she had seen at a store and loved. There's no point in waiting. I even flirted with the idea of putting the tree up... but in the end decided it would be too hard to take it down after she left.

I'm trying to decided if I need to just have a good cry and get it out or wait until she's gone. I'm also trying to decide if I really want to do this any more. It seems like every road I take has some sort of horredous block. I tried the waiting to get married thing - except I never found anyone to marry (or that I could at least put up with... and don't think I didn't think really long and hard about what I could put up with). I researched every adoption avenue, and thought that China was a good bet, scraped the money together and then watched the wait lengthen to nearly a decade. I went to foster-care gott this baby who is perfect for me and she'll be gone in a matter of days. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something that I won't listen to and until I accept it, I'll just keep getting hurt.

I won't actually stop. I knew that it was a good possibility that Lala would go home. I've known it for months. It's just hard to keep the little flicker of hope lit. And I need to have a little pity party.

And seriously, couldn't I be the person who deals with loss by NOT eating? The not sleeping thing is detrimental to my health and students... and I'm probably going to gain another 10 pounds.

18 Months

Gone by... and still counting.

Lala is growing by leaps and bounds and still NOT walking! At least not by herself. The other day I went to pick her up from a visit with her family- the driver said that she was blowing kisses, a skill that she's had for several months. Then he said that she had been walking too! I have to admit that my heart fell. I really wanted to see her walk first... it's such a big milestone. When we got home, however, I realized that he meant that she was walking while holding a hand or "couch surfing". Or she's just stubborn and won't walk for me because she knows I'll catch her... either way still no pitter-patter little feet without assistance.

The whole thing was a hint of what's to come, I suppose. Currently the plan is that sometime soon Lala will be going home to her family. While that could change, this is the current plan and I have to go with it. Some times I'm ok with it... I know that it's a good thing when kids are reunited with their families. Other times I'm wondering how I'll get through it. A lot of time I really worry about how Lala will be living. It's something that has to taken on faith I guess.

And yes, there are times when the whole process would speed up, so we all can move on.

Projections

Have you SEEN the latest projections? If not, please don't. It's more than depressing.

Good God almighty... I now see the plan. The plan is just to take so long in getting referrals out that either everyone will switch to special needs or just drop out. Seriously, it's the only explanation I can think of...

17 Months

gone by... in the original plan I should be waiting excitedly for my referral. Instead, I'm not even thinking I'll get one for another 3 to 4 years. Oh well. "The oft laid plans of mice and men.." and all that jazz.

In meantime, I've learned how to take a car seat completely appart to wash out vomited milk out of the nooks and crannies. It's taken two days so far and I'm still waiting for the final smell test. Yuck.

Twilight Series

At the beginning of the last school year, my students started telling me about this book they were reading. More than a couple of students. It was a great book they claimed and best of all... it featured good ol' Washington. Forks, WA to be exact - which is just about 20 miles east of the end of the earth. Seriously. My great uncle and aunt lived there for many years. There is nothing out there. Of course, this makes it the perfect setting for the book. Remote and rainy.

The book was, of course, Twilight. Another two books soon followed. The poor librarian had to hide a copy so I could read it. I try to read all the books that several students are raving about. Even kids who don't like to talk about reading, LOVE to talk about books they think are fantastic. And the series is good. There's undying love (which every teenager believes they are either in or have been thwarted at). There's fighting, death and gore. And it rains all the time. I think this fact makes it much more relatedable to my students. It rains all the time here too! The main character doesn't describe herself as beautiful. In fact, she believes she's a doof. Of course, those around her don't. Again, all the insecure girls reading see themselves (and they're all insecure). All the boys would like to think of themselves as something incredibly irresistable but slightly scary - much like the main male character. FWIW, I've seen just as many boys reading this as girls.

The latest book Breaking Dawn. It was released August 2nd. I drove to the nearest bookstore and bought it. Because of the baby it took me two days to read it. They aren't complex stories, literarily speaking. They are entertaining, though. This last book, much like the final Harry Potter, wraps everything up with a couple of twists. I was nearly done with the second section when it dawned on my what one of the biggest twists was going to be. I actually said "no way!" outloud and giggled. If a book makes you talk outloud to yourself, it's good.

Fingerprint Appointment

In two weeks, I'll be heading up to Seattle to get my fingerprints done for my renewal.

I sent a letter to my agency to ask if I should send a copy of the letter to show that I'm in the process of renewing. The reply I got was "CCAA is not requiring a current I-171H at this time". Gee, that's a little different than the response I got 3 months ago when I asked about whether I needed this or not.

Since the check was cashed, I guess the writer felt it acceptable to tell me specific information, rather than vague generalities. And since they were denied Hague status (again), I can't even go the special needs route. Not that I was totally planning too, but I am irked.

Reprieve

Yesterday I got the news that Lala will not be going home in September. Apparently, I misunderstood - and September would be an evaluation time. ohhhhh.... well, that two is out the window. Lala's bio-mom made a choice that could be a minor set-back or turn into a Dr. Phil special episode. The jury is still out. However, this does mean that Halloween is a definite and probably Thanksgiving. It's crazy to me that she made this decision, even if it turns out not to be that big of a deal, because it definitely sets the whole reunification schedule back by months.

I was also asked if I would take one of Lala's older sisters (7). I'm still thinking... it's a scary proposition. The possible behaviors, juggling two kids and a full load of honors courses (teaching)... and the laundry. But at the same time, I feel really guilty in saying no, knowing that Lala only spends a few hours a week with her siblings and doesn't have much interaction with them. It's still a debate.

Mailed

I sent in my free renewal form... now, just waiting for a receipt. And, of course, the renewal.

A little stab of fear

This morning I got a call from the transporation service that carries Lala to her visits with her birth mother. She goes twice a week and usually keeps them - at least Lala goes most of the time. I'm actually not sure how many "mom" makes, since I get no information about what happens at these visits. I know she goes even if "mom" doesn't go because she has siblings that also attend. WA state law requires that children in foster homes who are separated from siblings get at least one visit per week with each other.

Tomorrow Lala will be gone quite a long time because she is going to "mom's" house. That means no supervision at all... I'm afraid that somehow either Lala won't get anything to drink or (more likely) will be given drinks/foods that she can't have. I think it may have already happened - Lala has been coughing and pretty raspy since a couple of weeks ago when she came home with red liquid stains on her dress. Of course, it could just be my over sensitive worry barometer.

This news also makes her going home a little more real. That's just too sad to think about, but I really have to prepare myself for it. The move day has been pushed back by a month, but it's still only two months away.

Busy Month

July started out with a bang - on the 30th, Lala was diagnosed with dysphagia. It means that she has problems swallowing. Thin liquids (water-like) to be exact. This is why she was sick for most of the winter and why she had recently stopped drinking formula. Apparently, she is smarter than everyone else, knew what was wrong and decided to take care of the issue herself since we (myself, doctors, everyone else she came in contact with) didn't seem to be figuring it out. There really isn't a cure... we just have to thicken all of her liquids to thin gel-like substance. The technical term is "honey thick". She seems to be doing ok, but she's got another cold. We have a follow up with her primary care doctor, so we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, summer school started. Yay. Unfortunately, the local juvenille judge heard of the class and is forcing a few kids to go. Always fun to teach the belligerant who rank you the same as Juvie. (yes, they have 20 hours free... but teenage brains don't work like that. In 10 to 15 years, you'll all understand. Pray now.)

I should get my homestudy update on Tuesday and have it mailed out to USCIS that day. I think I finally choose a color for the living room. Got a bid for new counter tops... over $2000 for the labor alone. I think I'll be sticking with the current ones for a little while longer.

Crawling and Hilarity

Lala is definitely crawling around. This has not only opened a new world to her, but has greatly increased her curiosity. The other day she was playing with the folded clothes and somehow got tangled up in my bra. It was hard to not to laugh while she struggled to pull it off. I'm still not sure how she got it on.

She made it through the 4 day absence seemingly ok. Last night I came home (she was dropped off to my mother) and picked her up - she immediately started bawling like she was scared of me. That almost broke my heart. Eventually, she started smiling and playing, although she was very tired.

Today I left to run to the post office and my mom said that after I left, she crawled over to her blankie, wimpered and sucked on the tag. I wonder if she thought I wouldn't be back? Anyhow... no more traveling for me.

I started the process to update my I-171H. I'm hoping the update will be here just after the holiday and I can mail it in. I'm currently at 15 months and holding.

Traveling

Next week I'm off to a conference in the big city of Seattle (actually Bellevue). It's four days long and I can't take Lala with me. Last time I had to go away, I called for respite and looked forward to spending my nights sleeping blissfully. It didn't really work out like that and I missed her a lot.

This time I'm already missing her and I'm not leaving until next week. I'm still trying to get my mother approved, but it looks like Lala will be heading to respite again. I'm worried that she'll be scared to be spending so much time with strangers - I mean, the dog freaks out and misses me like crazy, I can only imagine what Lala will be feeling. After all, she's lived with me for longer than anyone else in her short life. We're going over to the respite house on Sunday to do a meet-n-greet. Lala isn't always so good with strangers. People still always ask me if she talks - "yes, it just a while for her to warm up."

Plus, I'm totally dreading packing all the clothes, diapers, toys, blankies, food and night time CD and taking them over to the respite house.

On the other hand, I'm thinking it might be good for me. It's a big probability that Lala will go home at the end of the summer and I know it's going to be hard. This trip is like a dry run.

ok, I may have miscounted..

Actually, I think the I-171H expires in July... this would be a lot easier if they put an expiration date on the damn thing. I realize that they're not used to multi-year waits, but don't government workers live for that kind of stuff.

Obviously, my previous reaction was such that made me realize that I am a bit more invested in this China thing... so I emailed my agency about updating my homestudy on Wed. They haven't written back. Maybe it's a sign. I just dunno any more.

doing better...

Maybe it was the loverly pressies from my secret pal or the look on Lala's face when I showed her the linking bath toy (caterpillar), but I'm feeling more calm. Or at least the world isn't crashing around me at the moment.

In keeping with my whole "control what you can - let go of what you can't" life philosophy I'm trusting that what is meant to happen will. What I can control is that Lala is loved, safe, clean, well-fed and encouraged to grow healthy and happy. Also, she wears some really cute outfits.

If only it would start heating up to something over 60 degrees. All those cute summer dresses are starting to mold in the closet. Stupid rain.

Bad Day

In looking over my paperwork, I discovered that my I-171 will expire next week. I know I keep saying I wasn't going to renew, but somehow the fact that it's expired for all intents and purposes, comes as a blow. It's done. It's over.

I think it's more of a blow because I've started telling people that Lala will probably be going home at the end of the summer. Maybe sooner, maybe later... but for now the plan is in motion for her to go home. I could tell the people I told at lunch were a bit shocked at my casualness, but I've known for almost a month and somehow convinced myself that "it's ok."

Next week I have to take Lala to respite while I attend a conference in Seattle. This is what is really making it all come to head. I can't think of a week without seeing her. What if she starts to walk? What if she takes off crawling? She's moving, but not very fast or far.

It's just all coming to a head in short space of time.

Almost Crawling

I think I may have to buy some baby gates really soon... Lala's ten month birthday was yesterday and she's just about ready to take off. She's finally figured out that she needs to pick up her hind end. The only thing left to figure out is how to move forward. Backwards scooting is down pat.

Yesterday, as I was doing the dishes, I heard a squawk coming from the living room. I looked over, but couldn't see Lala. I walked around the corner and discovered her stuck under the coffee table. Apparently she scooted backwards underneath in a sitting position. She couldn't figure out how to go forward to get out. If she hadn't been squawking to get out, I would have taken a photo. Hysterical.

I'm sure there will be more to come.

Walking the dog

since Lala arrived, the dog has been a bit ignored. Ok, more than a bit. But I want to fix that, and possibly stop the impending expansion of my ass. So for the past three days we've gone on a walk in the afternoon. I know I should take her out in the morning too, but seriously that's just not going to happen while I'm working.

The goal is to make to 30 days and make it a habit. Also, to stop buying ice cream.

14 Months

Another anniversary. Still not out of review - still wondering if I will make it...

Reading

I've been trying to read A New Earth - it's slow going. Lala takes up a lot of time and what little time I have left over, I use to keep up the grading (I really have to stop assigning so much work - it's such a pain the ass to grade).

Anyhoo, one thing that has stayed with me so far is the idea that life is suffering. I don't mean that in a "oh whoa is me" kinda way, but rather that things aren't going work out like I've planned. It isn't meant to be easy and sometimes bad stuff happens. It's like saying why not me? I mean, would I really be able to choose someone else to carry my burdens? And whose would I pick up? Nothing is perfect and I have been blessed with some many things that others pray for every day.

That's part of the reason why I love reading other people's blogs. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this journey - other people struggle and they succeed or they don't, but there life doesn't end. Neither will mine. I watch Lala play on the floor and think to myself that she is the most beautiful baby there ever was and I hope that when the time comes for her to go home we both can handle it and that she will remember the love and safety that she felt here. I'm sure it will hurt like heck, but I know I can carry my own burdens and my life will go on.

Not the news I wanted...

Lala will probably be going home by the end of the summer.

It's taken a few days to fully process all the information - I suppose there is a minuscule chance that she won't go home, but somehow it feels wrong to hope for that. Instead I guess I'll just keep going each day... and really, I know there are a lot of people who give anything for the short months that I've had. I got a mother's day card. I bought an Easter dress. I've already bought a 4th of July dress. And maybe I'll get a first birthday squeezed in.

In the meantime, Lala was referred to a pulmunologist. We drove all the way to the very large city not-so-near-by and got nada. She was perfectly healthy while there - no "crackling", no darth-vader like breathing. We have to go back in a couple of months for another evaluation after having a swallow study. It's possible that she's been aspirating food and that's causing repiratory infections. Of course, given the past history, she'll do fantastic and we're back at square one.

This morning we went to day care as usual. An hour and half later, Lala had a fever of 102 and I had to leave work to pick her up. Her regular doctor said, "this may just be a regular day care virus for once." No ear infection, no lung "crackle", no snot. At least I got about a 5 day weekend.

Specialists

The doctor's appointment yesterday went very fast - no ear infections, definately no allergies, but there is something wrong. Apparently, babies are not supposed to sound like Darth Vader or have a near constant stream of snot coming out of their noses. Who knew? Everyone else told me they were...

So we're off to see some lung specialists and a "swallow test". It's suspected that Lala has large adnoids (just like mom and grandma... who says adopted kids get nothing from adoptive parents), although she could have asperated food. The manager of the daycare told me the story of a young boy who was constantly sick with breathing problems. Finally, at age 2 (!!!), doctors discovered a mass in his lung, operated and found a piece of popcorn. It had been there for over a year! So now, I'm slightly worried about possible cheerios, but more than slightly worried about french fries (her diet at 4 months! :( I'm also slightly relieved that it's not allergies, we're back on antibiotics, and that something will be figured out.

The specialists visit requires a day off and a trip to the big-big city. I was really hoping to have a month where I didn't take a day off... but at least this way I can assure my TA's that we'll get decent sub who pays attention. You'd be surprised at the number who feel it's perfectly acceptable to read the entire time.

9 Month Birthday

Lala is definitely expressing herself now! She's babbling loudly all the time and has no problem doing it in front of strangers now as long as I'm with her. She's become quite vocal at church, especially if the minister is talking. Hey, if she can talk, then Lala should be able to, too! I think she may have said her first word the other day - "crap!". I'm hoping it was just a combination of babbling and my imagination. All I have to do is shake the container with Puffs and she starts to do this funny little happy dance. She also does it in the morning if she's really hungry and sees her bottle. It's quite cute.

Unfortunately, she hasn't been hungry for the past few days. I think we're into yet another ear infection. Since the last antibiotic ended on Monday, I'm worried. We're off to the doctor tomorrow, so I'm sure she'll be fine. What I'm really worried about is A) her SW will show up to take her away because she's basically had an recurring ear infection since January or B) they'll discover that she's allergic to dogs... and yah. I dont' think I could get rid of my dog, especially for something so uncertain.

At this time, I still have no idea if Lala will be staying with me after Memorial Day. I can speculate all I want, but no one has really given me any updated information. I keep telling myself that a call could come at any moment saying that the SW will pick her up at 3 and that's it. Kinda scary...

13 months

I'm still in the game. Just floating along in some sort of neither-land. I noticed that Department I has reviewed through Dec. 31, 2006. Can they get through March before my I-171H needs to be renewed? My agency is about as helpful as a 3rd leg. Their response to my query as to whether I needed to renew was "everyone needs to decide what is right for them." In other words, we have no fricking clue as to what is going on; do what you want and don't even think of blaming us for the outcome."

And since there seems to be revolving door for employees, I'm probably lost in the suffle. And I guess, I'm comfortable with that.

Yet Another Antibiotic

Yep, we're on number four! This time, the Dr. mentioned the possibility of "tubes"... new territory for our family. We are a family that is seemingly immune to ear infections (knock on wood). Neither I, nor my brothers, nor my nephew has ever had an ear infection. Lala has had four in four months. We're literally at the Dr's office every week. Sigh.

Other than that, things are going along swimmingly. This past week, I had to go through Lala's clothes to weed out those that no longer fit. She's growing like a weed and changing from day to day. Her true personality shows itself every day - she's very independant and is just going to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it.

A Month gone by...

it's amazing how fast time goes... I keep thinking I need to update my blog, and then something comes along to distract me. So here's a quick bullet list to update y'all...

• Lala is sitting up very well and doing some incredible stretching to reach her toys. She would make all of my dancers incredible jealous with her flexibility.
• Since she can stretch herself so far, she does not see the need to start crawling.
• Lala can stand up by herself, but cannot get into that position by herself. She does recognize the commands "stand" and "sit." Now if I could just get the dog to do that!
• Lala is starting to feed herself. In fact, she gets quite upset at times if anyone tries to feed her. She's got an independant streak a mile wide!
• Lala is learning how to hug. She's also starting to say "mama" and recognize it means me! (Ok that may be a little farfetched given that she's only 8 months old)
• I finally found someone to take up the concrete pad in my back yard. Yesterday he broke up all the concrete. I'm hoping he shows up today to start getting rid of it.
• The concrete is really deep! Much deeper that I thought it would be... It may take quite a lot of get it to garden shape. We may not be able to do it this year. :( However, I do have a good source for manure...
• Today's weather is finally supposed to be spring-like. After nearly a year of winter, I am more than ready!
• Lala is on her fourth anti-biotic (although she was only on number three for about 3 days, then switched). I swear there isn't a germ that doesn't like her!